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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Wondering about suicide - January 15th 2013, 10:29 PM

Hey, I'll just start by saying that the reason I signed up here was for this particular reason. I'm not one to vent, or really talk about my problems, and the few times I do, I feel worse. The reason is because the people I tend to talk to have all been through much worse things, yet none of them appear to be like me.
I'm 14, 15 in a few days, and for the past year and a half I've been contemplating suicide. I feel stupid and selfish for venting about it.
I really don't have any actual reason. I suppose I have a loving family, they support me in most things, I'm little left out in school, but I'm fairly anti-social so it's not a big deal, and the only real issue in my life is that my brother has special needs. As you can imagine, it can get stressful with that, but that alone isn't a reason.

I have quite a few confidence problems.
I'm really quiet and absent in most social situations, I try to avoid contact with people I don't know, and I really try not to be apart of a large group of people. Along with this I hate myself for wanting to kill myself, and for the fact I'm so cynical, everytime someone tells me something to lift my spirits I always find someway to warp it and bring them back down.

I've mainly been thinking about suicide because I just purely do not want to live.
I don't want to grow up to live the kind of life everyone expects me to live, and even if I try go against it, it is impossible. The world is just set up in a such a way I have to choose that life. For me, I just see a straight road with a bumps leading towards death. I'd much rather speed it up and skip past those bumps in the road.

I've tried to convince myself many times it's just some teen angst thing, or things will get better, but it's just been so persistent in my own mind that I find it hard to do so.
I really have no trouble with committing suicide, the only thing holding me back is that there are people I love too much to inflict that kind of pain on them, however it's been getting harder and harder.

Even now, I feel selfish for posting this.
People reading this have probably felt more reasons to want to kill themselves than I ever will.

If you've read this, I thank you for taking the time to do so.

Last edited by Jaydedlifestyle12; January 15th 2013 at 10:34 PM.
   
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Re: Wondering about suicide - January 16th 2013, 12:51 AM

Hey Shaun!
Congratulations on posting, it's very difficult to talk about suicidal feelings, even for people who have been there for a long time or have had them repeatedly, so just letting it out is a huge step.

I don't know if you have trouble trusting people or not, but if you don't find it too hard, it may be worth finding a professional to talk through your feelings with. Sometimes a school counselor can be really beneficial, sometimes talking to somebody qualified as a therapist/psychologist is more helpful - it really depends on what you need from it, and a school counselor makes a great starting point if you feel unable to talk to your family.

Suicidal thoughts in and of themselves, most people experience. But persistent thoughts of suicide and of life being not worth living ("A long road with a few bumps until death") is somewhat different, and often points towards depression. There are many websites out there that will list the usual symptoms of depression, but here are some that apply specifically to teenagers:

- Sadness or hopelessness
- Irritability, anger, or hostility
- Tearfulness or frequent crying
- Withdrawal from friends and/or family
- Loss of interest in activities (specific: activities that you used to enjoy).
- Changes in eating or sleeping habits (Much more or much less)
- Restlessness and agitation
- Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
- Lack of enthusiasm and motivation
- Fatigue or lack of energy
- Difficulty concentrating
- Significant weight loss/gain or regular upset stomachs and headaches
- Thoughts of death and suicide.

Now, I know that's quite a list, and you've only mentioned thinking about suicide, but that's just some food for thought, because if you think you may be depressed, then seeing a doctor is something you'll need to do. Depression is entirely treatable.

But back to what you've actually said.

Many teens struggle with what's expected of them, it's part of finding yourself and finding who you want to be. The good thing is, even though it may seem like you're on a fixed path, you're not. You can make choices that lead you to where you want to be, using either your subject choices in school, choosing part-time or volunteer work that interests you, or taking up outside hobbies. If your parents are open to it, chat with them about where you see yourself. Sometimes parents forget that young people have visions of their own which don't match what they imagine their child being. I'm sure my mother was hoping for a scientist, a doctor, a lawyer and nurse, but what she got is a mechanic, a beneficiary, a storeman and a bartender/waitress. She's learned to accept it. Her only rule was that we get to university entrance at high school so we could go into further study if we wanted. Maybe ask your parents what their thoughts are.

Talk about why and how you feel that your path is so fixed, and that you'd like it not to be. There's a big world out there that's anybody's for the taking, in all honesty.

Please don't feel selfish for asking for help. It is one of the bravest, most difficult things a person can do, and everybody would far rather that you ask for help than any other option.
This site is called TeenHELP, after all, people come here to help and to be helped - working together can make things better.

Be proud of who you are, whoever that may be, and in that pride, remember, it's ok to ask for help, no matter how old you are, or how "good" you think your life may be perceived by others.

Anywho, I hope I've given you something to think about, and again, well done for posting.
   
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Re: Wondering about suicide - January 16th 2013, 02:45 PM

Thank you very much for your reply, Jess.

I honestly don't feel like I could talk with a counsellor, I can hardly even talk to any of my friends about it, so it'd be a lot harder for me to talk to a stranger about it.

That list of symptoms you've shared; I have a nine of them, some more persistent than others, although the last thing I really want is to visit a doctor.
Unfortunately even just visiting the doctor here is quite an expensive thing.
My parents have already paid planty of money towards my healthcare and well-being in the past year, the last thing I want is for them to spend anymore on something I may or may not have.

When it comes to the education and job thing, I'm really fearful that I wont do as good in most of my exams. I have a difficult time working under pressure, and because of this my grades usually suffer, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Again, thank you very much for your reply.
   
