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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Long vent about a SH depressed teen - April 20th 2015, 08:02 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Sorry for formatting this was originally in facebook messages to an emtpy account I made for venting, but that didn't feel satisfying knowing nobody would even be able to read it.

I was just sitting here reflecting on why I have been getting my ass handed to me emotionally over the last few weeks and I figured it out. It's all Jane. All of it, I mean it really could have been anyone I mean literally anyone. But for some reason my teenaged brain decided she was to be my crush some time last year. Anyways. I really liked her and I really wanted her. This caused me to take action, I began doing things that would allow me to converse with her (An example being I started to watch Dr. Who) as I had few conversation topic that I had naturally accrued from just living my life. This also led to attempted self improvement. I began to take better care of myself, I went for walks (didn't tell anyone as I didn't want people asking why I decided to start being active) I fixed my poor posture, ate better, I started accutane prescribed by my doctor to help with my acne as well as washing my face more thoroughly. And this generally led me to be healthier and happier. So at the start this crush was a good thing for me. A very good thing.

But as time went on I started to stress about it, I started to care more and more about what she thought and although I wasn't awkward around her or girls at all (At least I didn't feel awkward and I put a large amount of work into getting to that point) I started hesitating with my words due to fear of saying the wrong thing. This was the start of it becoming unhealthy. Time went on and I became more and more worried as well as self concious. Then the last day of grade 9 came around. I had decided that day I was going to ask her out as it was relatively risk free. If she said yes then I could get her number and arrange things, if she said no (the more likely outcome) no big deal it would blow over before I saw her again in 2 months time. Well needless to say I got scared and didn't ask her out. This destroyed me. I went home early after lunch because I felt like I was going to cry. So I spent the next week full of regret, sadness and anger. Then I just put it out of my mind until the end of summer. To be honest I didn't think I would still like her come the fall. Big mistake, you guessed it I did still like her. Okay so then it continues on and I kind of slow down of the self improvement thing (No more walks or anything like that, I keep up my hygene though) So I decide fuck it I'll give a go at being relatively subtle and letting her know that way. This was in late October. So I start off by just talking to her more and being around her more. This continues until I'm literally with her constantly. Then she goes to England boohoo I'm a bit sad and I miss her, oh well I make it through the couple weeks. Then I go back to what I was doing before
That was until 3 days before winter break (The night of the winter concert)
She starts acting distant and uncomfortable, I ask her if anything was wrong and as you could probably guess she said it was fine
I shrugged it off and give her some space for the rest of the evening
Okay so I go to school and she's talking normally to everyone but me. And she's treating me rather strange. Just not talking to me in a friendly manner.
This continues until the next day and through to winter break
So I say to myself "Okay, I'll give her the winter break and maybe by the end whatever her problem was will solve itself"
Well, it doesn't. She's still treating me poorly and it's making me sad and a little frusterated
BEcause I have no idea why she's so cocking mad/uncomfortable
If you remember I asked where Jane was in the morning back in January
This was because I wanted to ask her what the problem was
So I go up to her and ask her and of course beingthe baby I am I get a little emotional and hold back tears as this is hard for me to do.
She says "Oh no there's no problem we're fine"
I ask again at the end of the day, same answer.
After a couple days she's back to normal so I'm like "okay I'll give it a few days then try again. Maybe she had personal issues and it wasn't to do with me at all"
So I go back to talking to her a lot for acouple weeks and then she's back to being distant
This was shortly before spring break
And now you might say "Alright, nice backstory. So what?"
Well that leads into why I was upset lately
On the day after Spring Break ends I go for a stroll during the lunch hour with Samantha and Jane, and Jane seems fine. We talk about the nerdy math shit I like, and she talks about her music shit that she likes and we get along famously
Seemingly no problem. So I think she's over whatever the problem was before spring break
Well they say it isn't wise to assume, they're right
I end the day by talking to her again about some tosh I can't remember and I end with "Goodbye Jane, it has been wonderful chatting with you. Have a nice evening and I'll see you tomorrow"
Apparently that is extremely rude because the next day she was distant again
This time she didn't get over it
I waited 3 weeks, until Friday and she treated me with contempt, disrespect and hatred the entire time
