How to stop apathy? / Medication
 

Hi.
I am really struggling. I noticed I first started having anxiety in middle school, I would be overthinking social interactions (which is relatively normal for growing teens). In high school freshman year I got involved with cross country, orchestra, swim team. I had so much energy! Then it started going down. I was friends with someone since birth, her and her mother are very manipulative jealous people I can't even get into all of it. But finally I turned 18 and I realized how controlling they were and how damaging to my self esteem they were! I wasn't even brushing my teeth and missing school because my self esteem was so low! Even after I cut her off she joined music and swim just to beat me at them. My energy went down, yes, but it was manageable. I could still feel joy at times and still got excited over things, I remember this.
Then college came and I fell in love. He has a good heart, but is blinded by his own self loathing. He loved me and we were like best friends, but he was not mentally ready for us. He broke up with me on our anniversary and took advantage by having anal with me (I did not consent or want it... I always told him I was never ready for it). Then he left. I know deep down he did love me, we were a thing from October 2014 to January this year 2017. But he did not have the capacity of loving me wholly.

Anyway. I am deaf, and I got tinnitus last year May. I feel that ever since, I started developing apathy. At this point, I feel nothing. Never excited, never happy, never sad, just a zombie. I have really bad fatigue and no energy, and crying easily. Even things I know I love like nature, art, music, going out with friends... does nothing for me. A wonderful man came into my life, and I feel nothing. It's not that these things dont matter to me, it feeds my soul but my physical body just feels... dead. :(

I tried two anti-depressants and neither really did much except the recent one helped my appetite. I just dont know what to do, I'm too fatigued/anxious/depressed to do anything despite how badly I want to fight this. But it doesnt feel worth fighting for if I cant feel anything physically... Therapy helps but only temporarily...


What can I do?.... :( :hug: