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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy This is just too much for me... - July 24th 2013, 12:14 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't think I can do this anymore.
Every time I think I've hit rock bottom I just get even worse.
I just can't feel happy anymore, I don't have anything left to hold on to. My life has become so boring. I really hate my own guys for everything I do. I'm just not enough. Not smart enough. Not beautiful. My hair is awful. I'm too fat. I'm clumsy. I'm uncreative. I'm untalented. I'm annoying. I'm a failure. I'm a disappointment. I never do anything right. I'm pathetic.
I need to cut so bad but I can't because I have literally no privacy at home and my mom would see the scars (I ran out of excuses). Just looking down at myself is enough to trigger a breakdown. I'm just a huge blob of fat. That's all I am. My arms are the size my thighs should be and my thighs are approximately the size of a baby elephant. My stomach is huge. All I ever do is exercise but I just can't seem to lose weight. I hate it.
Also, my parents are so convinced that I'll go back to school this year. Truth is, I know I can't. I missed the second half of seventh grade because just the thought of going there makes me have a panic attack. I can't do it. I start panicking just thinking about it. I won't go back there. I can't even concentrate enough to calculate 2+2.
My psychiatrist is just a bitch (excuse the word but that's the only description I could come up with). She doesn't even really listen to what I say and all she's doing is basically trying to convert me into being an hardcore Catholic (I have nothing against people who preach their religion, but when they just try to shove their ideas down my mouth because "they're the only ones who can be right", I will be very irritated, no matter what the subject is) and "dressing like a normal girl" (I have a preference for more punk clothing...). She always tells me I'm "just being a whiny bitch" and I just need to "suck it up. Come on, the worst that could happen would be fainting in the middle of the hall. You'd wake up sooner or later." Of course, the best thing when I have a panic attack would be having hundreds of people all around me pushing and trying to see what's going on.... Trust me, I wish I could just disappear. Drawing attention to me doesn't look like a good way to do it. I don't want to talk to her anymore but at the same time I'm scared to switch because I could always find someone who is even worse.
I feel like I'm nothing but a disappointment to myself and others. Even my parents often tell me to "just go shoot your brains out or poison yourself or jump off a building or whatever, just as long as you finally drop dead and let us be".
And I'm actually thinking of doing it. I don't matter to anybody. I hate myself. Everybody I know always tells me, either explicitly or indirectly, that I should kill myself. Even my hallucinations do. And I know I'm never gonna realise my dreams. I just want to be the guitar player in a band but I know I'm never gonna make it. I suck. I'm not creative. Plus I'm such a panicky person and with my personality I know I wouldn't last a day. So what's the point in staying? I just want to die. I've tried killing myself countless times, even before people started telling me to do so. No one ever found out though, and I plan on keeping it that way until I finally succeed. If they knew I'm also really suicidal and have an eating disorder(that's another thing they don't know) my parents would just treat me even worse.
The pills just never seem to work though and I can never cut deep enough. I wish I could succeed for once. All I want is to kill myself. To stop feeling and stop all this stuff. Killing myself isn't a permanent solution for a temporary problem, when the problem is the fact that I'm alive it becomes more of a permanent solution for an extremely permanent problem.
I tried medication, I tried just about everything. I just can't get better. I give up.
I just wish I had a gun...

Sorry for the long rant. I needed to.
   
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Re: This is just too much for me... - July 25th 2013, 09:22 PM

Okay for one thing, your parents should NOT be speaking to you in such a way. That is verbal abuse. Parents don’t do that. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even want you living with them because its not helping you and its very damaging to hear such things, it would be for anyone. No wonder why you feel the way you do. As for school, you said you get panic attacks and never want to go. Why is that? Are people bothering you at school? If they are, you need to tell someone, anyone that can help you. You shouldn’t have to put up with bullying at school as well as at home. Your therapist sounds...crazy. A therapist is certainly not there to convert you to a religion, goodness no. Sounds like you need a new one. Some therapists just aren’t for us and we need to look around for a while for a good fit for us. I do think though that you should talk to your doctor about all this as well. He/she may be able to refer you to a new therapist and also maybe help with whats been going on. I know you feel really bad right now, feel like you don’t matter, but you do. You always will and always have. Everyone is important in their own way. We are all here for a reason. We may not know that reason, we may never know. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. People do care about you honey. Every day of your life, there will always be someone that cares, even if you don’t know who that person is or don’t realise it. I think you think so badly of yourself because you’ve been stuck in an enviorment where thats all you ever hear and you’ve started believing it. Thats why I said its a really toxic place in your house if your parents act that way with you. I really hope things get better for you though=( If you ever need someone to talk to or would just like a new friend, I am here. I know you sent me a message not too long ago and i’m sorry I got back kinda late=( I will always see whatever messages I have though first thing when I get back on.


