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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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birthday gloom, jobless doom, suicide looms - April 3rd 2017, 02:45 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My birthday is in one week from now and I'm feeling so lonely and want to die before I turn 23 next week.*
Just now I went to the living room and asked my dad "what are we doing for my birthday?" Knowing full well my family didn't care about my birthday for years let alone ever, though when I was younger there was still some enthusiasm. He told me to leave him alone because he is reading an article on his phone and isn't planning anything. He screamed st me a few times earlier today. My other sister yelled at me several times. Last night I fell asleep crying while having an anxiety attack because I was resisting to not harm myself. I had such strong urges and fought so much with myself to stay safe. I don't even see the point now. If I don't matter then what's the point of being safe?
He made cookies today but he used ingredients that I specifically can't have from. The last few times he made cookies, he wouldn't make enough for me to have too. I just feel left out but I guess he isn't doing it to spite me, it is coincidence. Bit it happened multiple times in a row and along with his attitude towards me, I can't help but wonder if he is secretly angry at me for something as he usually does passive reactive things that hint out his emotions and I learned to pick up on the subtle cues. I will probably find out in a few days time what he is either stressed out by and is misdirecting his stress on me or he is specifically angry at me for something. I am trying to be as invisible as possible but I feel so isolated. And my efforts to socialize has been discouraged by my dad whether directly or indirectly.
But my whole life he pushes me away. Either he is sleeping, or he is busy doing things alone or he is busy doing things with my sisters. I am not in his equation. I am only there to be yelled at for having a messy room.*
He said in the past he either will never talk to me again and proceeds to give me silent treatment, or he says he doesn't like spending time with me and talks about how my sisters are likeable but I am not.*
He wouldn't even play chess with me anymore because I take too long to think about a move. He wouldn't go bike riding with me.*

When i get over the fact that my family isn't there for me and are unreliable and begin to move on, and start to try breaking my isolation, my father steps in and makes it really hard for me to socialize.
I put up a fight last time when he kept telling me I had to call up my friend and say I can't hang out with her. I was crying and said I'm upset with him. This was after i called and cancelled. His reaction was "I didnt force you to do anything, I was just stating my opinion."
But he was nagging on me till I did it and he was guilt tripping me till I did it and he kept rejecting me for "disobeying him" up until I obeyed him
It felt so much more than an opinion at the time though. He is also careful not to say certain things not becsuse they're hurtful but because in the past I told him that was abuse and j wish j didn't say that but I did during breakdowns and now he justifies everything he does with "before you start accusing me of child abuse" or he calls me "un-pretty" and then says "I didn't call you ugly"
I'm tired of playing his games

My depression often seems to be about my circumstances but I don't see things getting better if and when I move out. I imagine myself feeling emptyness and hopelessness regardless of what happy things may be waiting for me. I feel broken from the inside out and anything I experience whether good or bad will be perceived with a broken from the inside out heart and mind and spirit so I just don't see myself changing internally even if externally things do change. I just feel chronically stressed and overwhelmed. It is chronic and I don't know how to live like this. I just dread life more and more with every passing day.
I also can't get over the fact that I may never have a good relationship with my dad. I can work on myself night and day but he doesn't seem willing to do anything on his part. He does try with my other susters. I even find myself coaching him on how to communicate better or other parenting type things. He looks to me for that kind of stuff and for advice but that makes me like a third wheeler in a way except I'm the invisible hands holding up my entire family and i often feel invisible, unheard, unloved.
Ive tried venturing out and j just don't have the social skills and have trouble connecting and having close relationships. I find myself withdrawn when I am out with others outside of my home.

There's a lot of things happening in my life right now and my dad isn't there for any of it. But he sure is dedicated in delivering daily reminders about how much of a burden I am.

Last edited by ~Radio Flyer~; April 3rd 2017 at 03:07 PM.
   
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Re: birthday gloom, jobless doom, suicide looms - April 3rd 2017, 03:23 PM

I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I am even sorry that I won't able to offer good advice right now. Its hard to offer it when you are at the same state with the recipient...

