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My Life's Terrible. . . I'm terrible - January 3rd 2013, 03:13 AM

My life is terrible. . . .

I don't like eating food. I eat a few types of food, pasta with butter and cheese, steak and fish, white rice, ice cream, cereal, poptarts, and some chips. I don't eat pizza. . . I don't eat lunch meats. . . I don't eat cafateria food. . . I don't eat pork. . I don't eat fruit. . . I don't eat vegetables. . . I literally only eat like 7 different types of food. My parents hate me because of this, they always tell me to try to eat something new, but I cannot bear the smell of it, nevermind what it might taste like (the smell of it scares me away from even thinking about putting it near my mouth). I don't eat anything for lunch. I buy (it's free) school lunch which i can't stomach, I just like the milk they give me, and suffer through my hunger until I get home at 5pm or later. There's nothing I could bring to school that I would eat. . . (I don't eat sandwiches or anything like that). The doctor says I'm just a picky eater and will eventually grow out of it. . . but now as a seventeen year old, I still eat nothing and it's depressing. I'm getting bored of the same types of food over and over again, and my parents hate that I don't eat anything. When I go to my friend's houses (I'll get to that later) I don't eat anything when all my friends go and eat pizza and stuff. Also, my parents stopped buying my favorite kind of ice cream, because I can no longer afford it and now I'm even sadder.

I can't concentrate. I pretend to read though I haven't read a book since before my freshman year of high school. I recently started reading a book, got 30 pages through, and cannot stand reading. My head hurts, I can't concentrate on the lines and I get lost, and I find it beyond boring. When I'm in school I practically fall asleep during class from boredum, and when I'm not doing that, I shake my legs . . . a lot. . . like a lot a lot. I just can't stop shaking them. Now as I type this while laying in my bed thinking about my depressing leg I am shaking my right leg. . . while laying down. )-;

I don't have friends. Well. . . I have them. . but I don't see them outside school. I have 2 friends who are boys and 1 that is a girl, and of course ~10 or so people that I know and would feel comfortable to sit at during lunch. Out of my 3 friends that I have, I have never been over any of their houses except at the ~2-3 times a year when they invite their other friends over and me to have a party, which is depressing because I don't eat anything and feel awkward at the party. Recently one of my friends had one of these parties and I didn't go out of fear. But yup that's it, my friend's don't know what I do out of school, and I don't see them out of school. None of my friends have even offered to spend time or text me or talk to me by anymeans out of school. Also i only call them my friends because that's what they call me. They think I'm their friend but truthfully I don't like them. . . or really anyone. . .they annoy me, I just pretend that they don't to spare myself from the awkwardness of sitting alone at lunch.

I have no hobbies. I play two sports, both of which require extreme physical amounts of exercise and practice (cross country is one. . . ). I'm forced to play them by my parents who threaten to not send me to my private high school (which I also hate). I don't like them, and it's always cold outside when I play them and I have an extremely low tolerance to the cold, so I'm suffering as I attempt to play these. . . sports.... I do nothing for fun, after school I sit down on my laptop staring at the screen until it's time to sleep. Usually I can't concentrate enough to do my homework, obviously my grades suffer because of this. The most exciting part of my week is when my parents allow (I say allow as it's the only time I can), me to play xbox on saturday, and sunday (if I'm lucky) for almost 2 hours a day, and even that, i find boring, just not as boring as sitting down. I find it boring because I'm a perfectionist and like to be the best at everything I do (i'm not the best at anything), and I'm sub-par to perfect at the game I play, which makes me sad. When I realize that the only real thing that makes me even moderately happy is playing xbox twice a week, I realize how pathetic I am and become sadder.

I have a job, though it only takes me 1 hour a day. I don't feel like posting specific details here. . . but basically I have to go outside int he freezing new england tempuratures (again, my low temperature tolerance is 0), and carry things. . . and suffer. . . I hate it and it's terrible money, but my parents force me to hold the job anyways. It also requires me to wake up early on saturdays. . . fml one of the only two days I have the chance to possibly not wake up at 6.30am.

I can never sleep. I haven't slept for more than 6 hours consecutively in over 2 years. If I physically exhaust myself, don't sleep for days, and try to sleep for a long time, I might be able to break 6 hours, but it's tough. I'm always tired and want to sleep more (as I should get 8-9 hours of sleep), but I never can. I probably won't go to bet until 1-2am tonight, even though I have to wake up at 6.30am tomorrow.

