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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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DecemberTime - December 18th 2012, 12:24 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Three days ago was the 15th of December. It was the beginning of the hardest weeks in this year.
Three years ago, 2009, on December 15, was the day I was taken bruskly from the safety of my mind and placed in a mental hospital.
The memory of the incident is still deeply etched in my mind, dispite the years.
For three years I have been struggling with these memories. To most, being sent to a hospital is little to no big deal. To me, my world fell apart and it felt as if someone stole my sanity, for you see, in these past 3 years I have never felt stability as I had 3 years prior.
Three years prior, I was just depressed. I would cut myself to ease the pain. Thinking back, some of my reasoning and mental status could've been evidence to the status my mind is at now.
Being taken to the hospital was like a nightmare where you get kidnapped. My worst fear came true, and they swept me off to a place I did not know existed, never to know if I was ever to be released or see anyone familiar anymore. I didn't know what they were to do to me and I feared for my safety, for my life.
After the week stay, I was released. For the remaining of the year and the next, I was numb. Numb to everything, anything. I couldn't feel. So I cut more.
The years progressed. I started hearing voices in 2010, very lighty but still a buzzing presence.
Spring 2010 was when they appeared. I began to hallucinate. The majority were people. And then delusions started to kick in.
They made me believe I was worthless. They made me believe I was a goddess. They made me believe they're the cure. They made me believe that there is no cure. They made me believe I was to be their forever imprisoned slave. They made me believe I was their high mighty holy queen.
And all throughout when I stopped being numb, I grew paranoid.
What if they find out about the voices, the hallucinations? What if they find out I believe that I am the queen of the world? What if they find out I'm being paranoid like this? What if they see my cuts? What if they see my scars? What if they just deem me insane and lock me up forever?
These thoughts continued to plague me until March 2012 when I ran away from home.
The voices told me to run away from home. They said that if I could not commit to cutting or killing myself, I might as well run.
I went back to the same hospital.
They gave me more help than they did back 3 years ago.
They also gave me a follow-up. And gave me medication.
That stopped the voices, the hallucinations, the paranoia, everything.
So why am I suicidal today?
I've been low this entire month. And I started calling it DecemberTime. And I call it a "commemoration for the lost sanity". And I'm taking my medication. Everyday, on time.
The first of December, I hallucinated an old hallucination. And voices erupted from all directs telling me to kill myself. All on the stroke of midnight.
And this entire month I've been hallucinating and growing more paranoid and the voices won't stop.
And then, on the 15th, on DecemberDay, I felt nothing. I was numb once more.
And the days after were pure hell.
I hallucinated, I paniced, I started a rampage with word and convulsions of the body, just as I'd done in 2011.
While medicated.
No other month has this happened while medicated.
And now my mind is filled with doubts and worries and paranoia about numorus things and I just want it to stop and the thing that is suppose to stop it is not working.
I want to die.
I don't want to die.

TL;DR: I'm crazy because of a stupid incident that happened years ago, it's 5 AM and I haven't slept in days, and I feel like taking my own life.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
JustACityBoy Offline
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Re: DecemberTime - December 19th 2012, 09:17 AM

No one can ever be worthless if they can produce some happiness in this world. Even if it's yourself.

I'd love to say ignore the hallucinations, but they really do impact the brain.

I don't know why the hallucinations keep reoccuring, but I'm just gonna make a wild toss here.
The reason for the hallucinations has to be reason X (Reason why you are admitted into the hospital).
If you'd like to tell me Reason X, I'll do my research. Feel free to PM me if it's confidential.

The only way to cure hallucinations is VIA therapy and unfortunately, drugs. Check a therapist before going to the asylum again. (Unless you had a therapist who recommended that you go to an asylum), if so, check a new one and see what he says.


What lies ahead is unknown. However, in some times, I've sighted several smooth pavements. I myself am the mender of roads, and it is with these we work on.

Last edited by JustACityBoy; December 19th 2012 at 09:27 AM.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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Re: DecemberTime - December 20th 2012, 08:38 AM

The first time I went to the hospital was because I was cutting and because I sent a letter that so called containted "homicidal thoughts" to a girl I hated.
The second time I went, I felt I needed help because the voices and hallucinations were getting out of hand. I admitted myself, I asked to go. I guess a part of me thought going back would get rid of the fears I have.
I had a therapist a few months ago. I stopped seeing her 'cause she says I'm stable enough with the medication that I don't need to see her anymore.
I don't wanna go back to the hospital. It makes me feel as if I can't control myself and that I failed somehow.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Stuck.in.time Offline
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Re: DecemberTime - December 22nd 2012, 07:15 AM

Hi

I know this is a few days after you posted the thread, but I hope I can help.

So you want the hallucinations to stop. If the medication that you've been prescribed by that hospital doesn't seem to work, I would suggest going to another, to get their opinion on a treatment plan for you. If you're scared of them finding out about all this stuff, don't be because honestly it is their job to care about you and promote your well-being.

Medical drugs can sometimes have psychoactive effects which may be the reason for it coming back- although I honestly don't know. I've also read that sleep deprivation can cause or worsen these hallucinations. Try sleeping for at least 8 hours.

And perhaps try other methods too, ones that aren't drug based. Block out those voices and maybe listen to yourself for once. You have a voice and strength. These voices don't actually exist. Alter your mind-set to not give in Jane.

Despite all the tough things you've been through, I honestly think you're brave and tough because of it. Keep on living to win the fight. You want to stop them, then don't give in to what they want. Jane have faith in yourself and the person you were before. I do.

Hang in there and take care Jane!


