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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Thinking Offline
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I am horrible - April 11th 2017, 10:03 AM

I choose to be sick. I choose to not get help and continue being sick mentally.

I choose not to tell my problems to anyone. I choose not to have friends, choose not to talk to my parents, choose not to look for counselors. I choose to be unhelped and unheard, and keep being depressed.

They don't understand, it must be because I choose all these. My friend is right with all these. He had no idea how much he helped me when he said that, so that I can realize my mistake.

I am a terrible person and I hate myself. So of course I choose not to help myself. Of course I choose not to save a terrible person from depression because he doesnt worth it and he is bad. That person is me.

There is nothing good in me. I don't like myself.

I want to find something good in me but there is none. They have no idea how it is like to feel scared and disguised to look into a mirror or the reflections from the window. I hate the person I saw there. He is not a good person.

My friend realized all these in myself, that I am choosing sadness all these times. And I really appreciate him!

So I shall try to fix it accordingly. But how? I don't like myself, so I choose not to have the best for myself. I choose to be horrible. How can I not be terrible anymore?

There is nothing which shows I am good. So I am bad. I don't like to be bad, but I don't like myself either. There is nothing good in myself so I hate myself.

In short, I don't like myself.


Do my best at everything I can to live a happy, perfect life.

Happy life won't come by being happy everyday. Struggle and always work hard.

Forgive other's imperfection, they will work hard about it once I point it out to them, just like what I should be doing.

On the other hand, never tolerate with my own mediocrity. Never slack and always strive improvement.

Never settle. Never give up.
  Send a message via Skype™ to Thinking 
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I am horrible - April 11th 2017, 10:39 AM

Hey Ivan!

The first thing I'm going to point out is that you don't choose to be depressed. No one chooses that. Deciding to talk to people about how you feel and what you are struggling with is extremely difficult to do, especially when you have a voice in the back of your head telling you that your struggles aren't big enough or important enough to bother telling someone about anyway. Honestly reaching out on here is also under getting help and telling your problems to people, because even though we aren't professionals we can still offer you some support. I found that reaching out online helped me reach out in real life because it makes it easier to talk about things. You have reached out for help a few times now and that's actually so great and you should definitely be proud of yourself for doing that even if it doesn't seem as intimidating as reaching out in real life.

There are so many amazing things about you so you are definitely not a terrible person. Coming on here and helping other people is something you do, and last time I checked helping other people was not a terrible thing to do. So there's something good in you, you're willingness to help other people even when you are struggling. When you first joined we ended up talking a bit and throughout all those chats I never once thought you were a bad person, in fact I was thinking about how nice and sweet you are. Even from your signature we can tell how thoughtful you are, so remember that you aren't as bad as your depression is telling you that you are.

Talking to people in real life for help can actually be so hard to do, so don't think you are a bad person because you haven't done so. If possible, you can find someone you trust and just talk to them about small things and then gradually talk about bigger things, because despite it being hard to do talking to people does actually help. If you don't want to do that then you can also call hotlines, use Live Help, HelpLINK or continue to use the Support Forums, or even message one of us and ask for help. I know I would be more than willing to talk to you if you ever need help. The internet is a great starting place to opening up.

I want to remind you that you are actually a great person and someone who even earlier today I saw one of your posts and was thinking about how nice you are. So remember that you are amazing even if you don't see it yet.

You can do this. Take care.


Senior HelpLINK Mentor | Forum Moderator
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and laughs without fear of the future.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Thinking Offline
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Re: I am horrible - April 11th 2017, 11:20 AM

No.. none of you will understand... I really don't want to write this since if I do then no one will ever trust me anymore.

But since I choose to not help myself, it also means I choose to give up TH as well. So I will write it here.

I am horrible. If you goto any person and if you ask them whether they think they are born to be good or not, they will say they are good.

But I must have been born to be bad. I don't talk to my parents and don't trust them when I was very young. Then when my sister was born I was so much happier and better and I get out of darkness. Then she is sick and had epilepsy. Then I become a terrible person like before. I don't trust anyone and and hate everyone. Maybe I am good right now. But when my parents are gone all the light I have will be gone too. So I will be back to darkness again. They have no idea that I might be a evil person again. There is no hope.

They don't understand. They think those people who disobey their parents, or skip classes in school, or bullies, or those taking drugs are bad people. They don't understand why I am bad.

Bad is when you don't like beautiful things. Bad is when you step on a beautiful flower because its beautiful and you don't like it. Bad is when you see a new pencil on the table and you break it because you don't want it to be complete. Bad is when you feel like pinching those laughing innocent kids because you don't like them. Bad is when you feel like kicking a cat who touches you because you are scared. Bad is when you trap an insect in a box so that it will not fly out and scares me again. Bad is when you feel like dying when seeing people being happy. Bad is when you live in your own lies telling yourself you are good.

