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Unhappy I dont know.. - August 29th 2017, 12:43 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have had a rough past month or so.. I don't know what to do at all. I am suicidal, but I am not at the same time. I recently relapsed (self harmed) for the first time in over a year. I have been extremely stressed, I don't know what to do. I really am unsure.. I want to die, but I also don't. I just want my pain to end... I really do. Because it is has been happening my whole life, truly. I am 17 years old, I was diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome at age 8. My father committed suicide when I was 6 years old. When I was 8, my grandmother who lived with me and my mom passed away. She had kind of taken the place of my dad and was kinda the second parental figure. My whole childhood I had a lot of experience of loss. I lost my great aunt Ellie when I was about 3??? My aunt Agnes when I was 9, my aunt Posie when I was about 7. I grew up losing something big every year. It was like every Christmas, I had lost something else. My Aunt Sandy passed away this past October, and my grandfather passed away when I was about 11. I was sexually assaulted at age 13. I have had mobile therapy multiple times, I am in theraputic emotional support in school, I have a trauma based therapist, I have had family based 3 times, I have been in inpatient over 13 times, residential for 4 months once, and I have been on many medications and currently take medications now. I see a psychiatrist for my medications. Psychiatrists have given me different diagnosis, but the majority have said that I have asbergers, generalized anxiety disorder, tourette's disorder, clinical depression, a mood disorder (maybe bipolar, since my mom and dad both have/had it), and OCD. My mom, therapists, and psychiatrist all know that I am struggling greatly. I just don't know what to do.. I don't want to go to inpatient. I don't want to feel this pain, I just want to lay around forever and do nothing.
   
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Re: I dont know.. - August 29th 2017, 05:30 PM

Hey Eliot, thanks for reaching out. It certainly sounds like you have been through quite a bit in your short life so far. How much support are you getting from your mum, therapist, and other people? Have you discussed about going inpatient? If you do not feel comfortable discussing it with them, then I suggest making a thread on here inquiring about it or checking out the resources available in your area.

I'm so sorry you've experienced many losses, and it's not easy losing just one single person. Losing all those people from early childhood must be incredibly difficult. I think it's important to ask yourself this: what would these people say if they knew where you are at today? I think they would be proud, even if you feel like you've done all these bad things to yourself and have all these diagnoses. It's a lifelong battle, but it's what you make of it.

I really suggest reaching out to people and getting second+ opinions about inpatient. Both the good and bad, because there are bad but the good might outweigh them.

If you need to reach out again, please don't hesitate.
   
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Re: I dont know.. - August 30th 2017, 06:26 PM

Hey Eliot,

It sounds like you have a lot of support in place and I am glad that you have all that even if it doesn't seem like it is working.

I am wondering if you have any Intensive Outpatient Programs (IOP) near you? I know that a lot of cities have pretty crappy services for mental health and the services for adolescents can be even more lacking. However, this might be something you could talk to your therapist about?

I know back when I was really struggling there were times when I think I would have greatly benefited from IOP. The reason is because I needed more services than what my school and my therapist could offer but I wasn't willing to go inpatient. I know my county did have a day treatment program for students. So, that might be something to consider talking to your therapist about as well.

Do you have any hobbies that can help distract you while you are struggling. Personally, reading has probably saved my life numerous times. When I was really struggling I would read a lot to escape my pain. Maybe there is something similar that you could utilize? Reading, Television shows, movies, video games etc?

Lastly, if you are really struggling and are unable to keep yourself safe please go to the hospital. I know being inpatient sucks and I know there are times when not being alive seems like the best thing but you can overcome this and you can get to a better place. I struggled for years and within the last year or two I have gotten quite a bit better. I don't struggle nearly as much and I have not been inpatient in almost two years. That seemed impossible back when I was 17-23 years old. So, please seek out help so that you can, hopefully, get to a better place in the future.


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