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CherryKitty March 16th 2013 03:49 AM

Can't Take It!
My depression has hit an all time low, and a lot has to do with my mom.

She does a lot for me, and I realize and appreciate that, but I wholeheartedly believe she is emotionally abusive. I think about my depression and all my stress, and it comes back to her. The way she talks to me and treats me, the way she hits me when she's mad at me (not a slap, but a hit on the arm) and the way she makes me feel like nothing. She screams at me, calls me names, accuses me of things I've never done.

So much is happening. Today I received my report card. I've missed a lot of school, and this is another issue entirely; my school attendance. I've missed a lot due to anxiety and migraines. 42 days, to be exact, and I'm in ninth grade. I've handed everything in, but I'm failing English and Socials (my two best subjects, sadly) because of lack of attendance, and for socials, I failed two important tests this term.

My mom was so angry. She screamed at me, proceeded to call my aunt and tell her what an idiot I am for letting this happen, and then told me I couldn't play tennis -- my first extracurricular interest in god knows when, which was actually making me look forward to a new term after spring break.

My mom is still angry, obviously. What's infuriating too is that my brother, simply didn't care about school, spent his days smoking pot, drinking with his buddies and landing himself in trouble with the police. He failed, without even trying, whereas I'm trying my damned hardest to do what I can while I'm away from school, and when I return, while trying not to climb up the highest building in the city. My brother and I are different people, but it still is frustrating that my mom never took any action against his truancy or lack of effort in school, and she's telling me that I'm useless and stupid.

I'm just so done. And tonight, for the first time, I took my razor and made a mark on my leg. It didn't hurt while doing it, I cried, I cried harder than ever. I've always picked at my legs and skin, but this was a whole new thing.

I can't cope. I can't live with her. I can't deal with school anymore, as it feels. I could without my mom - but my mom screaming at me, telling me that I can't do this and that I'm stupid, and an abundance of other things... it's so hard... and inside, I know that I'm not stupid, even though I do admit to struggling with math. But when your mother is telling you these things, what are you supposed to think?

I want to live with my dad, but he lives forty minutes away and works up north for the most part. If I told my stepmom I wanted to move in, she would gladly take me and I know this, but I would feel like a burden, and I don't know how to explain everything that's going on.

Oh, the best part? I try to explain to my mom that I'm doing my best, holding on to my life because my depression is really terrible. She got mad, and told me "not to try and excuse my actions." And continued on about how bad it is to lie about such a thing.

I'm already on Zoloft for anxiety.

Everybody tells me, "Things will work out," but nobody understands. I wish they could live in my shoes for a few days.

I'm so... done... but I'm too scared to "do it" if you know what I mean. I've tried, barely, and nothing happened. I threatened it one time, well, said I felt like it, and my mom hastily took me to the hospital and urged the doctors that I was doing this to get out of school.

I'm only fourteen, nobody, especially children who are supposed to be living their lives and planning their futures, should have to endure this. And I know that I could have it a lot worse, too.

I just can't take it and I've been looking at hostels and how to run away all night, but it's just too messy. I have nobody I can turn to in my city, my dad is up north, I don't have any friends that I trust enough to even talk about this with since I tried with my anxiety and they really didn't understand that... my school counselor is not personable, at all, and I'm in a waiting list for a psychologist for two months.

Every time I feel as if I'm about to get up, I get knocked right back down onto my ass.

At this point, I can't decide whether everything hurts, or if I'm numb. And that sounds weird, because the two are very different, but it's 50/50.

My mom always questions why I "don't talk to her" about things. It's because she screams at me, belittles me, and can't even pretend to be calm about anything. I've never done anything wrong, besides go downtown once when I didn't tell her. I don't drink, or smoke. I stay in on the weekends.

I'm sorry for such a long post but I have nobody to talk to, and for the millionth time, I'm done. I have nothing left emotionally. I'm supposed to go to my aunts on Monday, but now I'm not even sure if I want to after my mom has told her her side of all my "issues" and failures. At the end of the day, my aunt listens to me, but ultimately sides with my mom, it's her sister after all.

Thereishope March 16th 2013 04:32 AM

Re: Can't Take It!
Hey there!

First off I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. I know its hard. I went through many similar issues myself in my life, so I know more or less where you're coming from. I know that you feel that things won't ever get better but in time they actually will. It's not like you'll be living at home your entire life, eventually you'll be able to move out and live on your own. If you feel that living with your dad will help in anyway then I would definitely look into it, and as far as being a "burden" to your stepmom I highly doubt that. If you have a pretty good relationship with both already then I wouldn't worry about it, and as far as telling her what's been going on, that is your choice if/when/how you go about it. Don't feel as if you have to tell her the whole story from beginning to end right away, give it time then over time maybe explain bits and pieces. In the end hang in there! If you ever need to talk I'm always around somewhere so feel free to message me!

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