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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
xxprincessxx Offline
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Name: Sammie
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Location: Ohio

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Join Date: March 7th 2010

It's like I take one huge step forward, and then two steps back... - July 13th 2013, 05:27 PM

So for the past two weeks (minus the past three days) I have been fine. I've felt happier than I have felt in a really long time. I wasn't questioning my friendships and relationships with people, I trusted them, we could have normal conversations and just hang out and have fun. I could easily tell myself that the "symptoms" (physical) that I were feeling were due to my anxiety, nothing else and that I would eventually be fine, plus it doesn't matter anyways because I have a doctors appointment next Wednesday. All of my friends could tell a radical difference in me. I was happy, I was proud, I though maybe I had made a breakthrough.

But right now, I feel depressed. Not like the "I can't function" depression. More of the "everybody hates me and secretly feels sorry for me, and nobody wants to be my friend, and nobody really loves me." I'm sure my friends are tired of listen to me complain about this, but it's how I feel, honestly. Plus, I have had urges to cut basically everyday, and I've managed not to for the past three days. I told two of my friends last night that I've been feeling like I need to, but I don't want to keep bringing it up. I don't want to push them away with my dysfunctions. But I really just want to make a small cut, just to feel a bit better.

My anxiety is also not doing good at the moment. I keep feeling short of breathe (which is my biggest thing with anxiety) amongst the feelings and fears of everyone leaving me. But now I'm back to thinking "I'm dying"

Basically, my life isn't as horrible or low as it has been, but I'm not feeling exactly happy either. :/ I just feel like I keep going back to square one over and over again.

all i want is a place to call my own and
mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone,
you know to keep your hopes up high and your head down low.

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
BrittLovesRicky Offline
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Re: It's like I take one huge step forward, and then two steps back... - July 13th 2013, 07:40 PM

Sammie, i can understand your frustration.

I remember feeling that way too.. There was a point that i went an entire 3 years feeling bad and then good.. like every time i felt happy with life for a few weeks, then it came crashing down.. I also had the urge to cut many times during those bad times.. You should find a friend that is supportive and understands. Talk to them about all the things you want so badly to talk about. You have to understand that there will be friends that come and go.. but there will also be friends that stay.. If you find a friend that has been around for awhile and knows some of the situation, then you can confide in them. Also TH is here for you too..

What helped me get through was i got online. I searched for everything i wanted in life.. What type of house i wanted. What type of car i wanted. New shoes, clothes, animals, etc. Find everything you want.. Print off pictures or write down the list.. Post it on your wall.. next to that have another piece of blank paper. Every day you find yourself sad.. write down one thing from your list that you could live without.. it will help remind you that the sad days are taking something from you when they shouldnt.. it puts off your dreams longer and longer.. When i made my list, i had 45 different things.. when i had gotten down to 5, it hit me hard that most of those days that i thought i was sad, was just merely my own reflection making me think so, when in all honesty, i wasnt even sad.. i just felt like i should be..

i am at this moment happy.. and still have my sad and bad days.. but i can see a better life for me, and im doing what i can to make a good life..

i really hope you take what i said into consideration and try it out.. what could hurt? see if it helps you like it did me..

Life is to amazing to just waste it.

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Re: It's like I take one huge step forward, and then two steps back... - July 13th 2013, 09:47 PM

For one thing, if you EVER feel extremely down and like nobody will listen, please message me. I promise you I won’t judge or anything. I tell people all the time that I have heard pretty much anything and nothing surprises me. If I haven’t experienced it myself, I know someone that has. I can understand how you are scared that your friends are getting sick of hearing what’s happening or you will worry them/make them sad. The second 2 MAY sometimes be true, but here’s the thing. If they are real, true friends, they won’t get sick of hearing about it and although they may be scared or worried sometimes, its because they love you and want you to get better. If they are real, true friends, they will stay with you and do everything they can to help you. I am REALLY proud of you for stopping yourself and keeping yourself from SHing these past few days, thats SO good!! I also understand about the anxiety. I am the poster child for anxiety, have had it bad since I was an infant. Doing almost anything used to scare me and I never wanted to leave my parents or things/places that were familier to me like my house. I have gotten better over the years very slowly, but even now at 19, I still struggle a lot. You are not alone at all with your anxiety. You are also not alone with those “nobody likes me/wants to be my friend, nobody loves me”. I KNOW how it feels with those too. I often feel like that and get very, very lonely. I have such a hard time making friends in general because i’m so shy. And I often wish that I had one person that was always there for me and never judged me. I have a best friend and she is wonderful and I love her beyond anything, but there has been times where I feel like she just doesn’t get me. But thats okay and I don’t blame her. Its just that with certain things, people don’t really understand unless they have experienced it too. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon and i’m serious, if you want someone to talk to or just a new friend, I am ALWAYS here.

  (#4 (permalink)) Old
steve_19 Offline
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Re: It's like I take one huge step forward, and then two steps back... - July 15th 2013, 03:25 AM

I feel the same, you are definitely not the only one trust. Me personally I have times when I feel great like I can fit in and don't feel like im an outcast because of the way I feel, but then the next day it can all change in an instant. Where it just feels like I am unwanted, unloved and nobody would care if I was here or not, where if i try to reach out to friends they hide and i don't want to drive them away so but they still then avoide me. The past year for me has been the hardest time of my life and that sometimes I ask myslef if i really wanna continue.
On the other hand the way I battle these thoughts feelings and abandonment is through music mine and various artists. One thing I have tried doing is just writing down everything you feel and somehow make this into lyrics, makes me feel a lot better. Something i would recommend for anyone to try even if you dont consider yourself music or literally inclined in any way. One music artist that will forever be in my playlists, is LIGHTS, shes incredible and inspirational, and her music has helped me so much even in my lowest of lows. two songs to listen to are Face Up and Heavy Rope
anyway this was kind of my way of venting, and hope that some of these tips will help others and as rough as times may be I know I will never try to give up on myself and slowly try to rebuild the confidence I once had, and hope others will do the same.
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back, forward, huge, step, steps

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