But I want to tell you that you are loved. There is not even a single reason why you should be isolated and unloved. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to feel want to socialize but restricted. I think this is harder than feeling want to be isolated in my case.

And I cannot stress this enough. You are never a burden. You are never unwanted, unloved and unheard. You are so much more worthy that you can imagine. You are always always more than welcome to tell us your hardship. Most importantly we want to be your friends too! You might realize you are so much more likeable and loveable than you think!

I am sorry I can't help much. Partly because this was written for myself too and I can't bring myself to write anymore. But I really hope you can fight against your depression. We all are having hard times together and you are not alone. We can get through this together and I know you can do this.


Do my best at everything I can to live a happy, perfect life.

Happy life won't come by being happy everyday. Struggle and always work hard.

Forgive other's imperfection, they will work hard about it once I point it out to them, just like what I should be doing.

On the other hand, never tolerate with my own mediocrity. Never slack and always strive improvement.

Never settle. Never give up.
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Re: birthday gloom, jobless doom, suicide looms - April 3rd 2017, 08:14 PM

Hi, Susie bear!

I'm so sorry about what is going on. I know I say it often but I wish I was there. I would plan something for your birthday without a doubt because you deserve a wonderful birthday. I'm quite upset that your family doesn't seem to care about your birthday. You deserve to wake up to your dad holding a cake, and your sisters singing "happy birthday" to you. You deserve actions that make you feel loved and cared for. If your family isn't willing to put effort into your birthday, can you spend time with your friend? I know he lives a bit far away, but if you tell him it's your birthday and would like to spend a birthday evening together I bet he'd be more than happy to hang out with you. I want you to have a good day on your birthday.

That's unfair that you were yelled at by your dad and your sister last night. I can understand how the combination of it all would cause you to fall asleep crying - it would for anyone mostly. I'm proud of you for resisting the urge. I know it must be difficult to see the point when you are feeling this way, as if you don't matter. The thing is, you do matter, Susan. And resisting those urges was worth it because you're important and deserve to stay safe. The way your family treats you doesn't determine your worth even if it deeply feels like it does. How your family treats you reveals their true colors, not yours.

The fact that he made cookies but used ingredients you can't have, and other times he hasn't made enough for you to have any is upsetting. I can understand how it'd be confusing when he acts that way towards you. I would be too because it is like he is purposely excluding you from enjoying a family snack, and is treating you with attitude and anger rather than effectively communicating with you. If he is angry, it is up to him to tell you why. Have you asked him why he seems angry, and that you'd appreciate if he communicated with you more so you'd understand how he is feeling? I wish he would include you more in family activities and father-daughter bonding. Have you proposed a father-daughter day, just the two of you? Hopefully that would reduce the possibility of him saying he is busy, if it is a planned day every week. That's upsetting that he won't play Chess with you just because you take extra time thinking of what move you want. I know I take extra time thinking of what move. It is efficient to plan it out. Perhaps you could compromise, for example, instead of Chess, maybe play Monopoly or Life? Remember that this isn't your fault, okay?

The things he says to you sounds verbally abusive and upsetting, as well as controlling. If you aren't able to find support, enjoyment in family bonding, and encouragement from your family then I understand why you'd turn to socializing with friends and it's unfair that your dad made you cancel. Even if he didn't outright tell you to cancel, the guilt trip and constant nagging was basically a successful attempt to make you cancel without having to order you to do so which is unfair because you deserve to be able to socialize with other friends. I hope you continue socializing, because you're nearly 23 and deserve to have a circle of friends you can talk to and see. Your dad should be encouraging you to do things that add happiness to your life rather than control you, and remind you of your beauty and positive qualities rather than dance around an insult by saying you're "un-pretty." You most certainly are not ugly - you're beautiful, Susan. Don't forget that no matter what untruthful statement he lays out.