When I would speak to her she would 1) Ignore me
2) Not make eye contact
3) Cut me off in the middle of a sentence to speak with someone else
I had never seen her treat anyone with such disrespect
Which at the time made me think she hated me more than she had ever hated anyone that I had met
And this made me hate myself
And not only that, I was feeling extreme jealousy as I believe she likes Jason. Not to spread rumours, it's pure speculation and you should treat it as such
So here was this girl, I wanted her more than I had ever wanted anyone or anything in my entire life
And she's never been disrespectful to anyone ever
And she's treating me like a piece of shit, and I realize I failed and I have no chance with her no matter what I try to do
Yeah, that made me angry
So I begin getting rageful. And one day, 2 weeks ago Wednesday (April 8th) I lose it
I'm sitting in french class and she's sitting next to me due to assigned seating
We have to speak to each other in french as per the teachers request to do an excercise
And she says "I'l rather just read it"
So then I feel anger build up, I could either cry, shout, or break something
So I give myself rug burn, I rub and rub and rub and rub until blood is coming from the burn. Must have been a 3rd degree friction burn. I'm literally shaking in anger and she pays no nevermind to it
On some level in hindsight I think I was doing it so she would ay attention to me and stop ignoring me, but that wasn't conciously why I was doing it
I didn't want to shout or cry so I did that
That's when I fall into a depression. Not true depression as that's not something you get when there's nothing wrong
But I'm in about as dark of a place as I've ever been. Bullying had never hurt me the way this did. Her passive aggression hurt me more than any insults some asshole could have thrown at me.
So I revert to my poor posture, poor eating habits, I keep my head down most of the time
And I start rubbing more and more
Thursday (Jazz Fest) I literally didn't eat anything, and that's when Samantha asked if I was okay
I said I was fine when I obviously wasn't
When everyone else was eating pitas I was sitting there with my head down with no emotion on my face, because if I showed my emotions I would be broken down in tears and getting arrested for destruction of public property
Right before we boarded the bus I asked Jane "Do you hate me"?
She either didn't hear me or didn't want to hear whwat I said
So she said "What"
I repeated "Do you fucking hate me?"
"No, no , no nothing like that" she replied
Before a tear fell I boarded the bus where she followed and asked "Is everything alright?"
YTou guessed it I said "I'm fine it's nothing" and a tear rolled down my cheek, I swiftly wiped it
So I pull my sweater of the left side of my face put my backpack on my right to block any view of my and I silently cry for a few minutes while nobody was around me
The next day I try to act normal and as if nothinghad happened and nobody saw me starve myself, and ask someone seriously if they hated me
Then I get called to the counsellors where I learn that someone said that I had been depressed lately
Obviously I don't tell them shit
She asks if I had been self harming or thinking about it I say "No, I would never do that"
She asks if I felt neglected I say "No all of my friends and family have been very pleasant lately"
She asks how I feel on a scale of 1-10 I say "About a 7, I just got 8/10 on my gymnastics routine so I feel great"
Those were all lies, I was just faking it so she would let me leave
And instead of recognising that someone cared enough to go to someone to help me, all I thought was "Someone broke my trust and it wasn't their place to go to the counselors"
So I ask everyone I mean EVERYONE who went to the cousellors (I now recognise that they were just trying to help and I appreciate it no matter who it was)
And everyone says it wasn't then
them*
Well now I'm really bad because someone had lied to my face.
At the end of the day I've calmed down and I ask Jane to speak in private
I say "Hey I wanted to talk to you about what I said yesterday when I asked if you hated me. I am really not in a good place and I've felt like you've been treating me poorly and acting distant."
She said "It's alright, I didn't mean to put out that message and give off those signals I'm sorry. I know you have things going on in your life. If you ever want to talk I'm here"
And you know what. She's still fucking lying to my face
And THAT'S why I burned yesterday
Today I put a bandage on it as some of the burns were 2nd and 3rd degree so it could get infected but yeah
Sorry for bothering you, you don't have to read it if you don't want to. I just needed to get it out there
Venting for 45 minutes straight feels really good
   
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Re: Long vent about a SH depressed teen - April 20th 2015, 09:00 AM

Well, to begin with, we'll start with the burns. If the burns are second and third degree then that's something you need to see a doctor about. I hope you know what the degrees mean. First degree is impacting only the first, top layer of skin, second degree is removing the skin's first layer and impacting one of the lower layers, where at least one is intact and third degree is affecting all layers of skin and possibly the structures underneath.

