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Thinking Offline
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I try. again. - April 13th 2017, 10:04 AM

Its okay. Its okay. Its always okay.

I will not forget the person with a wheelchair smilling today. He is definitely not a disabled person. He had a special place to me for lighten my room again. Its not empty anymore. He is a stranger. But it doesnt matter.

Even after that I try to reactivate again and write to my friend again, and they say unbelieveable things again, its okay.

I learnt one very important lesson. People who can be trusted are rare. Also, they are evil, I am not. At least in this senario. I had said nothing bad to them. I had done nothing wrong. When he gone through what he calls depression for months, not a single day I gave up on him. But roles swapped...

Anyway, I am the only person who can help myself. I am very sure about that now. I know myself the best. So I will help myself.

They dont stand a place in my heart to hurt me anymore. I dont trust them. So I am not going to be hurt be this.

Life can be better with only myself. Maybe I dont have to be gone after they are gone. I can survive with only myself. Maybe I am not a bad person. Idk. It has been wired this way for many years but I think I can try to unwire it, for the first time after so long. I try.

But I will not give up. I had no choice. I have to be there for them. But I really dont know what to do when they are gone. I just have to try...

And one more thing. This marks the end of the stupid thoughts from them. I dont choose to be sad. I dont create sadness out of nowhere. I have my problems, no matter how big or small I have the right to be sad. I had been trying. And if I could have chosen I would have chosen happiness. I dont simply get happy by miracle, I fight very hard for it. Its not because I am not depressed that I can pop out suddenly to be happy. I dont tell people it doesnt mean I never struggled. In fact I never really get out of it, I only get out of darkness 6 years ago, but not depression. I am not weak. I am not evil.

No more distorted thoughts! I must stop the stupid things they told me since 2.5 weeks ago. They are small matters from unrelevant people, and its just for a while. Officially done with the distorted thoughts, that's it.

I have something with a lifetime to care about. To unwire death from my brain.

Do my best at everything I can to live a happy, perfect life.

Happy life won't come by being happy everyday. Struggle and always work hard.

Forgive other's imperfection, they will work hard about it once I point it out to them, just like what I should be doing.

On the other hand, never tolerate with my own mediocrity. Never slack and always strive improvement.

Never settle. Never give up.

Last edited by Thinking; April 13th 2017 at 10:25 AM.
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Re: I try. again. - April 14th 2017, 06:21 PM

Hi Ivan,

I'm glad that you're finally realizing that you don't choose to be sad, as I've mentioned before, no one chooses to be sad. If it was that easy, wouldn't we be able to choose to be happy too? Honestly, I wish we could choose to be happy.

I hope that this is the beginning of your uphill climb from when you were feeling so down.

Stay Strong,

“You are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.”

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Re: I try. again. - April 17th 2017, 09:24 AM

Hello Ivan,

Your last 2 lines were indeed worth smiling - "I have something with a lifetime to care about. To unwire death from my brain.". Yes it isnt easy to cope and to struggle from distorted thoughts but the determination and your changed mindset of choosing not to be sad is a big leap of a new beginning. And yes trusted family, friends and persons are indeed a good support system.

Stay strong!
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