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AnaBye Offline
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Suicide-Homeless-Sexual Assault-Hopeless - October 28th 2016, 12:57 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I rapidly got worse. I'm depressed, anxious, and not sure what else.
I've relapsed with self-harm. I absolutely hate myself and my life. I really don't know what I did this time to cause all of this. I realized that I was falling back but it happened so quickly.
I'm scared that I'm going to try and take my life again. Life is difficult. College is long and hard. Medical bills are adding up. My family does not want me. They only want me on my good days which is why I ended up homeless back in July.
I have to go speak at an event in November and am suppose to talk about how I got myself out of homelessness... but the reality is, I may have gotten myself out of being homeless but I sure in hell have not gotten myself out of this depressed crap.
I am faking all the time. I'm smiling more when I want to cry. I'm laughing harder when I just want to break down. I'm being a goof only to distract myself from the suicidal thoughts. It's difficult because I'm starting to reconsider ending everything.
I realize everyone has it worse. I also realize not many will believe me because I've been hospitalized 7 times. But, I have no crying out for help. I don't have it, don't want it. I just want to feel something other than this.
My mood is constantly going up and down. It's difficult because during the good times I get myself so involved that when I crash... I set myself up to fail.
I'm not sure if Bi-polar could be a problem but it's been spoken about in the past. I can't do mood stabilizers due to the side effects. I have recovered from Anorexia Nervosa. I'm at a 'healthy' weight. I already want to lose weight again. I want to restrict. I have been contemplating diet pills again even though I know in June Anorexia Nervosa almost killed me.
I just need to feel okay. Okay for a long time and not a short time. I need to not worry about medical bills and be able to get the right treatment that is affordable. I don't know what exactly is going on with me.
I know in March I ended up in the hospital with serotinin syndrome and the doctors were going to put me in a medical coma but I got through it all by being heavily medicated to help with the pain. April I was sexually assault after knowing this girl for maybe a month and 'talking' to her for maybe 2 weeks. I did not know what was happening.
In May a lot happened between her and I that I was just not ready for and she just did not understand. We broke up and I ended up extremely depressed because I did not know what to do with everything that was happening.
In May I decided I'd go to Florida and get treatment for Anorexia Nervosa. While there I got into a disagreement with my parents which ended up with me being sent back to where I was but this time... homeless. I was homeless for two weeks which is how I ended back up with my ex in the same house as her. She was mean and rude. But I was so naive and scared. I allowed her to do what she did with me while I told her "no" to somethings, she'd test those boundaries which created a lot of anxiety in my life.
This lasted until the end of August when I broke up with her because she became very mean and started hard drugs again. Then in September she began to harass me and I had to get police involved because it would not stop after she laid her hands on me.
In October there was a warrant for her arrest put out.
Now, I'm here. I'm depressed. Anxious, and want to die. I feel I am overreacting and that I should be fine because I have a roof above my head.
I've withdrawn from my friends, I'm contemplating on dropping out of school. I'm just scared. I dropped a class and now will not graduate when I wanted to. I miss my family but they don't want me during hardships.
I am scared because I know how i'd do it. Just right now, I am not brave enough because I know 100% that it will work. Which is kinda scary because there is a part of me that wants to live through this all but it's just so difficult.
It seems as days go on the day's are getting longer and harder making it more difficult for me. But once again, I smile because I can't allow everyone to see my weak side.
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Re: Suicide-Homeless-Sexual Assault-Hopeless - October 30th 2016, 06:47 AM

I am so so sorry for everything you have gone through. I want you to know that I understand how you feel and because of that I can tell you that you are not weak and that everyone else does not have it worse then you. We all have our battles but some of us have harder struggles then others. That just means that you are a warrior. You are strong. You have overcome far too much to stop now. I know it hurts, I know. I'm right there with you. School is killing me, I'm overwhelmed I've been sexually assaulted and abused for most of my lives. Even on my happiest days, I feel sadness overwhelm me and I fall apart. I was also homeless for a time, not legally living anywhere. If it wasn't for my significant other, I would have been homeless. Even now, everything I has comes from him and his family. I struggle with that daily, but I'm going to be okay. And so are you. We'll make it through. Please, if you ever need to talk to someone who understands PM me. I'll try to help and if I can't , I'll always listen.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

“It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.”

~Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
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