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~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

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Name: Violet
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i feel taken for granted, used, unloved, worthless - November 17th 2016, 05:48 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't want to hear how my family loves me deep down. Because you know something? It doesn't matter what a person feels or claims to feel or what is "natural" for a family to feel. I'm so tired of that rhetoric.

I've written drafts of blogs. I just ranted way too much and thought maybe it was too long. So I guess I will talk about things as brief as possible. Okay, tape 3:


1) today started out okay till I came home
2) my day got professivelt worse
3) my financial situation is very complicated
4) my cat needs a vet
a) I bought this to parent x's attention several times but he refuses to contribute in anyway. Even though cat x is the family cat.

8) I've noticed I'm seen as comforting, trust worthy, safe, warm etc which makes me feel like I'm doing something right but I also feel drained and want to be those things for people who like actually value me. Rather than expect it and treat me like trash at the same time.
9) being a safe person means people crossing my boundaries all the time and lashing out at me, then at some point they take back all those things they've said about me (ie: at first they say: I'm sensitive, good at helping others, they trust me with my life, I don't know what I would do without you, I feel so safe around you ---> turns into: you're insensitive, you're not trustworthy, you have horrible helping skills, you traumatize me, etc)
8) when does honest venting with some moments of passion turn into toxic, lashing out?
9) I feel so very alone and disconnected in this world
10) I want to die because I'm a problem. But I realized i m also in a lot of emotional pain and that plays a factor too.
Because sometimes theres more happening than the experience of being blamed and made out as a problem. There's all kinds of things that go on. Blaming isn't the only one. Sometimes it is the fact that I feel ignored. Sometimes I feel overworked and underappreciated. Sometimes there's unreasonable expectations that are imposed on me and I feel myself cracking under pressure. Sometimes it is the fact that I'm placed in this role of constantly receptive, open, listening, helping, doing for others, peacemaking, etc and resisting that tasks assigned to me within that role, and the reaction that others have is what hurts. That part of being the safe person is taking all this STUFF and being a stepping stone for others to build themselves up again and then leave the safe person (me)
But I have not been considered to be in someone's life in a meaningful way. I mean one/can argue providing for others is meaningful but the value isn't there. When you ask them, list your top 10 friends, I am not one of them but I have done the work of a friendship. I'm just the stepping stone friend, until balance with other relationships are restored. I'm the stabilizer, holding things up, watching from the sidelines.

and the people who do value me are also very stressed put. A close friend (scared to jinx that ) has been doing drugs and smoking and drinking alcohol. He works long hours at a restaurant. We don't hang out. His personality is similar to mine. He is the oldest of his siblings (I'm the second . Has a stressed out single parent like me. Has a complicated relationship of being a provider (in his case 3 of his sibs are minors), had to grow up too soon but is a child at heart. But he feels like he is losing his spirit. That's how I feel too and it is getting harder to respark eaxh others' light. We both feel terribly dim. But somehow still manage to light the way by others' demand
   
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