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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Nihilist Offline
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Name: Gawain
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Location: Niagara Region, ON, Canada

Posts: 1
Join Date: July 1st 2015

Unhappy Happy birthday to me. - July 1st 2015, 03:24 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It's my birthday today. I am going to tell my life's story to whomever is going to listen. Or read. Whatever.

This entire day has been kind of awful. The past 4 years have been kind of awful. No, not kind of. For as long as I can remember, I have hated myself. For as long as I can remember, I have functioned on a very low level of sleep. I am constantly begging my body and mind to let me sleep, but it never happens.

I have been feeling like total scum forever now. I play too much guitar and listen to too much unhealthy music (Music that legitimately doesn't help anything. Depressive suicidal black metal isn't all that soothing.), and I have often simply locked myself in a room away from everyone else and sat there crying, curled up in a ball. In fact, that was what got me hospitalized in the end of June.

((Golly. This post is about to get worse. If you are reading this I would like you to google the song The Lovecats by The Cure. I just find the song very uplifting.))

I was hospitalized for taking a month out of everything to plan a murder. Then I was kept for visual and auditory hallucinations, suicidal thoughts, and some very bad anger management issues. I refused to go to any therapy groups for a while and simply played my guitar, sewed patches on, and wrote poetry, which didn't help because I was sitting there festering in my own emotions.

After that, they released me under the false idea that I was 'better'. Whenever I try to tell a family member that I am not better, they get mad. I often feel like they want me better so I can get out of my hair.

I used to be loud, boisterous, and all-round outgoing. Now I am quiet, I mumble things to myself and those who are brave enough about some frankly very terrifying things. I spend my time writing Dungeons And Dragons campaigns for a group that never existed. I whisper constantly. At this point, my best friend thinks I am going in the direction of Golem.

I don't eat much anymore. My other best friend hasn't spoken to me since he moved out while I was hospitalized and I don't know where he is or if he's okay, and I am worried. I try to occupy myself with things like writing and sewing, music, etc. It always ends with me really sad and ending up like I was before I got hospitalized. A fucking mess.

(By Cthulhu's beard, this is a long, quite depressing post. I congratulate you if you are still reading this somber cyber-tome.)

I just want to die. Those close enough to me to know what I am thinking won't let me leave my house in fear that I will jump. At this point I am just here because I have no other way of staying in contact with much else of the outside world. I don't care. They call me a nihilist for a reason. As some of you get to know me, you will see why.

Thank you very much for reading this and I promise if you message me I will not sew your lips shut in some sort of arcane trance.
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Re: Happy birthday to me. - July 1st 2015, 04:37 AM

Hi there!

Sounds as you've been through a lot. I'm really sorry that you've been feeling so awful and have had such hatred towards yourself for so long. Is it okay if I ask if anything in particular caused you to begin feeling depressed and start having negative feelings towards yourself? You said you'd been feeling this way for four years which is why I was wondering if anything has happened to make you feel this way. If you'd like to share anything else then I'd be happy to listen.

Practicing self-care can be really beneficial for improving how you treat and view yourself. By congratulating yourself on your accomplishments, no matter how small and recognizing your good qualities, it may help you see that everyone has unique, great qualities about them. You just have to find it and allow yourself to see it. Focus on unique and positive things about yourself personality-wise, like your concern for your friend for example; you're sitting here struggling with all of this, yet you're still thinking of your friend. That shows how caring you are, you know?

Don't be afraid to treat yourself to spoils as well. Improving your self-confidence is possible and can't lift your mood a lot. Fix your hair, get a new outfit, paint your nails etc. And do things that make you feel happy. Speaking of, I'm sorry that you aren't having a good day on your birthday, but for what it's worth - happy birthday. I hope there's some part of the day that you feel happiness. Especially since you're turning fifteen! That has to be exciting, no? How about this, since you're feeling awful, why don't you treat yourself to something nice? After all, it is your birthday and you've been through a lot so you deserve something nice. Perhaps you could bake cupcakes, cookies or a cake? Maybe you could also have a favorite snack of yours while watching one of your childhood favorite movies or a comedy to give more of a happy mood to the day?

