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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 21st 2016, 01:31 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

If i die by health causes such as a heart attack or cancer, no one would feel guilty. Even if i let her know how bad I felt, she calls it "emotional blackmail " .. so fine. I'll die in a way that won't be seen as suicide. She won't even know that I died.

So I'm worsening my health on purpose in order to die earlier. I've been eating fried chicken and unhealthy stuff to die earlier. I've been eating kfc for roughly 12 day in a row now. Today will make it 13. The heart attack can't come soon enough.

I'm trying to stay strong, but its hard. She was my savior, but she left as quickly as she came.

If someone else can save me that way.. then perhaps my expiry date won't be two weeks ago.

I'm trying to fight it as hard as I can and my brain wants me to live,

but my heart wants to die.

And the heart usually wins... I would say that I'm in deep, deep trouble this time. I don't know what to do now. Regardless, if anyone else needs me as a friend, feel free to talk to me anytime. I'll help you guys out while I can. The good news is that this method of death takes some time as you can't get cancer or heart attack overnight. There might still be time if things miraculously get better, but they'll need to get a LOT better.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



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As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.

Last edited by Green Yoshi; July 21st 2016 at 01:53 AM.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 21st 2016, 02:53 AM

I know how hard depression and suicidal stuff is to fight, but you are strong enough to do this. The sad thing about it is that we can't rely on one person or one thing to get us through it. Everyone is human and no one is perfect. I'm glad you found someone to lean on, but it doesn't sound like she's available for that at the moment. Everyone has their limits of what they're willing and able to handle. Please don't do anything to harm yourself on purpose or to get back at someone who can't give you what you need right now. Nothing good comes from that. Depression comes in waves, most people don't feel this way forever. You'll start to feel okay again even if you don't think you ever will. You've done it before and you can do it again. I hope this helped at least a little.


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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 21st 2016, 03:15 AM

That helped, thanks Well, we shall see how things go. For now, the immediate danger is gone.. but there's some sort of emptiness in me that won't go away. I wasn't doing this to get back at her.She's a special person to me, and she always will be. I was sort of doing this to escape from life, because at two weeks ago.. i really really felt like dying.

When there is no reason to live, the only choice left is death.

That was how I thought about things two weeks ago.. well , things are a bit better now, but it still needs some improvement. For now, I'm safe.

Thanks Katie, it means a lot.

Edit: I don't know anymore.Living seems difficult, but dying will cause a lot of sadness to those around me. What should i do?

Sigh... I think that I'm a curse, and i hope that someone kills me.Or a heart attack. Or whatever. I don't know if there's hope for me. But hopefully , I'll be able to make someone else happy


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.

Last edited by Green Yoshi; July 21st 2016 at 08:44 AM.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 21st 2016, 11:21 AM

Hey carwithnogas,

My question for you is, the person who told you that you were "emotionally blackmailing" them, was that the same girl you were talking about this entire time or was that someone else? I think it's important to talk to someone else about this because if this girl does not want to speak to you anymore that's her choice. Even if it seems a certain way right now with how she left you and we can sit here and hope she comes to an understanding and decides to talk to you again, but it is still important to respect her space. It also seems that the way things were worded may have gotten her upset. If you linked your suicidality and hurting yourself to her choice to not speak to you, then that can be upsetting. And while that may be true for you that's how bad you feel, telling her that puts a lot of pressure because she wants to keep her choice of not talking to her but now there's a fear for your safety. That's a very tough situation to be in. And while I understand where you're coming from, you're in a lot of pain right now and it's hard to see beyond that, if you did say certain things to her, that may have been why she's calling it that.

You still deserve support and to be listened to which is what Teenhelp is for. I just don't think it's the best thing to tell this girl about all of this because she's the one involved. Sometimes it's important to have that third party to help you make sense of things before you go to speak to her, if you want to. But try to only speak to her once you've healed a bit more. From what I'm seeing here, you're not ready to for the possible outcomes that come with speaking to her.

I know it's hard right now but try surrounding yourself around people who currently care and are actively engaged in supporting you. The friend who you've had this conflict with does not seem like she's currently there to do that. She may be dealing with her own emotions, and that means she's stepping back to take care of herself and make sense of things. It's like how that saying goes about putting your own oxygen mask before you help someone else.

It's not a reason to die though. You deserve to live happy and healthy. I am sad to hear you're struggling this much.

I just hope I don't sound too harsh. I care about you and want the best for you. I don't think you should stay silent about how you feel either. I just dont think this girl is the best person to tell right now. And I can understand how hard it is to come to terms with that because she sounds like she's been supportive to you all along.

I've been on both sides of this situation. I've been where you were-feeling suicidal over someone who rejected me. I've also been on the other side. Both are really difficult situations. I hope you stick around so you'll learn and grow from this experience. It takes courage to keep going when things are this bad, but I know you have it in you to take up this challenge.

Last edited by ~Radio Flyer~; July 21st 2016 at 11:51 AM.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 21st 2016, 12:38 PM

its the same girl. I understand how tough things are, and to be honest... yeah she was the one who pretty much saved me from killing myself a few years ago by being nice and offering me companionship. But ... alas, I guess I'm not in the best situation right now.. and to be honest, right now no one else in real life besides her knows about this situation. I think she's dealing with her own emotions and I do think that it might be time for me to die .. it might also be time for me to not die.

I understand her situation too , and I hope that eventually we might be besties again. Her coming into my life pretty much saved me from croaking three years ago, otherwise I might have ended up dying earlier.

I don't know what's going to happen now, and if i die, then I die. If I live, then I live. She was supportive and nice all along and she's an angel Nothing else I can say bout her.. she just is.

But whatever happens... I hope that the people here will remember me when I disappear.

The problem is life for me was already this hard two years ago, and I was already about to die. Then she came in.. and made things better, and then well.. yeah what just happened .. happened.

If i die, then I wish her nothing but the best ^^ I want her to be happy. I don't know whats going to happen to me now. Well, I really , really can't predict what I'm going to do next anymore.. After suffering through times of loneliness and abandonment, being made to feel like that again really is the last straw. Someone told me that " this is a hurdle that someone up there wants me to surpass before gifting me an event filled with true happiness " .. unfortunately, the person up there miscalculated. This hurdle is too much for me. My heart is dead and my body might soon follow.

Only the fact that there are some people who will feel sad because of my departure keeps me here. That means now I just survive for the sake of not letting other people feel guilty. I already have one foot in the grave. But I will let you guys know before I try anything... final, though.

Things might get better, but we shall see how it goes. I've some arrangements with peeps, though. Lets see how those work out.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.

Last edited by Green Yoshi; July 21st 2016 at 04:09 PM.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 21st 2016, 09:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Yoshi View Post
If i die by health causes such as a heart attack or cancer, no one would feel guilty. Even if i let her know how bad I felt, she calls it "emotional blackmail " .. so fine. I'll die in a way that won't be seen as suicide. She won't even know that I died.

So I'm worsening my health on purpose in order to die earlier. I've been eating fried chicken and unhealthy stuff to die earlier. I've been eating kfc for roughly 12 day in a row now. Today will make it 13. The heart attack can't come soon enough.

I'm trying to stay strong, but its hard. She was my savior, but she left as quickly as she came.

If someone else can save me that way.. then perhaps my expiry date won't be two weeks ago.

I'm trying to fight it as hard as I can and my brain wants me to live,

but my heart wants to die.

And the heart usually wins... I would say that I'm in deep, deep trouble this time. I don't know what to do now. Regardless, if anyone else needs me as a friend, feel free to talk to me anytime. I'll help you guys out while I can. The good news is that this method of death takes some time as you can't get cancer or heart attack overnight. There might still be time if things miraculously get better, but they'll need to get a LOT better.
Hey <3
You will be fine. It's so hard right now. The only way out seems like death. But it's not an option. You will die and I will die but that needs to be SO FAR AWAY. You were put on this earth for a purpose. My friend and me are not allowed to see each other because I hurt myself. And her parents don't want me around her because of that. So we drifted apart. She's my best friend and it freaking kills me not to see her. I feel like such a horrible person because of it. But I know that is not a reason to kill my self. Just like your situation is not reason too. You'll get better. It'll get easier. It has too. Don't self destruct on me. I believe in you. Your life has a purpose don't take that away from the world we can't live with out it


Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. ~Oscar Wilde.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 22nd 2016, 12:44 AM

Thanks Kaliope. Well... I think that you are a stronger person than I am, and I don't know whether I can beat it this time. Its a little tough now..

I think that you should be allowed to be together with your best friend, and that you should smile and be happy.

Well.. stay happy, no matter what. I feel as if death is an escape, but I cant enjoy a quick one... I get the feeling that I was put on this world to suffer.. I don't know why else will i go through so much.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 22nd 2016, 02:17 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Yoshi View Post
Thanks Kaliope. Well... I think that you are a stronger person than I am, and I don't know whether I can beat it this time. Its a little tough now..

I think that you should be allowed to be together with your best friend, and that you should smile and be happy.