I can understand what you mean by the fact that you find yourself feeling emptiness and hopelessness even if you do move out. Love from family fills our heart and spirit, and when we don't have the support and love, bur rather mistreatment, it can lead us to feeling like we don't matter, and empty no matter where we go; whether we're with them or away from them because it doesn't change the broken relationship. However, there is always chances for relationship improvements but for now it could be good to keep your eye on taking care of yourself and socializing with others. I imagine it is difficult to socialize with the discouragement you have received but it could be good for you to ease out of your comfort zone and socialize with others more often. It would provide an additional place to go when things get stressful at home too, and friends to go to. You deserve support.

With the mistreatment you experience, I can see why you'd feel the way you do and I'm sorry you have to go through this. I just wanted to remind you that you're not a burden, and that you're worth it. You matter and are important, regardless of how your family treats you. You're such an amazing person and deserve support and love and care and friendship. You have that here, especially in me. I am really happy you are my friend and I'm always here for you, Susan. Let me know if there's anything I can do. Despite everything going on I sincerely hope you have a wonderful birthday. Take care and stay safe.
   
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Re: birthday gloom, jobless doom, suicide looms - April 4th 2017, 05:32 PM

Hi There,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. What your dad is doing to you is not okay and it is not your fault. It is a parents job to love, support and take care of their children no matter what and it sounds like you get none of that from your father, which is really sad.

It seems to me that he is basically a bully when it comes down to it, and that is not okay behavior for anybody, especially for an adult. I am sorry that he treats you like this but then treats your sisters well. I am curious if you guys have ever had a big falling out over anything, or if he has always been like this? As an example, when my mom found out that I self-harmed she began to degrade me and yell at me all of the time and our relationship was strained for years. I don't know if you guys have had a falling out of any sort that could be a cause for his behavior. (Even then his behavior is not okay).

I really hope that you make it to your 23rd birthday and if your family does not want to celebrate with you, I'm sorry. I will say, as you get older birthday's typically are more planned by you, but if you are trying to make plans with others, I would hope that they would be responsive of that. As another example, I'm turning 25 in June and I'm planning a vacation with my boyfriend. He's not really apart of the planning because birthday's as you get older to a lot of people are just another day. But he still respects the fact that I do enjoy celebrating and will come along with me and celebrate that way. Could you potentially figure out what you want to do and then invite people to join you? Maybe that friend you mentioned earlier in your post...

Speaking of friends. It does sound like you have a few but your dad also meddles in that as well. I know that's hard and you want to respect your dad, but at the end of the day, you're an adult and you can make your own choices. Your dad is not treating you with respect, he should be happy that you have friends. I would honestly suggest hanging out with them more often so that you can get out the toxic home environment that you seem to have. I know it's hard to stand up for ourselves but in the end we have to in order to achieve happiness sometimes.

You say that you think your depression is caused by circumstance, I could completely see why. I'm curious why you don't think it will be better once you move out? Getting away from a toxic environment can be so freeing and liberating and I think that you should try it. Once you can break away from all of the negative energy, life I think will get better. I know you want a relationship with you dad, but if he does not, that's not on you. I really wish everybody could have a great relationship with their parents, but some of us don't, and we somehow have to learn to accept that and know that no matter what, there are other who love us. We care about you.

As a last note. Have you tried counseling? I think that would help, as you can sort out all of the drama and figure our professionally what to do from there.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM/VM me. <3
   
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Re: birthday gloom, jobless doom, suicide looms - April 9th 2017, 08:57 PM

Thank you Ivan, Ellie and Cass.

My birthday is tomorrow and I don't know what to do with myself. The days since I've posted this seemed to have been really difficult.

My family hates monopoly. I am not a huge fan either. But some years ago I won a raffle which tutned out to be a gift card for a bicycle from toys r us. I had sime money left over so i spent it on games we can play as a family. I had bought monopoly, twister, secret code, uno. I think that was it. Those were some options instead of chess but we hadn't played much. When we moved, I had to get rid of a lot of things and I kept monopoly but we don't play. I respect thry have preferences I just notice that when thry do think of something thry enjoy thry don't invite me. They like to take walks for example. And I remember times I asked to join and I was told no becsuse I'm too emotional. When I tried coming along anyway, my dad said he wasn't gonna go anymore I came. So I stayed behind. The thing he said I was too emotional about had to do with me crying about he treated me earlier.

