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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Can you hear the silence?
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Life up date feeling rubbish. - June 4th 2017, 08:25 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi everyone.


I just felt like ranting and anyone who cares or wants to know whats up with me can read responses would be appreciative but mainly just doing this as a way of managing all the emotions which have built up in me as I have no one to talk to.

I don't really know where to start but I just feel so shit I feel like life was going really well I had an awesome job and everything I was very deep in my anorexia but I was happy being underweight and sick but thats another story.

I have recently just come out of recovery from an eating disorder I have been binging for 3 weeks uncontrollably I have gained so much weight so I know that a relapse is on the cards I have already planned it in my head I will relapse tomorrow all my thoughts are back I am going to starve myself until I am happy I can't fight these horrible thoughts again.

I don't really have any friends I don't what's up with them anymore one of them has had a girlfriend for about a year now and I have not seen him in 7 months he does not care about me he ignores my messages etc He is like it to all of his friends I think he is just a total idiot and why should I be friends with someone who gives 0 fucks about me. My other friend just does my fucking head in to the point where I want to personally smash my head against a brick wall. I have never really had friends in life through all my life from little school all the way through to college I have been bullied pretty seriously to the point where I have had to call the police.

I struggle with voices in my head I have had these voices in my brain all my life they are getting worse and making life so much harder I just wish they would fuck off.

I left my full time dream job to more of a part time job 12 hours a week which consists of 3 shifts a week 4 hour shifts each week. I moved job because of the distance I had to travel to get to my full time job and the fact that I was so wrapped up in my anorexia at the time the colleagues kept taking the piss out of me and throwing me in card boxes because I was so underweight.

I decided to leave my full time job which I am still not sure if this was a good decision I was in training which would of lasted a year and would of finished round abouts now. The wage was not very good it was only 5 pound an hour but I was working so many hours a week I was making a fair amount of money.

The job I am currently at have tried to sack me loads of times for no reason but lucky I have my big brother who is high up and professional in retail and knows all the employment rules. They used the reason because I have dyslexia I should be sacked so I have been sacked a once but then won my job back then they did try to sack me again but failed again because my brother saw some flaws in their investigation on me. I am currently still working for them even though they discriminated me for having dyslexia and treated me poorly but they are constantly still trying to wait for me to do something wrong and use it as another reason to get shot of me.

I was working on my sleeve and I had an awesome tattoo done on my arm and my artist made a mistake and very slightly misspelled something on my arm instead of saying what doesn't kill you makes you wish you was dead mine says what don't kill you makes you wish you were dead so I am very upset considering my tattoos mean a lot to me and I feel they help me be who I am.

I constantly argue with my family they drive me insane.

All I do is sit in my room all day when I am not working and listen to my music.
I don't go out anywhere I have not gone clubbing in ages I am to fat now anyway I have no friends so who cares anymore. When I go in to work all the customers do is talk to me and I know that sounds bad but I am miserable I am depressed I don't want to talk leave me alone I know that makes me sound like a horrible person but they always moan at me and I really don't care about the shop prices it has nothing to do with me.

I have not included everything otherwise it would be so long so I just included the first things which came to mind.
I don't understand why no one wants to help me I'm so alone everyone just assumes I'm ok
Thank you for reading god bless you I love you.

Last edited by bringmethehorizon♥; June 4th 2017 at 11:44 PM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Life up date feeling rubbish. - June 5th 2017, 08:41 AM

Hey Justin,

I'm terribly sorry that you're going through this. Have you tried talking to your family members about this? Maybe they assume you're okay because they can't tell that anything is wrong.

I know that everything feels hard and impossible now, but I promise that it will get better eventually. Everything eventually passes and one day this will just be a part of a past life that you've left far, far behind. And I know that you're an amazing person just from how you like to ask everyone how they are every now and then just to check in, and if your so-called friends can't see that, then they really don't deserve you at all!

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk,

Kyra xx
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