I know it's time to move on and let go... but I can't. I'm just... Stuck.in.time

   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
JustACityBoy Offline
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Re: DecemberTime - December 24th 2012, 05:43 AM

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURgh.....
sorry for the very late response.
..
They say that there are several reasons for hallucinations: Neurotransmitters are messed up likely due to a medical disorder such as Alzheimers, or you can have another problem such as schizophrenia. I did read though that first thing you should begin to do is to have some good rest, have a nice diet, and ultimately being happy.

Fortunately, drugs will always be a cure. They might change your prescription plans if you tell them exactly what's going on now. (To your therapist, you probably shouldn't ask the medical guys).

And therapy............

As for as I know, those are the only ways to cure schizophrenia. I think that's what you have, but that's just my ten cents. I'm not a wizard of psychology.. or neurology.

Be sure to ultimately be happy, ask a therapist instead of those medical docs because it'll make recovery alot easier.

only a speculation that it's schizophrenia. If you could give me more information on when the hallucinations occur... like before bed or after alot of things happen, I think I'd know.
Alot of degenerative neurotransmitting diseases are ruled out cause I believe your a teenager.


What lies ahead is unknown. However, in some times, I've sighted several smooth pavements. I myself am the mender of roads, and it is with these we work on.

Last edited by JustACityBoy; December 24th 2012 at 05:52 AM.
   
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The Darkness Offline
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Re: DecemberTime - December 24th 2012, 06:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stuck.in.time View Post
Hi

I know this is a few days after you posted the thread, but I hope I can help.

So you want the hallucinations to stop. If the medication that you've been prescribed by that hospital doesn't seem to work, I would suggest going to another, to get their opinion on a treatment plan for you. If you're scared of them finding out about all this stuff, don't be because honestly it is their job to care about you and promote your well-being.

Medical drugs can sometimes have psychoactive effects which may be the reason for it coming back- although I honestly don't know. I've also read that sleep deprivation can cause or worsen these hallucinations. Try sleeping for at least 8 hours.

And perhaps try other methods too, ones that aren't drug based. Block out those voices and maybe listen to yourself for once. You have a voice and strength. These voices don't actually exist. Alter your mind-set to not give in Jane.

Despite all the tough things you've been through, I honestly think you're brave and tough because of it. Keep on living to win the fight. You want to stop them, then don't give in to what they want. Jane have faith in yourself and the person you were before. I do.

Hang in there and take care Jane!
The thing is, I'm already on medication and it's been working perfectly fine, far better than any other I've tried. It's just this single month that's different.
The meds make me drowsy but when I go to sleep, it's like I want to sleep and I feel sleepy but my body's just like nope!
This medication is the medication my doctor has given me after countless other attempts.
I'm afraid I won't be able to see my doctor anytime soon because there's complications with the Medical insurance and I won't be able to see another doctor or get an new prescription any time soon, so.
I'm fighting the battle with all that I have, using all the weapons imaginable to fight off these demons, this curse. As much as I try, I know they will be far more powerful but that doesn not stop me from being the one who defeats them once and for all.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
Stuck.in.time Offline
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Re: DecemberTime - December 29th 2012, 09:31 AM

Hi Jane!
Sorry for a late reply. I have been away for a bit.

Has this happened during any other December? Might I suggest counselling to find out the root of the problem, and thereby once knowing, could possibly lead to the prevention of such an event from reoccurring.

Have you slept at all during these past days Jane? When you say that your body doesn't let you sleep, are you talking about your mind?- as in, is it wide-awake, alert and active? Have you tried any relaxation techniques?

I see. Well Iíd still recommend seeing your doctor and another to get a professional opinion. I hope your Medical insurance complications clear up soon.

Iím glad that you have that mind-set Jane. Iím sorry that I couldnít be of more help to you.

Take care.


I know it's time to move on and let go... but I can't. I'm just... Stuck.in.time

   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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Re: DecemberTime - December 29th 2012, 10:31 AM

I'm not sure of past Decembers because this is the first December I've been on meds and before the meds I was like this all the time. I once told my therapist last year about DecemberTime and why I think I react this way this time but she didn't think it a big deal. Every other therapist has reacted similar when I bring it up so I really don't have any faith in any others thinking otherwise.
It's currently 3:23 AM here and I still haven't been able to sleep. I passed out while reading yesterday at around 6 AM. It's like, my brain says yes to sleep, I say yes to sleep, my body agrees slightly with sleep but my eyes say no and stay open and my mind, my thoughts, just race around, making a storm with the voices and the scary sights in the dark.
I won't be able to see any doctor until the insurance clears up, I've already tried. I can't even see my school therapist. I'm kinda at a loss here.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
Stuck.in.time Offline
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Re: DecemberTime - January 3rd 2013, 09:11 AM

Hmm okay. Well I'm trying to see if it's a big deal- I mean as in will this continue to happen in future Decembers or was it just a 'one-off'. And I guess I can't really know that until next December. I'm sorry Jane that I'm not really helpful. How has it been these past few days, considering that it's now January? Are they still persisting? In regards to your inability to sleep, I don't know if this advice is still useful considering that it only occurred in December. However if you ever find yourself unable to sleep, how about some mental exercises. Check here for the information. http://www.squidoo.com/sleep_mental_...module13633468

Well in my opinion, I think you should push it, keep telling them about it because it's something that concerns you and is severely affecting your physical and mental health.

Sorry. I'm not sure what advice to say regarding your doctor and school therapist. Although I personally think it's better to talk face to face, could you email or phone your school therapist?

Also I'm sorry for such a late reply.


I know it's time to move on and let go... but I can't. I'm just... Stuck.in.time

   
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