These are all me before I get out of darkness after I was 12. I will never forget how I am a horrible person

I can't remember clearly which are true or false, its so blur to me. It must be my evil self trying to deceive me and assure me that its all not true and I am good. It must be, because I never felt I am good. I am evil.

They say if a person is born to be bad, then it will reciprocates and one day he or she will be a criminal. I think I will be a criminal this way. I think I will be a sociopath and isolate everyone and I don't know. Maybe one day if I am angry I will make a bomb and be a terrorist idk.

I actually I investigated on how to make a bomb before, and It was to scare a person that I will bomb his house if he piss me off. He thinks I am crazy but I am really seriously mad at him and I am serious with what I say. I did researched on it. I am so scary. I think if I am smarter and if he didn't apologize earlier I might have enough information and Idk one day I might really make a bomb for his present. I am so horrible to even think of this at that time

I think I will be banned for writing this. Its fine since it means I choose to give up on finding help and I love to not help myself. Because I am evil. All the kind things I do to people must be the evil me trying to deceive me and everyone else that I am good. I don't deserve help.

I know I sound like a maniac. Its okay. Since I am bad. Just don't trust me and don't help me, and stay away from me.

I am already dead long ago. The only difference is I am still breathing



Do my best at everything I can to live a happy, perfect life.

Happy life won't come by being happy everyday. Struggle and always work hard.

Forgive other's imperfection, they will work hard about it once I point it out to them, just like what I should be doing.

On the other hand, never tolerate with my own mediocrity. Never slack and always strive improvement.

Never settle. Never give up.

Last edited by Thinking; April 12th 2017 at 12:57 AM.
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I am horrible - April 11th 2017, 03:29 PM

You are a good person. Okay? Don't doubt yourself.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I am horrible - April 11th 2017, 03:34 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ivan09220114 View Post
I choose to be sick. I choose to not get help and continue being sick mentally.

I choose not to tell my problems to anyone. I choose not to have friends, choose not to talk to my parents, choose not to look for counselors. I choose to be unhelped and unheard, and keep being depressed.

same for me stay strong!

They don't understand, it must be because I choose all these. My friend is right with all these. He had no idea how much he helped me when he said that, so that I can realize my mistake.

I am a terrible person and I hate myself. So of course I choose not to help myself. Of course I choose not to save a terrible person from depression because he doesnt worth it and he is bad. That person is me.

There is nothing good in me. I don't like myself.

I want to find something good in me but there is none. They have no idea how it is like to feel scared and disguised to look into a mirror or the reflections from the window. I hate the person I saw there. He is not a good person.

My friend realized all these in myself, that I am choosing sadness all these times. And I really appreciate him!

So I shall try to fix it accordingly. But how? I don't like myself, so I choose not to have the best for myself. I choose to be horrible. How can I not be terrible anymore?

There is nothing which shows I am good. So I am bad. I don't like to be bad, but I don't like myself either. There is nothing good in myself so I hate myself.

In short, I don't like myself.
Stay strong bro! Same for me
 Send a message via ICQ to christophe  
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I am horrible - April 12th 2017, 11:01 PM

I know you aren't a bad person. I barely know you, and I know you aren't a bad person. You are compassionate, you help people when they need it. You simply replied to 1 post I made and it changed everything for me. That is not something a bad person would do. I know you think you are a bad person, but you have to get it through your head that you are't. I know how incredibly hard it is to get something out of your head that you think has been true for most or all of your life, but I know you can do it. There are difficult things in life, but through all of those difficult things, you need to stay strong and be yourself. If you need to talk about anything, feel free to IM me
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
Thinking Offline
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Re: I am horrible - April 13th 2017, 04:36 AM



Am I really good? Why does it feel so far away from me...

Why do I hate to look into a mirror and end up hit it... I just want the mirror to break into pieces... I try not to look at mirrors or the windows.

Am I really good...


Do my best at everything I can to live a happy, perfect life.

Happy life won't come by being happy everyday. Struggle and always work hard.

Forgive other's imperfection, they will work hard about it once I point it out to them, just like what I should be doing.

On the other hand, never tolerate with my own mediocrity. Never slack and always strive improvement.

Never settle. Never give up.
  Send a message via Skype™ to Thinking 
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I am horrible - April 13th 2017, 05:00 AM

You are really great mate.
The compassion you show is amazing. Believe that


PM me if you ever wanna talk. Send a message my way.
And remember, you matter. You're awesome. You're beautiful. Stay strong, the world will get better.

May The Force be With You.
   
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