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Re: Wondering about suicide - January 16th 2013, 08:04 PM

Many people stress out under exam pressure, it's not uncommon, and your school should have resources to help you cope with that pressure, or options to gain grades in other ways - I know that here, some of our mark comes from course work (assignments and stuff sat throughout the year) and "internals", which are exams sat in class time after a module is complete, and then at the end of the school year we have our final exams.

I found the way uni is set up a lot better, because you have assignments, lab reports, essays, and then a mid-term and a final. Many people who learn how to study properly at high-school go on to do really well in higher level education. I think it's more important to know how to learn, than to get A+'s in exams. Both together is obviously optimal, but the better you can learn, yeah. If the fear of doing badly is getting in the way of you achieving to your potential, then again, it's something you need to talk to someone about - we here on the internet can only help so much, you know?

As far as seeing a doctor goes - I know you've said your parents have already put a fair bit towards your healthcare this year, but don't you think they'd rather have an alive child who's receiving appropriate treatment, than a dead child whom they have out-lived? No parent wants to live longer than their children. Parents have children for a number of reasons, but generally they have them hoping they will stay alive.

Talking to people in real life about sensitive subjects is going to be hard, even talking to your doctor will probably be difficult. It's often helpful to write things down on a piece of paper and then refer to that.

My main point is, you do need to ask somebody - an actual person who you can sit in the same room as - for some assistance here. Sometimes this sort of stuff goes away on its own, but mostly it doesn't.

Maybe overlook expense for now, or search for a cheaper doctor in the interim. I don't really know how it works in your country, here we have subsidies for people who earn less money, so people at the bottom of the earnings ladder pay $10 or $11 for a doctor's visit, and people earning lots can go to different GPs where they may be upwards of $40 merely for a consultation. Your health and well-being are more important than the cost here. And, when you're well, if you still feel bad about using your parent's money, you could get a job to help out or do more around the house. There's always options available.
   
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Re: Wondering about suicide - January 17th 2013, 10:00 PM

Most of what you've said is true, I suppose.

I'd really need to work up to being able to talk to someone about it though. I feel they wouldn't take me seriously, any of my friends that is.
I try my best to hide any of the feelings I have, and try to continue acting as how my friends have always known me. So, for me to just tell them about these feelings would be very offputting for me.
I really wouldn't feel comfortable talking to a counsellor either, right now I'd like to focus on my exams which are coming up in 2 weeks, and throwing in a counsellor may make things a bit awkward in regards to classes and study. As well as that, I just really can't see myself being able to talk to a counsellor.

Also, over here, you've gotta pay 60 euros for a visit to the GP, unless you're mother with a child under the age of 6, or you are over the ago of 65.

I'm sorry that I'm probably sending you around in circles here.

Thanks so much again though for replying.
   
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Re: Wondering about suicide - January 18th 2013, 11:47 AM

Hey there,

I apologise if I repeat anything Jess said, I didn't read the whole thing in fear my internet connect might drop and leave me writing out a message I lose.

Okay, suicide isn't worth it, as bad as it gets, it just isn't. This is coming from a girl whom has attempted twice in the past 4 months.
I would also suggest seeing a therapist, even if you don't believe your life is bad enough for these thoughts to appear, everybody deals with things differently, some may feel like attempting when standing five metres from the cliff, others when they're halfway down, others on the edge. It just depends on who you are and if you have solid activities in place to help when thoughts get bad.

I would recommend you finding things that help get these thoughts off your mind, or at least push them back for a temporary time while you search for a more permanent thing to do.
For me, I read, draw, or write.
If you have some hobbies or something you do to calm down, try that and let yourself clear your head as you do it, take deep breaths as well.


Jay.


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My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: Wondering about suicide - January 18th 2013, 02:32 PM

I don't really have many hobbies, apart from gaming.
Although, I wont have much time for it over the next few months with some serious exams coming up.
Although, despite not being here long, Teenhelp has atleast given me some place to direct my attention when I have nothing to do, and it can help get my mind off things.

Thanks for the reply, Jay.
   
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Re: Wondering about suicide - January 18th 2013, 10:10 PM

Yes, we need something that pops up when you first join:
"WARNING: This site is incredibly addictive"

Gaming is awesome, and maybe studying will help you get your mind off it. Just focus and don't let any of those thoughts get over the top.
After exams you could possibly find a sport you likes and start training, martial arts, or something small you can do. I can tell you have an extensive knowledge on the English language, you could always see how writing fairs?
Writing can become a place of refuge and most of my books contain a piece of me and usually when I see it I think on it and it doesn't bother me anymore.
Also, it would be good for getting out feelings and thoughts such as suicidal thoughts.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk,

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: Wondering about suicide - January 18th 2013, 11:18 PM

Thanks for your hopefulness, and kind words, Jay.

Who knows, maybe I'll find something.
My exams extend over the next 4 months, so hopefully when they finish I'll have some kind of relief, which may help the whole situation. I'll definitely a lot of your advice onboard.
Thanks a lot.
   
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Re: Wondering about suicide - January 18th 2013, 11:44 PM

Good luck mate, exams are a bit of a nuisance but I'm sure you'll do great. And I know how you feel, I got major exams this year. High School Certificate :s This is the year which really counts :/

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: Wondering about suicide - January 18th 2013, 11:51 PM

Luckily I haven't got those for another two years^^

I wish you the best of luck in them, Jay.

I'd like to return the offer, so feel free to message me or whatever if you need to^^

Thanks for everything.
   
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