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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lageris Offline
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Name: Evaldas
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Location: Lithuania

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Join Date: September 8th 2016

Unhappy A lot of things in one thread, making me consider suicide. - September 8th 2016, 05:19 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Alright.. Here goes.
My parents (mom and step father, I don't really consider my step-father as a part of my parents. In fact, I hate him.) are kind of strict or something. Every time I make a clumsy mistake or something similiar, for example, accidently drop a glass of water, my mother would burst out in this "hate". She would call me cruel things like: (translated to english) dickhead, worthless piece of shit, a bitch (which makes no sense in english, but in Lithuanian/Polish/Russian, it kind of does.), and more, including "педерастии" (pyderas) which, is an offensive word to gays and what not. She doesn't really know, i'm bisexual. To be honest, i'm scared to tell her. At around 10-13 I was being hit by her a lot - she doesn't hit me anymore, it stopped. Anyways, these words really made (and still make) my heart just want to stop. If I get a bad grade = that's a punishment. She either takes my phone away, or my charger. Little does she even know, I have literally 0 friends, after we moved to this small town/village. She thinks I have a lot of friends, a friend cycle or something. I always look so happy, while in reality, my happiness is just a mask to cover up my depression and tears.
At school, I always walk in hallways alone, I'm lonely. I sometimes wish I had atleast one TRUE friend. A friend that wouldn't hang out with me at school (he doesn't even talk to me anymore), and when i'm not around, someone that wouldn't make fun of my appearance, about how I have no friends, and a bunch of lies that literally embarass me. Getting beaten up by school mates was common for me - basically just because I came from the other side of the country and I have a different accent. I've been talking with my mother - she tried to do something, but it didn't help. Every day I'm getting embarassed, by my classmates, and ect. I even sit alone in lessons.
Back to the getting my phone confiscated part -
She doesn't know, that social media is the only place where I feel a bit of happiness, mainly roleplaying on twitter - it makes me feel like a different person there. I've tried telling my mother, but she could care less. Every day I keep feeling like trash and worthless, I basically have no one there for me.
I have recently began to self harm, it kind of makes me feel an "orgasm". I already have 13 cut marks on my arm. I have to hide it from my mother too. I'm scared, that she would find that out, and consequences would be more tragic for me.
Another thing, I just hate the way I look. My nose makes me look extra ugly. I have big nostrils - similiar to africans. My wavy hair, doesn't let me have a good hairstyle, that would make me look at least a bit good. My mother doesn't even let me grow my hair, - she thinks I'd look like an animal with a fringe.... I don't even know. I hate myself and I feel like I want to die.
That's it, I guess. Sorry for the long thread - i just had to let it all out.


I WISH THE PAIN WOULD END.

Add me on snapchat: Eva1das
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Evaldas
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Re: A lot of things in one thread, making me consider suicide. - September 8th 2016, 08:04 PM

PS. I would appreciate if anyone would try to help. :/


I WISH THE PAIN WOULD END.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Ash
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Re: A lot of things in one thread, making me consider suicide. - September 8th 2016, 10:24 PM

First off I want to apologize for not seeing this post earlier, I would have responded.

I want to take a second to admire your strengths. You have been through a lot and still manage to function. You continue fighting. Wanna know why? You have the strength to continue going. I understand that right now you are feeling suicidal (I will address this in a later paragraph) but you coming on here and sharing your story proves that you want help, that some part of you wants to continue going. I admire that.

Now I want to address the situation with your mom and step-father. Your mother seems to be emotionally abusive with a past use of physical abuse (I am glad that she at LEAST stopped hitting you). I want you to know that just because she says something to you does not make it even close to being true. A bad grade on a test does not determine your worth. She is the one with an issue if she thinks it is okay to treat her child like that. I just want to make sure that you know your worth and do not base it on what she says.

Have you considered talking to a school counselor? With all of these issues going on at once (emotionally abusive mom, dealing with bullies, self-harming, suicidal thoughts, etc.) you are more acceptable to the suicidal thoughts and self-harm. A mental health professional has the tools necessary to help you cope with these situations as well as eliminate the triggers/risks. You do NOT deserve to feel this way. Your physical life is having a negative impact on your emotional self and unfortunately you have little-to-no control of these situations. Take back the control. If you report the bullies, speak out about your mom, and ultimately change the environment around you, you will see a change in your emotional well-being. This will also allow you to deal with your emotions rather than focusing on your mom, bullies, etc.

About your self-image, have you tried focusing on the things you like about yourself? For instance, I like your strength. I also like your determination. Beauty is only skin deep. I think that if you focused on the POSITIVE aspects of yourself you would start seeing the negative go away. I do not know what you look like but I do know that all humans are beautiful. I also know that most people struggle with this (myself included). My advice to you is every day to write down something that you did or something about yourself that you like. Just one thing. Over time you will accumulate many positive things about yourself.

As far as self-harming and suicidal thoughts go I will offer advice. 1. Write down a list of alternatives you can do INSTEAD of self-harming. For instance, read a book. Write a journal entry. Go on a walk. If I ever feel triggered I start doing something I enjoy to take my mind off the urge. 2. If you feel an intense urge to self-harm talk about it. Talk to a loved one or even go on here and talk about it. Get it out. Writing it out will also help. 3. If you have an intense urge to self-harm or have serious thoughts of suicide you can always call a hotline and talk to them. The call is anonymous and the volunteers are trained to help you. For self-harm you can also (instead of cutting, burning, etc.) grab some ice and put it on wherever you would self-harm. The ice will create a sensation on the skin without hurting you. You can also grab a red pen and mark wherever you would self-harm. I can assure you these methods work.

I want to emphasize how much keeping a journal can help. A journal allows you to release emotions in a healthy, productive way. It also allows you to keep track about what happened throughout the day, enabling you to identify what makes you feel sad/depressed and what your triggers are. This will also be very useful if (and I hope you do) seek professional help. It will allow the counselor/therapist to see what goes on without you having to explain everything again.

Once again, I'm sorry for the late response. If you have any questions/comments/concerns feel free to message me. If you need a friend or want to talk about something you are welcome to PM me anytime. I want you to know that life does get better and that your life is WORTH living.

Stay strong (I know you can do it),
Ash


   
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