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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
MsNobleEleanor Offline
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What Life? - April 20th 2015, 10:06 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I haven't been well which I've been on the brisk of a huge mental/emotional breakdown where I am constantly on the verge to fully give up on everything. At times I sit and do nothing because I am so stuck that I am engulfed in this flame of mud. So many causes to me feeling this way which has been getting really unbearable to deal with and handle.

I've been seeking support in the last 6 months and it seems that as much as I reach out no one is willing to try to help me. After trying to reach those places, I give up after endless phone calls and voice messages. I dropped out of College because I failed half my classes because I had a rupture at the beginning of that program I was in. After withdrawing from the Winter term I went to an employment agency which is connected with Ontario (the Government) to get some help to find a sponsor so I can registrar with Ministry of Trades and get verified to work in order to apply to College trade programs. (I have to be in an apprenticeship program before I can apply to trade school) Afterwards, I got referred to a Trades Office which wasn't helpful at all. At the end, I tried to contact my Employment Worker and never heard back while I called back and heard nothing, so after 2 weeks of doing that, I gave up.

Frustration was there, I was about to go into Court to work out a payment plan for rent because I had no job or income. I looked endlessly and after applying for several jobs I got no results. I made a choice to sell my body for income. I had no other choice and it is what it is. Thankfully, I was able to pay rent so I never went through Court.

Things got much worse, I started to lie about how I was feeling, I kept a secret (I still keep this secret) that would automatically put me into a hospital for days or weeks. I couldn't risk that, so I lied about my feelings on a daily basis, lying through my teeth to only protect myself. I wasn't completely honest with my counselor either of the secret which I still keep. Truthfully, I believe I am better off. I have no family, no financial support, I have only myself and I've been living by myself for 6 years. I keep fighting myself to keep going but sometimes when I am trying as hard as I can, it seems I am this lost cause.

3 weeks ago the agency contacted me by email asking me where I am today, if I've found work, in school, and this and that. It angered me to the point I requested the Director to be involved. I lashed out in the email explaining I wouldn't be in this situation I am now if I've gotten help and someone responding to my calls, which no one did. I went into a meeting today with them, where I found out that programs I could have gone through at the time I was asking for help, I missed. I cried and swore because I missed some great opportunities because someone decided to not get back to me.

The entire thing is frustrating and upsetting, I've been running around with my head cut off like a chicken trying to find the money to pay bills. It hasn't been helping me with my treatment plan and at this rate I am going to end up in counseling for a long time. Today, they're working hard for me because of what happened, I have two people on my case to ensure I get the proper job and training for Trades.

I can't handle my emotions anymore I am either on the brisk of doing something serious and dangerous because I feel like this lost cause. I have nothing and no one wants to help me, someone who has nothing, they just want to forget about me. For the last 3 months, I've been selling myself or my company to people just to be able to pay bills and get by because looking for work and applying to jobs hasn't gotten me anywhere. I got hired to a cleaning company but I got fired because I needed a few days off. It is what it is.

I am not sure what I am asking for, this most likely is a rant/vent but I feel if I don't do anything about it, I'm going to seriously do something harmful. I'm carefully monitored by my Psychiatrist but even then I refuse to tell her how serious things are. I know she knows but she can't do anything unless I actually tell her. I wouldn't feel this bad if I had the proper support and now I am getting help to find work and training but I missed training that I could have went to and most likely wouldn't be in this situation.


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Re: What Life? - April 20th 2015, 10:35 PM

I'm here for you I'll do whatever I can. Please don't do anything dangerous,you are worth so much. You help so much people here and you are an absolutely amazing human being. Depression is horrible and you feel like nothing can stop it or make it better but it gets better,trust me. Please PM me if you wanna just have someone to talk to. I'm here for you whenever you need a friend : )

Last edited by Dan11; April 20th 2015 at 10:54 PM.
   
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Re: What Life? - April 21st 2015, 10:53 AM

It is very unfortunate that the neglect of others has landed you in the situation you are in. I'm glad to hear they are now paying you more attention and trying to help, but it is definitely something which should never have happened in the first place.

You have obviously been through a lot in the past while and it's understandable that you would feel lost, frustrated and depressed. But it sounds as if things may be starting to look up, so I really hope you are able to hang on. I'm in Ontario myself - in a tourism-based area - and lately have have my own personal struggles in regard to jobs, and I have an idea of how things can be here.

Again, I do realize that you have been put through so much, but you are clearly a strong individual and have fought this long and hard that I know you can come out on top of all of this. I hope that sharing your story has helped you somewhat and there are many people here who would be willing to listen and help anytime. Best wishes.
   
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Re: What Life? - April 22nd 2015, 05:37 AM

Hey

I'm always gonna be here for you to talk to and rant about your day, good or bad. I know you are probably sick of hearing that, and I'm sorry. I want you to remember though that you are strong enough to get through whatever life throws at you, no matter how hard or tough it may be. It might not seem like it, especially right now, but it's true. It wouldn't be fun if we all got stuck in the middle, after all.


Maybe you can try doing something you enjoy doing? You don't have to be good at it, just new things you think you might enjoy. Maybe you can volunteer at a library if you like reading and kids? Whatever you'd like.

Take it from someone who has done and wishes to do very dangerous things to themselves; it's not worth it in the long-run. You are worth so much to people around you. You might not see it, but it's the truth. I remember the first time I used the Live Chat thing, I got you and you helped me so much. It meant a lot to me, and it still does today.


Love you Eve


"Remember your loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home." - Linkin park, The messenger. Stay strong everyone!! You are always strong enough to get through whatever life throws your way, no matter how hard it may seem.
   
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