If you feel those are second or third degree, treat them with Saline or Betadine or present yourself to hospital, depending on how large the burns are.

Regardless, back to the issue. I have basically read my own story. Well, not entirely, given I never self harmed and it wasn't a crush, nor was it something that compelled me to take better care of myself (those habits were already cemented, although I have let myself go since then ).

However, I do go back to the similarity of the situation to mine, given the slow but sure degradation of a relationship which meant so much to me and the search for answers. Her name was Stefanie, and for as long I remain in the mental state I am in now, I will never forget her. In fact, I probably never will forget that time in my life.

So remember here, that you're not alone. I and many others have probably been through the same situation. Reading it back now, that probably doesn't sound very reassuring but most people can tend to take solace in the fact that there are survival stories right up and down the street. Who's to say you can't move on too?

I know it's a difficult perspective to maintain and one which probably can't be seen from the seat of someone who's currently going through a relationship degradation, but I think you should take stock of the benefits of the connection you originally had with Jane. She incited you to take better care of yourself, and you exposed yourself to the magic of Doctor WHO! . Seriously though, I think all relationships are effective if they teach us something about ourselves and regardless of whether or not they break down later, the effect they have on us should last longer than the connection itself.

That connection you had with Jane and the effort to get her attention and get to know her, it made you better and whether or not she treated you badly afterwards or whatever the case may be, that was still a nice time for you. In fact, you could probably go back to that awesomeness.

Speaking of going back to good times, we shall move on to the penultimate point, that being the counselling and the contact that someone gave your counselor. Now, it's totally up to you, but I think you should take full advantage of your school's counselling services. People get back to their best all the time and they move on from undesirable situations all the time but almost all of them need some assistance along the way.

Famous racing driver Peter Brock won the Bathurst 1000 (Australia's biggest race) by six laps, around twenty miles, but he had the assistance of a co-driver, pit crew, engineer, mechanics, team owner, race team manager, technical director and catering team LOL, and others. It doesn't take anything away from the phenomenal achievement and contribution he made. HOWEVER, without the engineering advice, without the telemetry, without the strategic planning and tyre/fuel allocation, without successful pit stops, without good stints from the co-driver, without the chicken sandwiches LOL, the result would have been different.

That's what counsellors do, they support you in an effort that's completed by yourself. They will talk to you about your situation and sometimes give you explanations as to why you feel the way you feel, psychological explanations. They will also give you coping strategies to help distract you or soothe you when undesirable feelings arise.

It might be an uncomfortable experience at first, but in two months, six months, twelve months, when you recover from that experience, it'll likely (hopefully) be worth it. It's a brave thing to make contact with a counselor and express your concern for someone but the fact that someone cared enough to do that is very important indeed.

It's also a brave thing to come to us and I hope you continue doing so in the future .

H.


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Last edited by RadioSerenade; April 20th 2015 at 11:42 AM.
   
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Re: Long vent about a SH depressed teen - April 20th 2015, 09:50 AM

There is nothing worse, then going through hell of depression. You wake up each day, not knowing if you will make it
'till night, or you will simply give in, and end it all yourself. The drugs sometimes help, and sometimes make it worse.
Felt like I had no control whatsoever over my own life. But with some help from my family, the people who truly love me, I
managed to get myself out of that hell-hole. It took me a while, but I managed to teach myself how to push trough the day, and keep on fighting.
In the end, it all comes down to helping yourself get up and fight, because without that no one can truly help you, no matter how much they would want to.
To conclude, help yourself, so you could go out into the world, and start truly living, and that will be a cure on it's own. For anyone suffering from depression,
I recommend something that has helped me a lot. It is James Gordonís system at lookingupstuff.com/mentalhealth/2015/02/06/how-to-destroy-depression
He is a former depression sufferer, and teaches a totally natural 7 step process which relieves depression from your life.
   
