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PurpleMoon Offline
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Name: Billie
Gender: Female
Location: England

Posts: 294
Join Date: June 29th 2010

What is my life? - February 23rd 2013, 12:35 AM

I Don稚 even feel like I know what I知 doing anymore

Never in my life have I ever felt smart, or anything like that for the past 5 years I have self harmed a lot on and off sometimes worse then others and I would never really consider my self severely depressed and I have always had my ups and downs and I thought it was normal to have mood swings but mine have always been stupid I mean if I知 excited it値l be stupidly excited, but when I get depressed I wont want to do anything or even speaking to people becomes difficult and when I知 angry it will end up being everything that gets me angry.

Its hard to explain My mum could have come in my room to get something when I知 not there when I知 in a good mood then it fine I couldn稚 careless but if I was in a bad mood it would have seriously pissed me off. When I get angry I can get spiteful and nasty.

I just feel so out of it at the moment, I don稚 feel like I even know what I want in life or even if I want to live it. I have lived with suicidal thought from that day my older sister started to steal from me. (She doesn稚 do it anymore but its not like it didn稚 hurt)

I quit college last year because I struggled and I feel like I知 going through that again. When things get rough I just want to bail I have always been like that but I have recently been told I have severe depression and I still just want to see here and say that I知 fine and I don稚 need help and just crawl away like the coward I am. I don稚 know what has made me last four years but I just want to done just want to be able to end it but I cant and I don稚 know why.

One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.

Memento mori - Remember you must die

Memento Vivere - Remember to live

Carpe diem - Seize the Day

溺an cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. -Andre Gide
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Re: What is my life? - February 23rd 2013, 01:53 AM

Hi, Billie.

Sorry you're struggling right now. I can relate to the angry feelings and how it's up and down sometimes. I'm the exact same way. It depends on my mood is something so little bothers me or not. I'm sorry you're going through this. But please, I want you to realize you are special and worth it. Your life means so much more than you believe. I know right now you really don't know what to do, what you wanna do in the future. But I believe sometime in your life that something will come up for you or you'll find what you wanna do. We all have a purpose, sometimes it takes a little longer than expected to find it. Suicide is not the answer though, it not only hurts you, but everyone around you. Even if you don't think people will miss you, they will. they will be absolutely devastated. Depression has a way of lying to you and making you think otherwise. You are loved.

Can you talk to your family or your therapist about how you're feeling? Maybe explain to your mom about how your moods and tell her how some things seriously tick you off at different times. Having someone listen can do a lot of good.

When you're feeling depressed, the same ol' routine can get a bit dark and dull which ends in feeling more depressed. Even if you don't feel like it, sometime getting out or doing something different can make you feel a little better once you get a little more "woke" up from the bad feelings. Maybe go out with friends? Go to the cinema? Go for walks? Explore new things as well, take up a new hobby and try something new. Even the littlest things. Like trying a new food, watching a movie you haven't seen. Take up beading/knitting, paint, draw, listen to some new music. Anything to distract yourself.

Hope I helped a bit. Remember that things do get better, hun. Recovery from depression is possible. You can do this, it takes time but I believe you're strong enough, hope you can find it in yourself to believe in you. Inspiration is everything. I hope you feel better. You can PM/VM me anytime!

Stay Strong <3
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