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paxvan Offline
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Wink Notice me. - April 13th 2017, 06:53 PM

Hi dear users of teenhelp.org,

I am here purely to let out all the things that I keep locked inside of me, and to ask for advice, if anyone is willing to give one, I'm grateful.

I don't want to waste your time with a long story, but here is a short version (as short as I could have written it).

When I was only 7 years old my uncle died of a heart attack. I was devastated back then, since my father was never there for me. My uncle wasn't just an uncle, he was like my father.
I couldn't stop crying, and I started subconsciously faking diseases (something like asthma, coughing, fever, and so on), I did not know that I was faking it, actually. There was strong belief inside of me that those diseases, simple, but irritating diseases were real.
Finding out that I've been actually faking it, almost killed me. I've missed a lot of classes in my elementary school days. Teachers always said that I was faking it, even the doctors did. The only person that believed me, was my mother.
Nobody cared enough to actually ask themselves, maybe he needs help from a professional.
In elementary school I was bullied every day, it was not a pleasant experience. The bullying continued in my high school, they broke my phone several times, my watch, took my money, beat me, insulting me to the point of me trying to commit suicide. The pain was unbearable.
I didn't go to a psychiatrist until I was about 17 (I'm 18 now).
Loneliness was occupying my life in elementary school, so did depression, social anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. And let's not forget the fact that I've been hearing a voice since I was 7. It's actually not my uncle's voice, he calls himself 'Sherlock Holmes'- the voice I hear.
Since I was 7 years old, I didn't have any friends, before that I was the happiest kid. Hanging out with a lot of people, and oh boy did I have friends.
But, one by one, those friends left me. And by the age of seven, I was left with my mom, and my father who came back. There was unknown fear inside of me, fear of being abandoned, which led to my isolation.
In the first year of high school, it was lonely. All changed when I met her. It was really hard for me to let another human being in my life, but it somehow happened. We quickly became friends, we were in the same class, even. Her and me liked same things, same music, same TV shows, we both knew the English language very well (English is actually NOT my main language). Slowly, but surely, my depression faded away into nothingness. The voice in my head disappeared. She was the reason I started reading books (which I did not do before).
One day, I realized that I liked her, heck I was in love with her. I was anxious and afraid to tell her that, but I told her. She said that she likes me too, and I was instantly in heaven.
After 6 months being together with her, I became even more madly in love with her. If she got a problem, doesn't matter how small it is, I'd be there. I didn't care if my grades were suffering, if I wasn't doing what I like, heck I think I loved being there for her.
But one day, all things came to an end. She broke up with, saying she never liked me. I wanted to be her friend, didn't want to lose her.
From that day, until now, she has been ignoring me. She hardly even wants to talk to me. I kept asking her what's the problem, why is she doing that, I did not get an answer. Seeing her be best friends with someone else, while I was forced to be in the shadows, watching all of that unfold before my eyes, simply crushed me. Depression, suicidal thoughts, and the voice all came back. I am going to a psychiatrist every week, it is not helping. I'm also very shy, and can't talk about my problems, writing is much easier.
I realized one thing, unless I am sick, or should I say "faking" a disease, nobody wants to notice me. Depression and suicidal thoughts are, I'm very positive about it, real. (the voice included).
When I smile, and everything is alright, nobody wants to notice me. Nobody's listening to me. I'm not a kid, I know it's a damned life we live now, but I want a friend. Someone who I can talk with about things we like.
I just want to be noticed, I just want a friend.
   
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Re: Notice me. - April 17th 2017, 02:02 PM

Hey there! I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through so much, it's so hard to have to deal with all of these things, especially at a young age. I'm glad that you've found TeenHelp though, this website truly has amazing resources and so many people to become friends with!

You mentioned that you see a psychiatrist every week but it's not helping much. Do you think that could be due to the fact that you're shy and have a hard time talking about what's happening? My counselor noticed I had a similar struggle, so she asked me to write a letter with the things I thought she would know and I brought it the next week. It was helpful because I was able to let her know without having to say the words, and once she knew it was easier to talk about. This could be something that you could try to see if it helps at all.

You're noticed here, and you have friends here. All of us are rooting for you and we're all here for you. If there is anything that I can do for you (or if you just want to vent to someone) please let me know!

All the best,

Erin


wanderer come home
you're not too far
lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
come as you are.

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Re: Notice me. - April 17th 2017, 04:05 PM

Hi Erin,
thank you for the heartwarming response!
I appreciate it.
I have tried writing it, but that didn't help too much, though. (since that never made it to the doctor)
   
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Re: Notice me. - April 17th 2017, 06:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by paxvan View Post
I have tried writing it, but that didn't help too much, though. (since that never made it to the doctor)
Maybe mention this idea to your doctor then, that way you can have someone to keep you accountable to going through with it. It can be really scary to open up about certain things, but you deserve to feel better and live happier!


wanderer come home
you're not too far
lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
come as you are.

VM | PM
   
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Re: Notice me. - April 18th 2017, 07:23 PM

The doctor once said that I should write it and then burn it.
At least I got it out
   
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