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Jin Offline
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Sadistic Sibling and Delusional Father have me suicidal. - October 20th 2017, 02:18 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Alright, I got this younger sibling. Very smart and good at sports, only 13 yet a track star and taking Highschool and College level courses. At first glance, she's outgoing and nice, but that's just how she treats OTHER people. At home, her pastime is to try to tell me how much of a failure I am, how much she can't wait for me to get out of the house, how I have no friends, etc. As the older sibling, you can expect that I get reprimanded for saying so much as a "be quiet" because my parents by into her saying that she's just kidding. Hell, she came to my school, accepted my offer to give her a tour of the place to see if she wanted to go there the next year, and then used that as a chance to badmouth me to every random student we passed. Parents did nothing.

What's worse, though, is the father who enables her. He tries to pit us against each other in arguments for her to practice since she's in debate, and no matter what I do- including silence- I get the worst possible interpretation. If I take her seriously, she insults my character, overtalks, and puts words in my mouth, to which my parents call her "Ooh, smarter than a high schooler!" If I respond in kind to get my part in, I'm called out for "losing my cool" and that just is spun to her credit. If i walk away, then my parents continue to taunt me even outside of said arguments as being scared of my intellectually superior kin.

No matter what i do, I'm either irrational, immature, some kind of retard despite my own AP courses, etc. My father promotes my sister's making me feel terrible as a hobby, and any attempts to talk with him, ironically, result in everything I say being disregarded as me being a 'stupid teenager who knows nothing about parenting.' This is how it's been going for 10 years. As a child, when complaining just wound up with me getting punished and demeaned, the only thing I had left to cope was escapism. Sports, gaming, art, that kind of thing. As soon as a shred of happiness returned, my parents quickly shut that out of my life, so all i could do was kill off my ability to care or have hope about anything of remote worth to me.

As of now, that's proving to be a roadblock. I can't find the motivation to work towards my dreams because i've spent so much time convincing myself that they don't matter in order to spare my feelings that I've killed off my ability to dream. I learned of this issue when I was 13 years old, and after several years of trying every which way to motivate myself, I've been contemplating suicide. Self-suggestion doesn't work, distracting myself with work or hobbies doesn't work, and nowadays that's all I can think about.

Has anyone else developed a debilitating amount of apathy and low self-value? How'd you get over the belief that you and all you aspire to are innately worthless?

P.S. I apologize for the wall of text. My family has a very specific mix of dysfunctional habits so I felt some kind of backstory for the way I've come to think and [not] feel would help to understand my issues.
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del677 Offline
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Re: Sadistic Sibling and Delusional Father have me suicidal. - October 21st 2017, 10:11 AM

My guess is it's a clash of personality types.

I seem to recall there's some personality type where the people love conflict, they thrive on it, they think everyone else is like them and thrives on it too like they do. They think the way to be strong is to be a good verbal jouster. They love to practice their skill. They thrive on victory, never admit defeat, they are energised by the game.

They might think you need some extra training, they may be worried you're not honing your verbal jousting skill, they may see you as lagging behind, or they may not be thinking at all and just pleased to use you as their training punching bag.

Notice it's all about them.

Has nothing to do with you.

Other than you're just nearby, someone they can engage in the her all jousting game.

And it has nothing to do with logic or reason. It's all about getting an emotional reaction. They want to get a reaction out of you. (This is why people with Asperger syndrome infuriate them so. Those people remain caslm and rational no matter what. Drives them nuts! They can't get a reaction out of them!)

(Don't try to develop Asperger syndrome. You need those emotions. They will get you a mate and a steady lasting relationship, while these jousting people will never find that, and will later become rather depressed about that.)

You can train yourself, train your mind, to be less reactive, which is how you beat these people, not by winning, since they never admit defeat, but by simply not caring about their arguments, and not caring that they claim to snatch victory, allow them their self-proclaimed victory, which is meaningless to anyone else but themselves.

The training is to practice Mindfulness, or Meditation, or Yoga, Qi-Gong, Tai-Chi, etc. Brain scans show a couple months of this strengthens certain parts of the brain, giving one more power to chose if they wish to respond rationally, or emotionally, to whatever trigger there is. That new strength, ability, to chose a response, rather than react, is what will drive them nuts, and eventually they will develop a secret respect for you, which they will never admit to, but it will be there nonetheless.

That and you'll have steady relationships, which they will secretly envy, but again never admit to.

The key is understanding their personality type, what drives them to engage in these verbal jousts, how they think it's all exercise to make them strong, and how they completely miss, the ability to love someone, kindly, passionately, caringly, which you have, and that ability to love is what will make you very attractive to a potential partner. (Something which, sadly, these verbal jousting people will never have. There, you just won.)
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delusional, father, sadistic, sibling, suicidal

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