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Wolfz Offline
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Name: Colin
Gender: FtM Trans

Posts: 351
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Join Date: January 20th 2014

I just can't anymore... - June 15th 2015, 03:10 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I just accidentally closed the tab in which I had the full thread written......
I didn't save or copy it...

Whatever. I try to rewrite it as close as possible.

my mum always wants me to do this or do that..


I told her that I was diagnosed with depression a few days after I was... (that was a year ago)
And even she was diagnosed with depression a long time ago (when I wasn't even born) so she should be able to understand me.. a little? atleast? Or is mine just worse than her's is/was?

I really can't anymore...
School is really difficult for me... and I am really numb and paranoid most of the time..

Once I told my mum that I'd prefer to drop out of high school and she asked me what I wanted to do after summer vacation after I dropped out of high school then.. I told her that I wanted a break.. she was like, "Are you joking?? You have such a lot of free time! You're certainly not getting a break!"

She doesn't know what I'm experiencing right now...
She doesn't know what it means to be me...

She thinks everything is perfect inside of me... yeah.. sure.. I fake smile.. try not to show anything and hide it as much as possible.. But I can't smile anymore.. really.. I have a hard time smiling.

I am really on the verge of either starting to cut again or just contemplating suicide because I can't do all of this anymore...

My mind is "fucking me up".. For example, right now I'm like, "hm.. I wanna eat ice cream.. There's still some in the freezer." and my mind is like, "NO DON'T! it's poisoned! don't eat it! Don't even get close to it!"
I even eat as little as possible because I am so paranoid about my food being poisoned.. And my mind is always reminding me on that.. I don't hear voices though but my mind is truly enough fo a reminder not to eat much stuff..

I don't even know why I still write on these forums.. It's kinda luck that I write here.. still.
I've been so paranoid.. I fear about people tracking my address from the internet... They're all out to get me...

I've been believing way weirder stuff because of my paranoid behaviour.. (I don't wanna label it "paranoia" because I've not been diagnosed with it (yet))
I also just wanna be safe again.. I feel so unsafe most of the time...

I also don't wanna sleep anymore... I know what happens at the times I wake up.. and I hate it.. I don't wanna sleep anymore.. I try to stay as late up as possible.. shouldn't be a problem though.. My sleeping routine is really weird anyway..

ugh.. whatever.. This is not even close to what I wrote before.. but I tried.
I don't know to explain most of the things though..

I don't have any place to go to.. I don't have any place to hide.. I don't have any privacy... And I also don't have any person to talk to about all this... besides my therapist.. but I really don't wanna tell her at all.. I don't trust her. I rather not wanna tell her.. I want to wait until I meet a person that I feel like I can trust..

Colin / 17 / Pre-op Trans-Guy
on T since 12/21/16

If you need someone to talk or if you have questions, feel free to PM or VM me.
I am always here!
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L4Y Offline
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Name: Adam
Gender: Male
Location: Ontario, Canada

Posts: 427
Join Date: April 14th 2015

Re: I just can't anymore... - June 16th 2015, 07:23 PM

Everything you are dealing with sounds very trying and I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I can understand how it would be frustrating to feel as if your mother doesn't understand what you are going through given her own history with depression. I suppose it goes to show that emotional pain can be difficult to understand even to those who have experienced it themselves.

I think it's good that you are seeking therapy. If you do not feel comfortable with this particular therapist, perhaps you could look into finding another one that you believe is a better fit. In any event, I wish you well. Take care.
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