My life is terrible and I hate it. I don't go out and I don't do anything. I'm tall skinny and awkward. I hate my clothes and I hate the way I look. I do like my hair however, and I love when it's long but recently the principle at my school told my I have to cut it or I'm getting a detention. . .I've never got a detention and don't want one, so there goes my hair, one of the only few things I have which I like. I also have a cat which I like, but the cat is antisocial just like me, which makes me said as I love it. . .

When I look at how bad my life is, I realize how much of a failure I am. My life keeps getting worse, and I haven't even listed half the problems here. I know. . it get's better. . well no it doesn't. None of my problems above are solved nor will they ever be. I have no friends to talk to, I'd rather cut myself than talk to my parents (talking to my parents that's a big nonono, I despise them even though I shouldn't as they're better parents to me than other kid's parents are to them), and such. . .

I'm sad all the time and my life is drastically getting worse, when I think about how bad it is I start shaking and almost cry, but I don't cry because I don't have any emotions except for sadness anger and hated. . .

Help.
   
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Re: My Life's Terrible. . . I'm terrible - January 3rd 2013, 03:33 AM

I know what you're going through in a way.
When it comes to sports [mainly soccer], my parents go insane. I have to try out for my high school varsity team, and when I told them I didn't want to, I got grounded. My hips are already screwed up from running on uneven feilds, and sometimes, it gets to the point where I can't get out of bed because my stupid hips lock up. My mom thinks I'm good enough to get a college scholarship, but my dad doesn't, so I'm going out of my way to please him. I stretch, though it hurts, and I run, though it's pracitically killing me inside.
I have friends, but none of them seem to get me. Only three know that I use to cut myself, and they aren't even my closest friends, I only met them this year. But they use to cut as well, so I knew they wouldn't judge me.
I also have acne scars on my face. I feel that without them, I could have a chance at being pretty, but now, I can't. No guy wants a girl with acne marks and I'm jealous of those with clear skin.
I use to have a problem with people not liking me, I used to want to be liked by everyone. But now I don't care. I honestly believe that if someone hates me, that's fine. Because I hate me too.
   
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Re: My Life's Terrible. . . I'm terrible - January 3rd 2013, 03:57 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenConstellation View Post
I know what you're going through in a way.
When it comes to sports [mainly soccer], my parents go insane. I have to try out for my high school varsity team, and when I told them I didn't want to, I got grounded. My hips are already screwed up from running on uneven feilds, and sometimes, it gets to the point where I can't get out of bed because my stupid hips lock up. My mom thinks I'm good enough to get a college scholarship, but my dad doesn't, so I'm going out of my way to please him. I stretch, though it hurts, and I run, though it's pracitically killing me inside.
I have friends, but none of them seem to get me. Only three know that I use to cut myself, and they aren't even my closest friends, I only met them this year. But they use to cut as well, so I knew they wouldn't judge me.
I also have acne scars on my face. I feel that without them, I could have a chance at being pretty, but now, I can't. No guy wants a girl with acne marks and I'm jealous of those with clear skin.
I use to have a problem with people not liking me, I used to want to be liked by everyone. But now I don't care. I honestly believe that if someone hates me, that's fine. Because I hate me too.
The sport's aren't even the worse part. . . and I can't cut as I'm required to suffer through the school day wearing a short sleeve uniform. . .I know, first world problems and all.

But my life sucks..at least you have friends, I just pretend to do so I won't be awkward and alone.

And I know. . . I've never dated someone in my life. . . and probably never will. . . I'm an antisocial mess that's not worth living. I took a girl to prom last year when she asked me, which I was happy about as it meant I wouldn't have to go to prom alone (my parents forced my to go to prom as well, I don't find "dancing" in a room with people I try not to despise that much remotely fun. It gets worse because I'm gay (closet, noone knows of course). . . which i hate even more as I don't want to be gay. . . but I am.

So there's no one even at my school for me to talk to, and I can't deal with people hating me. I need to make everyone happy but I can't.. . But I don't think everyone at my school hates me. . .I don't know, I can't tell anyone's emotions, I just know I hate them even though I don't want to. )-;

Edit: I suppose it's time to start maybe thinking about attempting to sleep. I probably won't make it through school tomorrow without having a mental breakdown...someone please help :3 I don't know what to do..and posting 'get help' doesn't really help when you have no one to talk to. . . no one you trust...no one that cares.

Last edited by John.; January 3rd 2013 at 04:11 AM.
   
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Re: My Life's Terrible. . . I'm terrible - January 3rd 2013, 04:21 AM

I cut my hips, not my wrists.
I know this might not be the best of advice, but keep your chin up. There are people out there who know almost exactly what you're going through, you aren't alone, though it might seem like it.
   
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