Well.. stay happy, no matter what. I feel as if death is an escape, but I cant enjoy a quick one... I get the feeling that I was put on this world to suffer.. I don't know why else will i go through so much.
I'm not strong. I've had suicide attempts because of it. It's not easy. You and I both know it's tough. But we have to get through it. We need to say come on world we conquered you when you threw everything at us! You know I feel the same exact way. I literally just told someone that I feel like I was put on this earth to die. I understand. But it's not the truth. We don't understand why we're going through this. It's not fair. Life is fucking unfair and it frustrates me. Because all you great people shouldn't suffer! I know it's hard but you have to keep going. I believe in you. I need you. Please stay. It's going to be hard and your going to not want to do it. But force yourself to stay. Please


Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. ~Oscar Wilde.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 22nd 2016, 03:38 AM

We shall see... I sort of feel as if I was just born to make people happy, and die after that. Perhaps like a cicada.. they just bring beauty to earth for a moment, and then we die off really quickly.

I'll try to make things better, but I wont lie when I say that this is really, really tough at the moment. I'll do my very best to survive, though.

Thanks. Your support means so much. Just know that I'm here for you too.

I don't believe in miracles, and I think that it'll be a little tough, so if I stop replying... you guys probably know what has happened.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.

Last edited by Green Yoshi; July 22nd 2016 at 08:18 AM.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 22nd 2016, 04:31 PM

things WILL get better for u i promise. that still technically would be suicide even if no one sees it that way. u r doing that to puposly harm ur body which means its self harm. and if u die by self harm then its technically suicide and in this case, ur trying to die... 'by natural causes'. its just a diff method of suicide that takes longer.
but no one would probably know u did it on purpose.

please dont do this though. itd be such a painful way to die since id make urself really sick and unhealthy then live with that for yrs until u die. but in yrs. everything would probably be better.

my grandma was obese and she started eating so badly sooooo many yrs ago. and she just died at age 80 or 85. so it definitely takes more time than its worth. also my gma died from cancer that took yrs to get and she survived a whole yr with it. but she mostly died from the old age factor.

im not saying actual suicide is a better option but im saying that this WILL get better. i promise. just hang in there. stay strong for all of us.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 22nd 2016, 04:39 PM

I'll try. the problem is right now, i feel a little down but I might just be able to make it. I'm sorta living on the knife's edge, though. That's the thing.. if i die by heart attack or cancer no one especially my family or her would know that I really wanted to do it on my own.

I'll do my best. There's a chance that I'll halt my "heart attack " diet. things will need to improve, but I might know how to improve things.

Thanks cheyenne What you said to me means a lot.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 22nd 2016, 07:38 PM

No problem carwithnogas. u deserve the best.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 22nd 2016, 07:46 PM

I actually be a Darrens. You deserve the best too!

Edit : I now know that I might not have a happy ending to my life : I'm not sure if my determination will last: But I'm going to dedicate a lot of my time on here to help people.

Even if I'm kinda sorta doomed / cursed, perhaps I can help other people know what its like to be truly happy. This is the last mission that i'll undertake in my life.

I hope that I'll be able to make people smile. I promise you that I'm safe now, but I'm sorta kinda living life with no real purpose: Death is just harder because I cant bring me to kill myself when it'll wound my family members and a few precious close friends.

I'll be around whether I like it or not , I guess. But I just hope that life gives me an unexpected gift of happiness.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.

Last edited by Green Yoshi; July 23rd 2016 at 01:36 PM.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 23rd 2016, 02:31 PM

i know ull find happiness one day. even if its a month from now. just hang on, ull see.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 23rd 2016, 02:32 PM

i hope so, because I can't wait too much longer. It's definitely more than a bit tough, but I still got some determination in me. Thanks cheyenne.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 23rd 2016, 03:54 PM

No problem. just gotta keep fighting for ur happiness in life. everything worth having is worth fighting for. hey, i just wrote a quote. no i think thats been said before. but its so true.
i know that from experience. stay strong. stand stronger than depression so it wont have the power to take u down. hey thats nother cool quote for u.
ur worth so much more than saddness so just keep on holding on. fight for it.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 23rd 2016, 04:03 PM

I'll try to fight for it. I've been kinda hurt quite badly, but I might be able to overcome it too. I know that happiness is worth fighting for. I'll try to improve things.. and I wanna thank ya.

You helped me out a lot. I'll remember that quote and I hope that I'll be able to pass that around one day.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 23rd 2016, 06:34 PM

thank you soooo much. that means a lot.
and u are soooo welcome. im always glad to help! ;D
   
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Re: A solution that wont make anyone feel guilty. - July 24th 2016, 01:27 AM

No biggie. Well, I'll be around for you too. You deserve much better than me.. so I hope that you don't repeat the mistake I did. I've nearly died because of it, and I'm not sure whether it'll happen again. I just hope that you only experience happy days.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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