   
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Re: This is just too much for me... - July 25th 2013, 10:00 PM

Thanks for replying.
About school, I don't even know what's going on. I used to be bullied all through preschool, elementary school and half of the first grade in middle school (6th grade). Then I switched schools mid year. I found people that are actually somewhat nice. I mean, I'm still the outcast and everything but they just ignore me instead of bullying me. I actually seemed to manage to somehow go to school and finish 6th grade. Then in 7th the whole panic stuff just got back to how it used to be and even worse so I completely stopped going.
I can't go talk to my doctor unless my mom takes me and she sure isn't willing. She actually likes my current psychiatrist because they hate me just the same. Yay.
I don't really wanna keep living with my parents either, to be honest. But I just can't get out. I have nobody else. My whole family is just like them and I don't have friends. So I'm just gonna have to stay here until I'm either old enough to get a job and move out or dead.


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Re: This is just too much for me... - July 25th 2013, 10:38 PM

I think in school, you may be scared of the bullying starting up again. Just remind yourself though that it wont happen. People at your new school are better. I think it may help you though to have some sort of friend there. I would ether join some sort of school club or after school program, or just try every now and then to say hi to people, even if you are just passing by them in the hall. A small hello goes a LONG way sometimes. In terms of getting the other help you need, since there is no family members or friends willing to help, the next best thing you can do is go to someone at your school when school starts up again. I don’t mean another kid, I mean a staff member of some sort. They HAVE to help you if something serious is going on, they can’t ignore it.


   
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Re: This is just too much for me... - July 25th 2013, 10:46 PM

Hey there,

I apologize in advance...this has gotten a bit long. Please bear with me, though...I'm hoping it really helps!

How about a hug?

Now, first thing's first...I'm going to be VERY clear. Do not EVER, under any circumstances, degrade yourself in the manner that you just have.

Quote:
I'm just not enough. Not smart enough. Not beautiful. My hair is awful. I'm too fat. I'm clumsy. I'm uncreative. I'm untalented. I'm annoying. I'm a failure. I'm a disappointment. I never do anything right. I'm pathetic.
Don't do that. You're adding to your toxic environment...the one that is already infested with WAY too many negative vibes. I'm not telling you to turn into an optimist overnight, or telling you that understanding your weaknesses is a bad thing...we all have weaknesses, and it's important to be honest with ourselves as to what those are so we can be aware, and hopefully improve them to the best of our abilities. Chances are that many of these things are exaggerations, or are based on your experiences in a time when you've been your own worst enemy. It's harder to do things well when you're fighting yourself, and we are our own worst critics.

There is a difference, though, between being honest and being hurtful. You're being hurtful to yourself right now...this is actually a DESTRUCTIVE force. What you need is to treat yourself with compassion. In case you wonder what I mean by that, I'll explain...

For years I've struggled with a phobia of needles, and for even longer, I've struggled with white coat syndrome (a general uneasiness and nervousness related to medical environments and seeing the doctor). My 'brother' (or, rather, the closest person I'll ever have to one) told me to "have compassion for myself". I didn't really understand what he meant by that, until he told me this. There is a being that embodies your emotions. Now, that being is very scared (or frustrated, or upset, or worried, or whatever the emotional condition may be). The difference between being compassionate and being intolerant is the difference between giving the being a hug and telling the being that they're ridiculous and need to get over it, shut up, and go away.

You're in a similar situation. Your emotions are scared, frustrated, alone, unloved, etc. etc. You're not working with yourself, though...you're pushing yourself away. You need to treat yourself with love and kindness, and tell yourself (including your emotions) that you'll stay around and get through this. It's the equivalent of helping your best friend when they're in a corner feeling bad about whatever issue they may be going through....you hug them, and promise them you'll help. Do the same for yourself!

The other important thing is the idea of taking things in smaller chunks, and of motivating yourself. Right now, you're (presumably) completely overwhelmed by everything. You have so many issues, so many things that you aren't satisfied with, that it seems daunting beyond description to even TRY to start working away at it, much less get anywhere. The answer to this, for many of us, is goal setting.

We ALL have things that are difficult, challenging, and just plain old frustrating for us. But the thing that makes it easier to start (and finish) something is to know what you want to achieve, when you want to achieve it, and to focus on that particular goal at that particular point in time.

Let's say you're writing a computer program and you want it to ask what someone's name is, and then greet them. First it has to ask, then it has to get the name from them, and then it has to give it back on the screen. Now, that would be a difficult thing for a novice IF they tried to do everything at once. They'd probably rush through, make mistakes, and get completely frustrated (assuming they figured out how to start at all). They could, though, focus on each of the three parts separately. First, they get it to just ask "What's your name?". Okay, got that. Now, can we let it take the name in from the user? Yep. Okay, now finally, it's gotta print it back. "Hi, name!". It's SO much easier to do that in pieces than to approach it all at once and be going every which way to get it done. This is especially applicable in most life situations, which are much less logical and procedural than any computer science problem.

So, I leave you with these key pieces of advice:
- Be compassionate, kind, and positive
- Set smaller goals for each of the things that you want to achieve so that you CONSTRUCTIVELY help yourself! Maybe it's as small as going for a walk...whatever will help you get through this, and make progress, while maintaining your motivation.


Chris
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last updated on 11/11/17
   
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