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tears fall as I hit the wall. I wanna die but I can't give up the fight. - September 23rd 2016, 03:10 AM

I'm slowly dying inside. I just have been feeling so depressed from emotional issues. I'm constantly cold from not eating enough and I don't know how to stand up for myself because I'm afraid of being judged or being rude about it. People are bullies and people just hate me. I feel like the whole school hates me and I just don't know what i did wrong. Everyone is avoiding me and the kindness they give me always seems forced.

I just want to go die. I can't do that though bc I need to be strong. It's only 7 pm right now but I'm so stressed and exauhsted that I'm ready for bed now. I don't wanna be here for the pain. I have no friends... Or at least ones at my school so I'm always lonely. I sit in the library at lunch doing research bc I've got nothing better to do. I just hate my life and myself and wish I could find a way out of the pain. I want to move passed these moments instead of giving up altogether but my first impulse is to leave. I want to get through this before it gets worse.

I'm getting a counselor next month but I think it's time right now bc my depression is not getting any better. If anything, it's getting worse. I just don't wanna miss school or soccer over it.

Please! Tell me that I'm not alone. I just need someone to talk to and I need someone to lift me up and I also need to stop depending on other people for happiness. But right now, I just need love from anyone at all, even if it's my own dog (just kidding I don't have dog).

Ps. I apologize for having two threads about this, I just tried going back to change the title but had to resubmit it. Staff, u can close the other one.
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Re: tears fall as I hit the wall. I wanna die but I can't give up the fight. - September 23rd 2016, 02:04 PM

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much with depression and suicidal thoughts. I just want you to know that your important and you matter, things might be hard right now and you might be lonely and so many other things, but won't be like that forever.

You say your going to be seeing a counsellor in a month, but maybe you can call and explain it's quite important you see them sooner and maybe you can be fit in sooner. If that's not possible, I would call a help line / hotline - I don't live in the US so I don't really know which ones are good (maybe someone else will respond and let you know, but idk).

And to answer your question, your absolutely not alone. I've never been suicidal, but I do have pretty bad anxiety and bouts of depression, it's been really hard and in the past I've just wished I would disappear and haven't always been so kind to myself. It's amazing how isolating depression and anxiety and other mental health things can be, but we aren't alone and it can get better.

If you need to talk, you can PM me

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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Re: tears fall as I hit the wall. I wanna die but I can't give up the fight. - September 23rd 2016, 06:16 PM

Thanks u so much Always *. I will see what I can do. I actually probably could get help right away but my mom has agreed to wait bc I wanna wait until soccer is over.
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