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Chaotic_ Offline
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Emotions are everywhere. - June 4th 2017, 05:00 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Not sure where this should go since it's a mixture of depression, self-harm and anxiety (Feel free to move if you must ).

So my last counseling appointment two weeks ago we talked a lot about my depression and where it started and it how it progressed and degressed and all of the "fun," stuff. I've been having the issue lately where my mood is literally all over the place. One day I'm great, the next day I'm down in the dumps. One day I have almost no anxiety, the next day I can barely get outside of my apartment. It's just been everywhere, and I don't know what to do. For the past two weeks, I feel like it's been a little worse, probably because we've been chatting about it, and I know in order to fully heal I have to go through this really shitty part, but it's not a lot of fun, that's for sure. So, anyways I've been grading my anxiety and depression, I averaged it out today since I have my appointment on Tuesday and both averaged out to a C-, like I'm living a slightly below average when it comes to my mental health. I don't really like that, I want to be more in the B range. I feel stupid that I actually graded myself and I don't know if it's something I should share with my counselor. I've also texted myself a lot of my feelings throughout this past week, I'm debating if I should e-mail him those things as well or if they really aren't that important....

But yesterday, I had a particularly bad day. Partially because my hormones are everywhere () and my depression kind of intermingled and it wasn't pretty at all. I lost all motivation to get any work done, I lost motivation to do anything and suddenly I really wanted to cut, not just that passing fleeting moment. Like I really wanted to go grab a blade out of the bathroom and cut my arm. But instead a texted into a crisis line and it passed. What concerns me is it I haven't had an urge like that in years....and I didn't have anyone to reach out too because I have closed the portion of my life off. The one person I would have told, we had a falling out and are no longer friends. So, I have nobody to talk to this about...I kind of told my boyfriend but I made it sound like "oh it was just a small urge and then I just distracted myself." I used to be so open about this but I've ruined so many friendships because it was too much... and I don't want to do that again, even though I know I am a lot better than back then, I'm still scared.

I just don't know what to do when it comes to these things.
   
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Re: Emotions are everywhere. - June 5th 2017, 08:57 AM

Thank you for writing.

Yes it is good to establish some people you can turn to when things get bad and you feel like cutting. People who understand and know what to do. You may need to coach some people on what to do. Usually people know they just need to listen to you talk. They can listen to you on the phone, or meet with you in person. You can tell them how long you expect you might need to talk with them on the phone. 20 minutes? However long it takes for the feeling to pass.

This is called Setting Up a Support Network.

Very important to do to keep one healthy and sane and well.

Peers are good if you know other people who have been through it and are willing to be supportive.

Also true you may have friends who may not make good support people, if they are unfamiliar with these types of psychological emotional needs and how to deal with them. Those ones you can determine if they are trainable and willing, or just not up to it and best leave them out so you don't lose them as a friend as you don't want to overwhelm them with a task that's over their head and abilities to perform.

Keeping track of your own moods is always a fine thing to do. You can go over them briefly with your counselor or psychiatrist when you meet so they can get a general idea of how you've been doing. (Texting yourself is one way. Writing notes is another. Journaling. Anything which works.)

Note when I did this I thought I would know when I was well because the data would say I was well. Instead, I discovered I was well because I stopped collecting data. It was no longer an important issue.

You an also line up counselors you can call in an emergency, or church pastors, perhaps professional healthcare providers, peers, friends. Think creatively.

You can also establish a counselor who can help you establish a support network. Or check out the WRAP book (Wellness Action Recovery Plan) and WRAP Workbook.
https://www.wrapandrecoverybooks.com
http://mentalhealthrecovery.com/
Best Wishes!
   
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