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PorcelainDollAmethystEyes .
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Name: Kianna Libra Blue
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: The Mundane World.

Posts: 53
Join Date: October 7th 2011

Despite Everything... - September 9th 2016, 06:37 AM

I know it always seems like I'm beating a dead horse, always coming back to complain about this...state of being? Unfortunate mishap? Occurrence by a high powers design? I'm unsure.

A part of me feels like I need to apologize...yet a part of me feels better if I actually get my feelings out.

To put it simply despite it all. What I have managed to overcome and achieve, no matter how small it is...I'm depressed. Really, undeniably, depressed. It takes me several times and nearly a couple hours to pull my large ass out of bed. Force myself to get up and do things whether its professional or for leisure. All I want to do all day is lay on the couch and do absolutely, bloody, nothing. I'm either on the internet on my phone or computer, listening to music and avoiding people when its just me and I have nothing to do. I constantly strive to find distractions of all sorts, avoiding the dark parts of me at all times and pray that my mood stays pleasant.

I am fortunate because I have a roof over my head, a job to help pay rent, an interesting family despite how annoying and upsetting they can be, numerous dogs to play and work with, food to eat-simply, a life to live. Something, that which, I've come to realize that I do not want. If not for Mother, I would have never wanted to be born to this life, or any. This life-in all honesty-has no interest to me. Sure, there are amazing and plentiful things to do and accomplish. All in the end...I just don't care much anymore. If at all.

More often enough it takes a lot just communicate and make sense to others. My thoughts and mind are always an ever jumbled mess that never makes hardly any sense. Most people-other than said relative-don't really understand what I'm talking about. My brother usually mocks or gets irritated with me when I 'don't make sense'. My sister-in-law has to ask or have me repeat myself until she understands. And lately, I hardly want to be around them. There's been so much arguing and chaos...I'm sort of tired of the yelling.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes I consider hurting myself, or hurting someone else. So I turn away and lose myself in something distracting or productive, at least I try. It's been neigh impossible when I try and write. Permanent writer's block and what not.

Mom has recently realized how to...'help' me with my 'issues'. I have an appointment with a psychologist at the end of the month, with whom should hopefully find me someone who could 'help me'.

I honestly don't know...thanks for reading this.
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Chuuya Offline
I hate milk.
I can't get enough
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Name: Lauren
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Location: Here. Where else?

Posts: 2,082
Blog Entries: 207
Join Date: June 29th 2011

Re: Despite Everything... - September 11th 2016, 06:46 PM

Hi Kiana,

I'm sorry that you're struggling. I'm sure that you've heard something similar to this but I want to relay it again: Depression does not discriminate. And it certainly is in no way something you should apologize for. If anything, I am sorry that you're going through this day to day and struggling with little-to-no relief.

I do however think it's great that your mom has made some effort to help you with making an appointment with a psychologist. I really hope that with help from a professional that you can have some relief. I know for myself speaking with a professional and taking medication has helped me immensely, but again as I'm sure you know, depression affects different individuals differently and in a wide variety of ways. And that goes for treatments too. I do hope that seeking the help of a professional will help and I'll be thinking of you and if you ever want to talk about it - my inbox is open too.

I think it's good that you're trying to find ways of finding outlets and distracting yourself. My best advice is to keep on trying. Don't give up hope. And if you do feel like hurting yourself or someone else - call a hotline, use TeenHelp, or go to your nearest ER. Here is a list of some hotlines: Here

Please stay strong!

"You'll have to decide for yourself. Walk on your own. Move forward. You've got a strong pair of legs, Rose. You should get up and use them."
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Insomniac Offline
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Name: Ash
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Location: Colorado

Posts: 28
Join Date: September 7th 2016

Re: Despite Everything... - September 13th 2016, 09:35 PM

Hey there,

Lauren already gave you amazing advice but I wanted to mention one thing. You mentioned that your thoughts/words can come out wrong and I wanted to recommend using a journal. Many people are better at conveying their thoughts/feelings/emotions through writing and it always helps to be able to see your feelings on paper. Writing letters to loved ones will also help you better express your thoughts and feelings as well as make it easier for them to understand. Obviously this is just a suggestion, I know writing isn't for everyone but I wanted to offer the idea.

As Lauren has already said, don't apologize for feeling depressed. Depression is universal in the sense that it can derive from circumstances as well as chemical imbalances. I think it is great that your mom is getting you the professional help you deserve.

If you ever need anything feel free to PM me, depression sucks but there is no need to go through it alone.

Stay strong,

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