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Heathen Offline
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Contemplating the worst - June 24th 2017, 02:23 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

*See also: trigger warning for SH and abuse*

Hey all.

I don't remember whether or not I've ever posted in this forum. I'm honestly not sure. Either way, I'll give a bit of back story. Late in 2015/early in 2016 I was plagued by depression, the worst I'd had in years. I've bee diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder Type I since I was nine years old and my episodes normally don't stray far from center but this was a huge dip. It started rather slowly but about halfway through the year it really spiraled out of control. I self-harmed severely, to the point of needing to go to the ER multiple times. I attempted suicide. I was hospitalized twice. I even did a round of ECT for a few months. Nothing seemed to help until we tried a new medication in December.

Shortly after starting that medication in December I was raped. It triggered my PTSD, leftover from childhood sexual abuse, something awful. I started having vivid flashbacks and dissociative episodes. I self-harmed during these episodes, once to the point of requiring surgery, which resulted in inpatient treatment for a couple of days. After the surgery I put myself through mental health treatment. I did residential, then two partial-hospitalization programs, and now IOP. Things were getting better. I felt like I was finally starting to get my life back together.

Then, out of nowhere, three weeks ago my mood just took a severe downward turn. It was quickly apparent that I'm suffering a depressive episode, but unlike the one in 2016, this didn't get worse slowly over time; this has been a swift drop. Also unlike the one in 2016 the Flashbacks from the rape and other abuse occur daily and I am having trouble handling them. Though my partner, S, has effectively removed most methods with which to easily commit suicide from the house and/or locked them up, I still think about it. Not all the time; most of the time I just feel dead, numb, and disconnected inside. But suicidal thoughts occur multiple times a day. I daydream about it.

This isn't your typical case. I know therapeutic skills. I'm working on medication with my psychiatrist. I'm not lonely, I'm not upset about anything in my life- my life is pretty fantastic, actually, which is why this is all so weird.

I've been fighting for years, guys. Ever since I was nine and suffered a mixed episode and they locked me up. I've fought self-harm urges since I was a small child. I've fought suicidal thoughts for years and had several attempts, one of them very nearly successful. I've weathered mood swings, both towards mania and depression, for a long, long time. I'm thinking maybe it's time to just quit. Give in. I've had a good life, but if this is the future I have ahead of me- mood instability, suicidal ideation, hospitalizations, years of school delayed or missed due to depression- I don't know if I want it. I've been doing it for so long and there seems to be no end in sight.

I really don't know if I can keep this up. I'm disconnected from everything. I don't enjoy anything. I feel alienated from all my friends because I can't engage in the fun they're having. I sit curled in a ball in my room because reading and watching things takes too much effort, and going out even more so.

I just don't know what to do.

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...

Last edited by Heathen; June 24th 2017 at 03:24 AM.
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Wonderlust Offline
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Re: Contemplating the worst - June 24th 2017, 04:03 AM

This is one of the most upsetting stories I've read in a long time. I'm here if you ever need to talk. Please stop self harming. It's a tough process but there are SO many alternatives. I'm sorry about what your going through. I hope your rapist burns in hell... Sorry, not sorry. PM me if you need anything. And it's normal for everything to be "ok" when your depressed. Depression can come in different situations. Love you, take care, and don't forget to talk to me if you need anything. ❤️❤️

Life's a tough b**ch, but you are tougher. Go show it who's boss. <lots of love and hugs>
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