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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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msfsteven Offline
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Stuck in a small town - March 3rd 2017, 08:35 PM

I am literally stuck in a small town. I'm 21. Since high school started, I've been looking for someone to be with and since then I've only had 2 crappy relationships where they treated me like crap. I've been depressed since 15. I went to university for a year but I stopped going because I didn't know what to do and I was going to have to get loans. It made everything worse feeling like a failure. I've worked at a frozen yogurt place for a year, and I'm really statting to hate it. I want to leave so bad, but the rent for cities in bigger populations are what I make in a whole month, or more. Deducting food and other expenses, I'm nowhere near the amount. It would take me years just to save up for couple months of rent, and after that I would still have to find a job. I still can't find a better job where I am. Being gay in a small town, there's almost noone for me to date. Every day it gets harder, and all I want to do is kill myself. I've never wanted to live life, I've only done ot to make others happy, but that's not enough. Eventually I will do it anyway. The only thing that makes me feel better is weed, but even that won't stop the crying. I feel like that only way out of there is to just die.
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Re: Stuck in a small town - March 3rd 2017, 08:44 PM

are you getting therapy
   
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Re: Stuck in a small town - March 3rd 2017, 08:58 PM

which therapy are you referring to? i've had a few months, but they weren't helping. all they can tell you is to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. or to change your thinking. cognitive behavior therapy. that's it. how does that solve my problem of being stuck?
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Re: Stuck in a small town - March 3rd 2017, 09:09 PM

their are many different therapies if cbt was no good
   
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Re: Stuck in a small town - March 3rd 2017, 09:48 PM

Hey I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. My experiences are different than yours, but I know how quickly a small town with few opportunities can become really toxic and emotionally sapping.

I know you said therapy didn't work, it didn't work for me the first time either. I told my therapist about my ED and she asked me something like "why do you do this to yourself? Do you just like suffering?" Obviously the answer is no, if I could just be happy and not let my anxieties consume me life would be much easier but she never did her job to actually help me work through the thought process of the things that drive it. So yeah, some therapists suck. But as someone who's (miraculously) tried again can attest to, therapy is great. You can check out Psychology Today to find a therapist in your area and see who might work with you. Therapy is hard work and it can take a lot of time, but it's worth it.

Also, have you considered just taking 1 or 2 college courses? You could take medical terminology and work as a medical clerk, or you could do some other community college courses part time at a rate you can afford - lots of colleges offer distance opportunities and you can arrange to write an exam at your local high school or library with a proctor. This would help give you more opportunities to advance yourself and move somewhere you can be happier and healthier.

All in all everything will be ok. You just have to try to keep your head above water until things start clicking in place. I hope this helped.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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Re: Stuck in a small town - March 3rd 2017, 11:43 PM

I don't know what therapy you could possibly give me. I can't be happy with myself knowing that I don't have anything to contribute. I plan on taking classes in the fall, but that's a long ways. And it doesn't mean I'll find something to do. I'm still going to be stuck in 2 years. The more I go on, the more I get discouraged, the more I hate myself, the more I want to die. It's never got better. Ever. I'm ready to leave and I can't stop thinking about how it's going to affect others, there's no up until it's over.
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Re: Stuck in a small town - March 4th 2017, 03:36 AM

Hi Steven. I can understand why you are feeling trapped, especially if you are living in a small city, or for my case, a bad country.

>> I've been looking for someone to be with and since then I've only had 2 crappy relationships where they treated me like crap. I've been depressed since 15.

- They are the craps, not you. And those are incidents a few years ago so I hope you don't keep reminding yourself this and get depressed. They are people out there who deserves you as much you deserve them and will definitely not treat you like a crap. There are such people for you and its worth the time to wait.

>> I went to university for a year but I stopped going because I didn't know what to do and I was going to have to get loans. It made everything worse feeling like a failure.

- I am very sorry to hear this. I am worrying the same problem as well. If ever I want to go to university I will definitely need full scholarship or financial aid to study. I can't afford loans as well and its hard. I am so scared thinking about this...

But what I am very sure about is you are not a failure. Even if you had to use loans it means something in you. You know loans is going to be tough, but you still use it for uni, and this means you really tried to improve your situation. I respect your decisions. Even for me the idea of having loans is very scary and I might not go to uni if I need loans. But the fact that you did means I should try to be as flexible as you are.

Going to uni definitely help finding a job. I hope you dont give up on it. I really hope you can continue it.

>> I've worked at a frozen yogurt place for a year, and I'm really statting to hate it. I want to leave so bad,

- I dont have good experiences with this... sorry. But perhaps you will need to stay for a while untill you financially cleared the loans? Perhaps you can find another job after you clear some amount of debts, and probably you can even find a new job while still working for the old job untill you are accepted for a new one. Sorry if I sound stupid or offensive here.

>> Being gay in a small town, there's almost noone for me to date.

- First I must praise you for your courage to say this out. Actually being gay is nothing wrong, but there is still social pressures about it, and I am sure you felt it at times. But being able to say it out here means a lot that you are really certain about it and say it bravely.

I will try to be honest here. Maybe its a good idea to not actively look for a partner. What I felt that you really need is a person to listen and help you through your hard times. Maybe counsellor will be a good idea? Have you considered this option?

A partner will also have all these qualities. But if you find a partner just with the purpose to listen and help you, I think it might not be exactly a happy relationship either. Perhaps try to refill your life with works that makes you busy, then you might lessen the thoughts of finding one. And after all, when the time comes, your ideal one will appear to you in the right time. Don't worry.

>> The only thing that makes me feel better is weed, but even that won't stop the crying.

- Then do so! If weed can make you feel better, do it. There is no pressuring yourself to do other things when you are feeling horrible, and you should be doing things that make you feel better at this point. You can always postpone the work later after you feel better.

And do cry as well. I am sure you will feel better if you cry it out. It releases your emotional tension and sadness, so cry. It doesnt make you any weaker, and in fact you are stronger this way because you have full control of your emotions, including sadness. Remember that you are strong.

>> I feel like that only way out of there is to just die.

- Yes, this is how I feel as well. But you know what? You mustn't do it. There are people around you who care for you and needs you to be there, and there are responsibilities you need to take. Its very sad, but you just have to go through it.

Steven, you are not at all a failure. You are a very courageous person. You lived under very difficult circumstances. But you are stronger than the obstacles and you can jump over it. Sometimes when you think you are not given a chance, try to create the chance. Its cruel and painful. But sometimes you need to help yourself too.

And I want to tell you that you are not alone. You might need to help yourself at times, but when you feel bad you can always tell us. We are here to listen and help you. I myself is also worried about my future in my home country, and that's why I had to work very hard to get out of it. It's not likely for me that I can emigrate to other countries though, but at least I tried. I am sure you can do better than I do and you deserve a better life. Please don't give up and look for chances in your life.

Remember, you are not alone going through this. I, and everyone here are here for you.


Hope you feel better and positive about your life!

Best Regards,
Ivan


Do my best at everything I can to live a happy, perfect life.

Happy life won't come by being happy everyday. Struggle and always work hard.

Forgive other's imperfection, they will work hard about it once I point it out to them, just like what I should be doing.

On the other hand, never tolerate with my own mediocrity. Never slack and always strive improvement.

Never settle. Never give up.

Last edited by Thinking; March 4th 2017 at 04:07 AM.
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