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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Name: Mary
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Post Better be in the mood to read some. - March 2nd 2013, 06:17 AM

I feel like Iím stuck down in a hole.

Like that Alice in Chains song? Hauntingly beautiful, but so sadÖthe first time I heard it I must have only been about 10 years old. Another one is Metallica's No Leaf Clover, ("Then it came to be that the soothing light at the end of the tunnel was just a freight train coming your way.") And the really depressing part is that it was around that time these songs officially became the story of my life.

See, I deal with depression, and Iím sure this is perfectly normal, but most of the time when I can feel that all-consuming darkness that is depression creeping in, ready to swallow me whole, I need someone around to help me through it. But throughout my whole life, people have walked in and made a connection and then walked straight back out again. Iíve tried to keep contact with these people, but theyíre never interested. I get discarded like a piece of trash each and every time I thought Iíve made a new friend. So now as you can pretty well imagineÖIíve developed this attitude where itís kind of like, ďOkay, we can be friends but the minute you tell me youíre leaving, Iím going to start distancing myself from you so Iím not hurt when you leave. Donít say weíll keep in contact because it never happens.Ē I know thatís the wrong attitude; not everyone is going to leave and Iíll never hear from them again, but thatís been the case for as long as I can remember. So I get kind of pissy now when people tell me theyíre going away, itís kind of like, ďYouíre just one more person walking out on me, donít let the door hit your ass on the way out.Ē The fact that Iíve never actually said that to anyone is probably a good sign. But God knows Iíve thought it.

I get that way with my boyfriend. Not like I never want to hear from him again, because heís actually an exception to what I listed before. Weíve hit many rough patches over the years, didnít see or hear from one another for awhile, but then reconnected somewhere along the way. And weíve always been there for each other, helping each other out, listening to each otherís feelings. I have to say, heís not like anyone Iíve ever metóhe is very genuine, and heís told me before that whether Iím depressed, happy, madÖhe loves every aspect of me, and I can tell he actually means this. It would take forever to list all of the things heís done for me. We connect on a spiritual/emotional level more than anything else. He is my best friend, my protector, and everything we do is selflessly for the other person. He knows exactly where Iíve been in lifeÖwhich hasnít been easy to either of us, but we make the best of it by helping each other out. Long story short, we both just try to brighten the other personís life.

Iím not exactly sure what I want to get at with this post, Iím just kind of clearing my head right now. If youíre still with me reading this, know Iím trying to get down to the punch line here. J

Anyway, given everything the two of us have been through, both together and separately, but weíve always offered each other help and adviceÖI canít imagine either of us ever leaving the other person or drifting apart. But I do know thisóthose times when I feel like Iím stuck down in a hole and Iím just sad, I want to push everyone away and just trap myself in my room and grieve alone. Thatís what Iím used toógrieving alone. It has a bittersweet feeling that Iím addicted toÖI canít explain it any other way. Itís nice to be comforted and know Iím loved, but then other times I just want to be by myself. Iím sure thatís normalÖ

And when I say heís not like anyone else Iíve ever met, I mean that when I get this way, he waits patiently for me to come around. Iím not afraid heís going to grow tired of it and leave me, because weíve discussed this before and heís made it perfectly clear that heís here to stay. And Iím sure heíll find this and weigh in on it, as he has a teenhelp account as well. J

I have to wonder sometimes if it hurts him to be pushed away. Heís not here right now, we donít live in the same state, but I know heís trying his hardest to come back again soon, which is what I really want. I know heís hurt to see me hurt, and I donít ever want him to feel helpless, like he canít help me, I want him to understand that this method of grieving dates to way back before I met him and spent each passing year of my life alone. And for the sake of getting a response to this really long post, maybe someone could tell me if itís normal to just want to be on your own sometimes. Either way, I want him to know that when he respects the times when I just need to be left aloneÖit makes me happy. It really does. But I donít know if he knows this. Again, sorry for the rambling but I wasnít really sure where I was heading with this when I started writing, and Iím still not sure. Haha.

Just consider this to be more of a public diary entry. J Any thoughts?




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Re: Better be in the mood to read some. - March 2nd 2013, 06:54 AM

Hey, Mary.

I'm sorry about all the people walking out of your life. I can relate to the feelings of feeling left behind. I can see how that could make you wanna be alone sometimes. I get that way sometimes as well. Where I just want to say the heck with it and be by myself.

Your boyfriend sounds like a really good, caring and understanding guy. As you are too. Both of you are lucky to have each other and I'm happy to hear you have him in your life given all you've both been through. Both of you deserve each other. Hope you get to see him again soon.

As for your question, I do think it's normal. As I said, I feel the same quite often. My best friend is kinda like you too. He needs alone time, he spends a lot of his time alone because he doesn't see any sense in making other friends because he gets left behind. Honestly, being the person on the other side of this, it hurts me that he feels he needs to cut himself off from making friendships because he's a really amazing guy if you get to know him.
   
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Re: Better be in the mood to read some. - March 5th 2013, 11:43 PM

Christabel: Thank you so very much for taking the time to read my rather long and confusing rant, and offer such kind words of encouragement in return. Yours is exactly the kind of response I was hoping for; I needed to be able to see what it was like for someone on the opposing side, I needed to know what it felt like to be cut off for awhile while the other person grieves. I'm sorry it hurts you to see your friend behave in the way he does, but you are a wonderful person for being there for him all the same. As someone who acts in a similar way, both your friend and I are lucky to have people in our life who care so deeply for us. And I am deeply sorry that he gets so afraid of being left alone sometimes, that he cuts people out of his life; I do the same and wind up being the one who is hurt in the end, so I sympathize. Thank you for the nice words as well, they mean a lot to hear. My boyfriend is the greatest, and I like that you said I seem like a very caring and understanding person as well. I have to agree--that we deserve each other--and I know I can't wait to see him when he comes back! <3
I am sorry you can relate to the feelings of being left behind; I can tell that you are a very big-hearted person and it hurts me to think that someone would let go of someone as caring as you; I haven't known you but for a few days, and this is really how I feel. You are an inspiration, I am glad to have met you, and was equally as glad to see your comment to my post!




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Re: Better be in the mood to read some. - March 6th 2013, 06:23 AM

You're very welcome, Mary. I really didn't mind reading it. Your reply to my reply (lol) is really sweet. Thanks so much. I'm glad I was able to give a helpful answer and I just wanna thank you a lot. My friend is my whole life basically so yeah, I do get annoyed and frustrated which leads to sadness but in the end, it's so worth it and letting him know that I won't leave him behind, is the best feeling I can have. Because he needs to learn I won't let him go. Sure, he can have alone time but it doesn't rid him from my thoughts, I still always care. Nothing can block that. I just hope that you and my best friend can heal and let people in. Neither of you deserve to be alone. Sometimes we need a close friend to save us from ourselves.

Thanks for the response, glad I could help and I wanna thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate that. You seem like a big-hearted person as well. Keep your heart open, hun.

   
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Re: Better be in the mood to read some. - March 12th 2013, 11:11 PM

Thank you. <3 <3




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Re: Better be in the mood to read some. - March 14th 2013, 01:45 AM

You're welcome. <3
   
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