I mean, my friends are just busy. I don't even know who is my true friend and who isnt. I mean I'm trying to remind myself that some people really do care and they've showed that but I am just confused and hesitant regardless.
Yes, I am in therapy...I feel like it won't get better after I move out because it is possible I will just feel too broken and empty with everything that happened and is yet to happen up until then. The stress doesn't disapoear. I even even noticed that I end up meeting different people over abd over again who hurt me and I just feel like I won't be able to escape it even when I am away from my family, j won't be away from their behavior because there will be someone else who would be similar to me and treat me similarly.

I am working on moving out but it is such a long process. I am only at the beginning with all the setbacks, j go back to square one again and again.

I still don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. I'm worried it is going to look similar to today, of being ignored. Or maybe it will look like a few days ago, of being yelled at.
I'm just scared.
   
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Re: birthday gloom, jobless doom, suicide looms - April 10th 2017, 05:41 PM

I'm so sorry that things seem to be more difficult for you and not much better. I had a rough home situation when I was living at home, it was a bit different than yours but I can empathize with how it feels to not feel safe or loved in your own home.

Sometimes, especially around our age a lot of us are busy. I honestly don't have much time to hang out with friends, but I also know that if I really need them that they would drop almost everything to help me out. Maybe you could grab coffee with a friend and kind of rant about these things?

Moving out is a lot of work, I agree. I moved in with my partner about a year ago, and we had setbacks, but finally managed. Could you potentially find a roommate? Sometimes that makes the move more affordable and it also gives you a companion. I do agree that this part of your life won't leave you immediately after moving out and you still might feel bad. I felt that way for awhile, but the longer I was away from my situation the better and stronger I felt, and I hope that will be the same for you as well.

Remember that is okay to not be okay. We are all here for you and I'm sure others are too. Hang in there! <3
   
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Re: birthday gloom, jobless doom, suicide looms - April 11th 2017, 08:03 AM

We're here for you, Susie.

I'm sorry to hear the days since posting this have been really difficult. However, I am hoping your birthday went a bit better than you felt it may be.

That's really sweet of you to use the money you had left over to spend it on games you can play as a family. You obviously do put a lot of effort into family bonding time but they don't see the reciprocate that effort. Moving can be tough having to get rid of lots of things. Before you moved, did your family play any of the games with you after you had spent the money on them with the hope of family bonding? Or were you able to take any of the games with you? I surely hope so because you deserve effort from their side as well. It is kind of you to respect that they have preferences, and if it is a game they don't like to play then I understand, but I feel it's wrong of them to exclude you from activities they do just because you are upset. It is like they are not acknowledging their very behavior is contributing to why you are emotional. Can you talk with your dad more about this, and explain it really hurts when you are excluded? I'm wondering if you've asked him to take walks with you recently?

Considering the mistreatment you experience at home, I can understand why it'd cause you to be confused in knowing what friends are genuine. I am hoping it helps to continue reminding yourself that they do care about you. I'm sure that if they know who you are as a person, it's impossible for them not to care about you; you're such a sweet person. If you are continually having doubts, it is okay to open up to that friend about said doubts for reassurance. Everyone second-guesses sometimes and deals with doubts.

Is therapy helpful to you as of lately? I'm proud of you for taking that step to go into therapy. It is possible you will feel broken and empty, especially right after you move away from that environment. But that is normal I think because you'll need time to heal, process everything that happened and figure out what to do from there, you know? It'll be a process but it could be better for you in the wrong run because even though you may come across people who don't treat you well, you also have more control over who you allow in your apartment/home and more control over who your time is spent with. Therefore you can still remain in your family's lives while ensuring you have space between them and you. I hope that makes sense.

Independence is a process and it has many steps and will include setbacks but if it may help you then it is worth it. You can do this, Susan. I am hoping you are doing okay and that your birthday was better than you expected. I hope your family treated you well. No matter what, you can always find kindness here at TeenHelp. We're here for you, and you know where I am if you need me. Stay safe!
   
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