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Re: Long vent about a SH depressed teen - April 21st 2015, 03:04 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeventySyndrome View Post
Well, to begin with, we'll start with the burns. If the burns are second and third degree then that's something you need to see a doctor about. I hope you know what the degrees mean. First degree is impacting only the first, top layer of skin, second degree is removing the skin's first layer and impacting one of the lower layers, where at least one is intact and third degree is affecting all layers of skin and possibly the structures underneath.

If you feel those are second or third degree, treat them with Saline or Betadine or present yourself to hospital, depending on how large the burns are.

Regardless, back to the issue. I have basically read my own story. Well, not entirely, given I never self harmed and it wasn't a crush, nor was it something that compelled me to take better care of myself (those habits were already cemented, although I have let myself go since then ).

However, I do go back to the similarity of the situation to mine, given the slow but sure degradation of a relationship which meant so much to me and the search for answers. Her name was Stefanie, and for as long I remain in the mental state I am in now, I will never forget her. In fact, I probably never will forget that time in my life.

So remember here, that you're not alone. I and many others have probably been through the same situation. Reading it back now, that probably doesn't sound very reassuring but most people can tend to take solace in the fact that there are survival stories right up and down the street. Who's to say you can't move on too?

I know it's a difficult perspective to maintain and one which probably can't be seen from the seat of someone who's currently going through a relationship degradation, but I think you should take stock of the benefits of the connection you originally had with Jane. She incited you to take better care of yourself, and you exposed yourself to the magic of Doctor WHO! . Seriously though, I think all relationships are effective if they teach us something about ourselves and regardless of whether or not they break down later, the effect they have on us should last longer than the connection itself.

That connection you had with Jane and the effort to get her attention and get to know her, it made you better and whether or not she treated you badly afterwards or whatever the case may be, that was still a nice time for you. In fact, you could probably go back to that awesomeness.

Speaking of going back to good times, we shall move on to the penultimate point, that being the counselling and the contact that someone gave your counselor. Now, it's totally up to you, but I think you should take full advantage of your school's counselling services. People get back to their best all the time and they move on from undesirable situations all the time but almost all of them need some assistance along the way.

Famous racing driver Peter Brock won the Bathurst 1000 (Australia's biggest race) by six laps, around twenty miles, but he had the assistance of a co-driver, pit crew, engineer, mechanics, team owner, race team manager, technical director and catering team LOL, and others. It doesn't take anything away from the phenomenal achievement and contribution he made. HOWEVER, without the engineering advice, without the telemetry, without the strategic planning and tyre/fuel allocation, without successful pit stops, without good stints from the co-driver, without the chicken sandwiches LOL, the result would have been different.

That's what counsellors do, they support you in an effort that's completed by yourself. They will talk to you about your situation and sometimes give you explanations as to why you feel the way you feel, psychological explanations. They will also give you coping strategies to help distract you or soothe you when undesirable feelings arise.

It might be an uncomfortable experience at first, but in two months, six months, twelve months, when you recover from that experience, it'll likely (hopefully) be worth it. It's a brave thing to make contact with a counselor and express your concern for someone but the fact that someone cared enough to do that is very important indeed.

It's also a brave thing to come to us and I hope you continue doing so in the future .

H.
Well possibly only 2nd degree burns in that case. Yesterday I went to the drug store and got Saline, antibiotic cream (Polysporin), sterile medical Gauze, medical wrap to hold said gauze in place as well as medical tape to hold said wrap together. So I should have enough to change the bandages every day for a week so the wound shouldn't be an issue. As for Jane, well I doubt I'll be over her any time soon. I hope someday I can move on, but today isn't that day. I appreciate the long thorough response it means a lot to me. Your words really resonate with me
   
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