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Sarahbeth0227 Offline
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Alone and in pain - August 1st 2015, 05:29 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So if you've read my post on Death and Grieving, than you most likely know why I'm here.
I had a friend pass away this past April. My mind has been accepting the fact that he's gone on and off. So one minute I'm crying my eyes out and the next I'm in denial. It's been killing me knowing that his heart stopped while mine continued to beat. They spread his ashes at the beach this past Saturday. His parents reached out to me and my other friend Jaeden who visited him in the hospital and said we could write something for them to share. My mom talked to my Jaeden's mom and found out that Jaeden has been doing better ever since Saturday. Apparently what Jaeden wrote acted as her closure. She's learned to accept it and move on. But now I feel so alone. Jaeden was the one I turned to when I needed someone because she understood me, and now that she's doing better, I don't know what to do.
Whenever I take Tylenol if I have a headache, I always stare at the bottle and find myself thinking that just a couple extra pills could end this pain and loneliness. Just a stab of a steak knife could set me free.
But then I think about my other friends and my family. I can't bare to leave them, but at the same time I can't live with this pain. Everytime I really think of him, I feel like my chest is being crushed.
I want it all to end.
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Re: Alone and in pain - August 2nd 2015, 08:31 AM

Hey, Sarah.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I know you've been having such a hard time since the loss of your friend.

The fact that your friend is doing a little better is great but that won't make her understand what you're going through any less because she apparently understood before and her past experiences haven't changed. I'm sure she wouldn't mind supporting you if you were to tell her you're still struggling. Don't be afraid to reach out to anyone in your life, okay? You shouldn't go through this alone and I imagine they'd be happy to help you with this. Would it help to reach out to his parents? Obviously they must be hurting so badly upon losing their son, and maybe it would be comforting to share to them how much you cared for him and the effect losing him has had on you.

Since I haven't been through what you have, I'm not going to say I understand but I can sympathize to the best of my abilities and I already see you're hurting a lot. But I do want to encourage you to keep holding on, Sarah. Because even though this is a really awful thing for you to go through especially at such a young age, I do believe there'll come a time when you feel happy again as pain doesn't last forever. Not by forgetting your friend, no, he's always in your memory and heart, but by knowing he'd want you to live your life and be happy, you know? You obviously care a lot for people as you cared so much for him so live for the future and all the people that'll come into your life making it a much happier experience and for the people who are in your life that love you very much. Along with that, live for you. For your hopes and dreams. Make goals and plan what you want in life to work towards so that you know you're working towards something important to you.

Not sure if this was much help but I hope it was. Message me if you need anything, okay? Take care, Sarah. You can do this. Stay strong and keep holding on.
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Palmolive Offline
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Re: Alone and in pain - August 2nd 2015, 11:05 AM

Hi there Sarah,

It is great your friend is doing better but know that we all grieve in different ways. Sometimes some of us tend to move on quicker (even though I think there's always a part of us left with the person who has passes from us) and sometimes it takes others longer to grieve. I'll tell you the last march, one of my best friends died by suicide and I saw a lot of it happen. It was very hard and I am still grieving now. Back then I was crying all of the time, resorted to bad behaviours, slept constantly, screamed, had nightmares, and it was horrible. I still cry now, and I still get upset, I still blame myself but the pain has eased and it does get easier. Not better but easier. Losing someone close to you is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through you know? And as hard as it is, you can get through this and just because your friend seems to be doing better doesn't mean you are alone. Talk to them because remember they have been there and on some days they may still be in that place, you just might not see it.

You have a life that is worth living. When you take tablets for pain relief and you get those horrible daunting thoughts, verbalise a fight back. Stand and say no, I don't need this and my friend wouldn't want this for me and I am stronger than this. My CPN told me to start talking out loud to the thoughts in my head and to the voices I head when they tell me to do bad things and it actually helps sometimes and I hope it helps you too. But know you aren't alone in this and in time it will get easier and better for you.

Please know that we're here to support you. Whether you want to rant, talk or need a distraction or support, you are not alone in this and we'll do our best to help you in what ever way we can. You're more than welcome to shoot me a message if you need to okay? I can't say that I will understand but I can relate to what you are going through and I'll do anything I can to help you.

Stay strong and keep fighting Sarah, you can do this and you are worth more than those thoughts,

"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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