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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Cutie7519 Offline
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Exclamation I'm better off dead... - June 24th 2015, 06:26 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm better off dead. No one believes me. I can't do this anymore. I've thought suicide everyday this week. No plans but now I have a plan and I might just do it tonight... I rather wake up dead. I keep hoping my own anti-depressants kill me. I went to the doctors and was told don't say anything about my thoughts. That whole visit I sat there laughing and smiling and joking with my mom in the exam room and the whole time I wanted to die. I go to college so depressed. I keep lying to hide my real pain. My parents all they see is for me to be on no meds and to control my own wellbeing. I keep being told "stop thinking suicide! You can stop it!" I want to fucking scream out "YOU TRY AND STOP THINKING DAMN SUICIDE EVERDAY AND YOU TELL ME ITS EASY!"

I can't do this anymore!!! I'm sick of it all. My urges are back and very strong. I want to make my wrists bleed maybe my parents will see I need meds to control myself. To control these thoughts. I'm becoming so withdrawal and so quiet it's scary but no one notices. Maybe when my mom wakes
Me I'll be dead, happy... And they will see I needed help.



"It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb, it's so much easier to go, than face all this pain here all alone."- Linkin Park, Easier to run

"When the nightmares take me, I will scream with the howling wind." Owl City, Lonely Lullaby

   
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XXCassXX Offline
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Re: I'm better off dead... - June 24th 2015, 06:50 AM

I know how you feel. When I'm really depressed I feel like I'm in a shit whole I can't get out and I want to die. It seems like nothing will get better, but you just have to tell yourself it will. You're strong enough to get through this. I know you can, please don't kill yourself.
   
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Re: I'm better off dead... - June 24th 2015, 02:24 PM

Hey there. I'm so sorry you are struggling so badly. Just know I'm always here if you want to talk.

I know on a personal level how hard it can be to try and 'Think Happy' as some people put it, rather than to be sad and the only thing you can think about is SH or suicide. Just know two things. First, you aren't alone. There are others out there who are suffering just the same as you, this isn't only something you go though, and there are people whom you can relate to. So next time you are having urges or you are having this horrible thoughts, just reach out. There are people (like me) who care about you, regardless of what you believe. There are ways to cope and get though this. Which brings me to the second thing.

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel! Things will get better. I promise you. I was diagnosed with depression, and social anxiety when I was in the second grade. I was only about 6 years old at the time. I struggled hard and tried to take my own life a few times. Thankfully I had someone explain to me that it was all worth it in the end. Now I'm twenty years old and things are so so much better, and they can get so much better for you as well. I know it's hard to see that when there is so much darkness clouding your head, and the only light you seem to have is slowly fading out, put I promise you can do this.

I'll be here for you every step of the way, and so will everyone else here on TH. We care for you, and we are here to help you every step of the way until you reach the end of your tunnel. Keep your head up dear, because I swear things get better, and you deserve to reach the light at the end.

Feel free to PM/VM me anytime you need anything. I'm right here for you. Hold strong.


"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." ~Sigmund Freud

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Re: I'm better off dead... - June 24th 2015, 10:37 PM

I've had those days where I just want to die cos of my fucking existence. No matter what I do or what I say I never make anything right. Most of creativity come from depression, believe it or not. It's a beautiful world we live in with a lot of mistakes and wrong doings that come about. I don't know what happiness is if I'm not under the influence or dating someone.
   
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Re: I'm better off dead... - June 27th 2015, 05:29 PM

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so terribly. You mentioned that you were told not to tell the doctor about your feelings, but I'm not sure that is a good idea. After all, how can they help if they are unaware of what you are dealing with?

It's upsetting when those close to us don't understand what we are going through, but you being dead and your parents being overcome with guilt aren't the answers - that would not help anyone, only bring more pain.

At the end of the day, if you feel you require medication to help deal with your feelings, then I believe that is likely the right way to go. I see your age is listed as 21. If I'm not mistaken, this means you have the legal right to ask for meds and handle your situation the way you see fit, regardless of where you reside.

I wish you well and hope things improve soon.
   
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Re: I'm better off dead... - June 28th 2015, 02:47 AM

Yes I know. But if I told my doctor I would have ended up in the hospital and then I would be kicked out of school.



"It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb, it's so much easier to go, than face all this pain here all alone."- Linkin Park, Easier to run

"When the nightmares take me, I will scream with the howling wind." Owl City, Lonely Lullaby

   
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Re: I'm better off dead... - June 29th 2015, 09:51 PM

Hi

I don't have anything to say that is going to change how you feel but I want you to know that you are still here. You thought you were going to do it that night but look at you all strong, you didn't. You have strength in you and I think that's what's pulling you through this as hard as it is for you right now. You can't just make the suicidal thoughts stop so I am not going to lie and say that you can but I do believe in you. I've seen you around here a lot and you seem like a lovely person and I believe you deserve the best. Let yourself have that chance.

Please, as hard as it is, don't harm yourself to show people what you are going through. You are worth more than self harm and don't deserve to put you through it. Yes, you bleeding would probably open your parents eyes but it isn't the right way to go around it. Talk to people. Let them in and be honest. Because you deserve for people to know how you feel and you deserve the help.

I am sorry if this wasn't much help but I'm always here if you need anything. Try stay strong and safe, you can do this.

Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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