When you're dealing with depression and having sad moods, it's only normal to resort to things you feel as you can relate to; dark heavy metal music, for instance, and while it may feel comforting, it may be having more of a negative effect on you because it allows you to sink further into the darkness. Liking a certain type of music is completely okay because everyone's different, you know? But try to also add uplifting and peaceful songs to each day when you're listening to music. Songs that make you feel hopeful and happy. There's so many millions of songs out there, keep exploring till you find a playlist that inspires you.

Functioning on a small amount of sleep and not eating can have a huge negative effect on both your physical and mental health. I understand that when you're feeling really low, that eating seems pointless, but it's actually quite important and could make you feel a little better. Even if you aren't real hungry, try forming a daily habit of eating healthy, nutritious meals with lots of protein. Keeping fruits and vegetables to snack on is a good idea if you want something quick and simple. As for your sleep, do you know what's causing you to not be able to sleep? Is it struggling with feelings, thoughts or just not being able to fall asleep? Taking steps to get yourself in a relaxed state before bed might help. Write down your thoughts, feelings and tell yourself that you don't have to face that right now, it can wait till tomorrow. And maybe read a boring book with a chamomile tea till you feel sleepy enough? Melatonin is a natural sleep-aid that isn't addictive, it may help but ask your doctor first before you decide to try it.

You seem quite worried about your friend. Do you have a way to contact him? Through mail, phone, email, text or website? I hope he's okay and you two can talk soon. You mentioned that you're trying to occupy yourself with hobbies? That's really great! But if they're making you feel low instead, then do you think it would help to explore new hobbies and expand your interests? There's all sorts of different hobbies to immerse yourself in and so many new things to learn. Video games, reading, drawing, painting, jigsaw puzzles, photography, story-writing, gardening etc. Having ways to vent out your thoughts, emotions and things going on in your life could be very therapeutic as well. You can keep a journal to do so in, or even start a blog here! On the note of therapeutic things, do you have a pet? Pets can be wonderful to have around and can give you lots of happiness. Plus, if you feel as you can manage a pet, having a new addition to the family to take care of and that depends on you could help you cope.

As for your family, they may want to believe you're better and are closing themselves off to the possibility that you're still struggling to protect themselves in a way. They obviously cared for you a lot to try and get you help in the first place, so they might be afraid to admit to themselves that you're still dealing with these problems. But I completely understand how the way they're reacting would be really frustrating and make you feel the way you do. It would for anyone. Which is why it's important to get it across to them in any possible way what you're feeling and what you're going through. Write it down on a note, or sit down with them when they aren't too busy and have a heartfelt conversation. Share how you feel, that you're feeling awful, that you aren't better and that you feel as they aren't listening. That you feel like you have to act better even if you aren't. Having a calm, respectful and explanatory discussion could be very effective.

At this point, I really believe it would be a good idea for you to see a psychiatrist. Understandably you seem to be extremely affected by the way you're feeling and your thoughts in general. Would you be open to seeing a psychiatrist? I realize it may feel scary, but it could really help. However, it's important that you remain patient till you find a psychiatrist that you feel comfortable with so that you feel you can be completely honest about your true thoughts and emotions.

For help, here's a list of hotlines you may be interested in. In the meantime, keep holding on because even though you've been feeling this way for awhile, life is full of change and that allows the possibility for things to change for the better. Nothing stays the same forever, nor will all the sadness you're experiencing. Personally, I believe the difficult times we go through make us stronger, wiser and gives us the ability to have more compassion for others, along with potentially helping others because we were once in their shoes. Nonetheless, while I haven't felt the way you do, I can tell you're having a really hard time coping anymore so I just want to remind you to keep holding on, and also that there's a lot more to life than this. You're only fifteen and the future is bound to hold lots of wonderful things, so in the meantime, focus on you, okay? Focus on recovery and all that you want out of life. You can do this, you're stronger than you think.

I'm very sorry this reply is so long, but I hope I helped you in someway. Message me if you'd like someone to talk to. Stay strong.
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birthday, happy

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