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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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alexandrish Offline
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Name: iris
Age: 28
Gender: Female

Posts: 71
Join Date: February 17th 2011

I need someone - September 6th 2015, 03:31 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It's been a while since I log in to this site

I am truly depressed, and I just wish I get into an accident or just don't wake up at all
I lost my grandma, the best thing that I ever had. I flunked my study and I don't have anyone that truly interested in talking to me.

It started when a friend of mine posted this on her tumblr "broken home child has more psychological pain than everyone, including those who were left by dead" after my grandma died
I don't know why she posted it and I told her that she shouldn't said that. She never has no one dying next to her. But she was all "you don't understand me! What do you know about my father and mother fighting all the time?"
Being in the house that almost wrecked by divorced, I know how painful it was for the "broken home" child.
I ended up telling her "then come to me when you son die, tell me which one is more painful?"
She is the second degree friend and I regret nothing saying that to her

I am alone most of my life. I have good (now ex) relationship. Good friends
But there is something inside me that feels "empty"
Like I am searching for meaning about what I should do for my life and how do I do that?

I need someone that can understand that I still feel the loneliness inside me. Someone that truly want to just grab me from whatever hole I am in right now and pull me out
But how can someone do that when they look at me disgustingly? Yes I am big and fat. Yes I am not cute and easily impressed and has a very "dark" aura
But I don't want people to scrunched their nose when they look at me or people not taking picture with me because "I will look small next to you"
I FREAKING LOOK LIKE A GIANT IN GROUP PICTURE AND I AM FINE WITH IT! WHY CAN'T YOU BE "FINE" WITH BEING SMALLER?

I can't stand living like this anymore! Even a robot has a meaningful life, having their purpose to do things before they ran out of time
My life is worse than a robot. This feels very empty and I am at the end of my limit


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"Love me or hate me, both are in my favor…If you love me, I'll always be in your heart…If you hate me, I'll always be in your mind."
— William Shakespeare
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Re: I need someone - September 6th 2015, 09:11 PM

Hey, Iris.

Even though you haven't logged in so log, I'm glad you still decided to reach out. You should be able to talk about things going on in your life. I hope writing some of that out helped but I'm still really sorry about what you've been through. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to lose your grandmother. You two were probably really close, weren't you? I believe she's in Heaven and smiling down on you because she's proud of you and knows you're got a lot of strength and potential.

Some people get into a habit of comparing their problems, whether it be thinking their problems are too small to get help for or by putting others down because their problems are "bigger". The thing is, everyone struggles, everyone has problems and tough feelings/life events to get through at some point. And it all affects us to some extent which makes all the problems we face matter all the same. That's why I also find it hurtful that your friend said what she did. She obviously deals with a lot of hurt with the way things are at home but dealing with a loss must be extremely difficult as well and it sounds like she doesn't understand.

You know, a lot of people have self esteem issues due to the image of what women and men are "supposed" to look like thanks to the media's unrealistic standards. Regardless, you matter just as much as everyone else does regardless of your weight, of anything. Which is why I feel it's really wrong that people won't take pictures with you sometimes because it makes them look "small". That's really hurtful. I'm glad you are able to be accepting towards yourself though. Keep that up because being content with yourself is what matters at the end of the day.

Have you spoken to your friends about these things and expressed your feelings about how it hurts when they compare problems and not take pictures with you? You could explain politely that you know she goes through a lot too, but it's unfair to pretend like you aren't going through anything. Along with that, do you think it would help to branch out and introduce new friends into your life? Hopefully friends who don't compare problems and respect you and are kind based on who you are, not how you look. Other than your friends, is there anyone you can lean on for support and guidance? Such as your parents or family members? On that note, is therapy something you would consider? It might be beneficial for helping you work through the grieving process along with helping you find ways to cope.

What might help is to change your life up a bit. You can do this in small ways to make the atmosphere different. By changing the curtains in your house, moving furniture, putting down rugs/new carpet. When everything stays the same, it can begin to "remind" you of depression which is why it might be helpful to make things feel fresh in the environments you spend a lot of time in. I also suggest going for daily walks in the sun because sun releases endorphins which can help you feel better and moderate exercise does too. Overall, just make sure you're taking care of yourself, okay? That matters a lot. Maybe it might help to start a garden also? If your grandmother was interested in flowers and such, you could start a little garden of her favorite flowers in memory of her. Watering and watching after the flowers might be therapeutic in a way. Another thing I recommend is to keep a journal to write down any thought, feeling and events that happen. Writing things down and getting things off your chest can be therapeutic and prevent you from bottling everything up. Along with that, it might also help to distract yourself with hobbies you enjoy. Particularly hobbies that allow you to express yourself like music, creative writing, art, crafts etc.

Having a meaning to life is important. Everyone needs some sort of purpose, something to motivate them. Thing is, you got to remember that at some points it's okay to not be working towards something. This just means you should stop and enjoy things, you know? Simple happiness. However, I thought I would ask: what do you enjoy doing? Is there a specific hobby or plural; hobbies, that you feel passionate towards? That could be a first step. You could perhaps turn a hobby you enjoy into a career path. For example, some people enjoy creative writing or photography as a hobby to do in their spare time but both of those can become a profession. Secondly, how about making goals? Making plans for what you want in your future (it can be big and small goals) and creating a list of reasons to live, a list of moments you want to experience, places you want to visit/see etc. The question is, what do you want in your life? You can go for it, little by little whenever faced with the opportunity. Shape your future how you want it, Iris. You might find it helpful to you, to help others out also. Such as volunteering for example.

True, a robot has a purpose but robots still malfunction before they get certain jobs done and you know what else they don't have? A soul, thoughts, and feelings. Even though we all experience a lot of sadness and other negative feelings at some points in our lives, the ability to feel is still an amazing thing and without it, compassion, understanding, happiness, appreciation and love wouldn't be possible. Even though you feel empty right now, you won't always feel that way, okay? I can't tell you when things will get better because I have no idea. But I want to encourage you to keep holding on to experience the brighter days that are surely ahead.

Not sure if this helped but I hope it did. I also hope you feel better soon. Just let yourself feel and go through the emotions that come. I imagine this is hard for you but just hold on because you can get through this. I wish you the best of luck with things and of course, you're welcome to continue reaching out here, Iris. Take care and stay strong.
   
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