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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Chaotic_ Offline
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Feeling Like A Let Down. - July 6th 2017, 07:40 PM

So since the fourth my depression has been up and down like crazy. Today is a down day.

I'm just really struggling and I don't know why. Also, I'm really not supposed to question "why," but to accept the feelings and be curious about them in a different light. Mostly because asking "why" just leads to more bad thoughts and sends us down a slippery slope.

I'm trying really hard to follow this and the mindfullness stuff my counselor has me working on. But it's so hard when you feel like shit.

Yesterday was fine, I went to my counseling appointment and my anxiety kicked in hardcore for no reason. We weren't talking about anything triggering or anything. He noticed that I wasn't really paying attention and that I was tense and asked what was wrong and I told him that I was on the verge of a panic attack. He helped me through it and was nice about it, but I left feeling really pissed off that I let him see me like that. I don't like being vulnerable or feeling weak. I also always worry that people will judge me if I breakdown in front of them..... honestly, like in a way I'm relieved that it happened because I know he's a safe space but I'm still upset with myself if that makes sense.

I wrote him an e-mail explaining all of my feelings and sent it, and also told him of ways he can help in the future if were to happen again. I guess I'm worried he's going to think I'm stupid and a failure for this and I don't want that.

I'm just overall feeling really heavy and down.
I'm trying to keep my mind off of things but it's getting hard.
My counselor told me that I'm in charge of how often I want to see him, he likes the two weeks. Right now I wish I had an earlier appointment though, but my depression is allowing me to even e-mail him to ask him if it's possible. I feel ashamed that someone who is typically able to control things feels the need to see a counselor more than twice a month.

Gah.
I really just don't know what to do.
I should be working on my business, or helping with the upkeep of my fiances and my apartment, but there's no motivation right now.
I am such a failure.
   
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Re: Feeling Like A Let Down. - July 6th 2017, 10:11 PM

You are not a failure. You are depressed. Its hard to find motivation to do anything when you feel like this. Hold on. You are a little unsteady. You need someone or something to steady you. Once you can do that the rest falls into place. Its a lot easier to control the depression. PM me if you need to talk. Im 13 years younger, but I get what you're going through. <sending lots of love and hugs your way>




Life's a tough b**ch, but you are tougher. Go show it who's boss. <lots of love and hugs>
   
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Re: Feeling Like A Let Down. - July 8th 2017, 05:46 AM

Thank you for posting. Are you also seeing a psychiatrist doctor? It might be worth trying some antidepressant medication. I used to think that was a really stupid idea, except talking about my problems didn't seem to be fixing them, and my parents were urging me to try it, and my doctor was urging me to try it, so I eventually did, and I eventually found an antidepressant medication that actually worked, and it changed everything, and now I feel normal now, which is a new experience for me. I still see my counselor. She helps me through the depression when the meds aren't working, and she keeps an eye on me through the good times when the meds are working, because I still need to keep myself stable and balanced and well, but it's a lot easier when I'm not f***ing depressed to being with!

So I've changed my mind on meds and now think it's a good idea if anyone else thinks it's a good idea, based on my own experience. (Now I do the mindfulness meditation thing a lot and it helps. I don't think it would have helped as much without the medication.)

Best wishes!
   
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