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Exclamation I can't do it, it's too unbearable - October 7th 2016, 06:08 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Last time I made this thread I didn't say much and I want to say more this time but I don't think I could. It's too much to talk about.

I'm constantly about to lose everyone at the same time. Why is life so scary?

I went to get a snack since I hadnt eaten much today. Saw my father looking at hotels. He is going to leave the country in December. He's going two countries so far. Traveling is not a bad thing. I want to be happy for him and he's at retirement age and he hadn't traveled outside the country for like 16 years. And him traveling for a short time would be scary but that's a little more bearable. However, according to him, he's not coming back to the USA.

I don't want to go through this. He told me to come look at hotels with him and I was like "no I dont want to" I dont want him to leave. I don't want him to run away from me like he's always been telling me he would and would do smaller versions of (leaving the entire day or being emotionally absent and blaming me for it) If even my own father doesn't want me, who will? I feel like a horrible disgusting person.

As emotionally unavailable as he was growing up until now, not having his physical presence is going to be 10x worse.

I can't stop crying. Losing one parent was enough.

This is just ONE thing that's going on right now.

But December is getting closer and closer and I'm just watching my worst fears being confirmed.

I keep telling myself, it's not like he was there for me so why should his physical presence matter but somehow it makes a difference to me. Being physically here means we can work on things. If I were to move out but still live in the same city as him, I'd maybe have that spatial distance that I need but can still see him and spend time with him.

I told myself, he's not a parental figure to me and never really have been on a consistent basis but he's someone I love and care about nonetheless. I've stopped expecting him to be a parent because I know now it won't happen. I sort of learned my lesson but it's really hard to accept sometimes and I have to catch myself.

But the possibility of forgiving and stuff was there and now it seems so out of reach.

I'm not even going to talk about anything else right now but it's all falling apart, really. Like I've been this way for way too long and dont think I can bear it anymore. Don't WANT to endure it, even if I "can". What's the point? So people can bounce into your life and then bounce out? Do I look like I am a tennis racquet that doesn't mind getting hit in the guts every now and again? Because if that's the impression, I have news for you. (talking to the stupid universe who must love punishing me)
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Re: I can't do it, it's too unbearable - October 7th 2016, 09:36 PM

Hello lovely.

I am so sorry about this. I can not begin to imagine how you are feeling. Thank you for coming to us here.

I don't have very much to say but just from reading through things you have posted before the relationship with your dad is very tough and to be honest rather negative for you. I know it's not this easy but maybe now would be a good time (I do want to clarify how old you are though) to move out and find your own little place and now build on YOUR life. Get the support you need from friends and professionals and even us here and do something you really enjoy. Study and find volunteer work and engage in hobbies. Lets put the focus back on you. I know its tough him leaving. But you are my priority in this. I want you to start to feel better and to be safe and to have a good life and maybe this is the opportunity for you to have a new fresh start. Does this make sense?

In the meantime, do things for you. Nice things like watching a good calm movie or listening to happy music, going for walks, writing things down, again volunteer work, play games, go out with people, get Christmas presents started, treat yourself, anything that is going to help you settle even if its reading for half an hour. And don't be alone. If you feel at risk, get yourself help even if its ringing a helpline. And remember we are always here. You are not alone and I honestly do believe in you. You're a lovely person and the world would not be the same with out you in it.

Stay strong. <3

"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: I can't do it, it's too unbearable - October 8th 2016, 06:45 PM

Thank you Jessie.
I'm 22 so I'm a legal adult. It is something I'm working on. But a slow process and i guess I'm getting impatient.
What you're saying makes a lot of sense. I just feel guiltyand worthless and that's weighing me down and not wanting to take care of myself. Because I feel like he is leaving because of me. Because I'm bad. Because there's something wrong with me. If I werent so horrible, he would stay. He wouldn't need to run away. He wouldn't tell me I'm causing him illnesses. He is leaving because I cause him illnesses. Or that's what he's saying. But what he is saying feels true. And how do I test whether what he says is true or not? If everyone is leaving me, then maybe that's evidence that *I'm* the problem here.

Yesterday I went to a group for lgbtq youth and it was nice. The social anxiety was there but I would rather sit through the social anxiety than to go home, so I stayed. I was walking last night, not knowing where I was going, not paying proper attention to cars because I was crying so much. But I managed to sit on a bench and call a hotline. But all she could do is try to get me to go back home since I don't have a friend to stay with and just try to bear it as confortsble as possibke. For a while i did, until my family were fighting and mentioning my name as if im the cause of it. I just sat in my room hugging my stuffed cat toy that i had since i was a toddler, as tight as i could while crying.

I can distract myself, but I wonder what's the point. If I know why, the how isn't as hard. i can think up ideas to get through the day if i have a purpose. And I somewhat do, but I'm doubting that my purpose is even viable for a worthless loser like myself.
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