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Chaotic_ Offline
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I Want It To Crash Down - November 1st 2017, 12:27 AM

I'm super frustrated and overall just having a sucky day.
I had an appointment with my counselor which typically goes well and who I have a good relationship with, although I'm incredibly quiet during sessions.

Today it started off with him using a case he has as an analogy (obviously didn't disclose personal information) but basically the patient he has is dying and he can't get her help because of insurance things. For some reason I am so incredibly jealous of this patient. I'm jealous that their condition is of high priority and that it requires so much care and diligence. I guess, I just don't feel important. I'm so high functioning, that it doesn't interfere with my daily life (usually) so I don't know.... I don't know what this jealousy is stemming from, it's not like I want to be so bad I'm hospitalized, but sometimes I just wish I had the extra amount of care because despite how functioning and independent I am, I still feel lost most of the time and it hurts.

Another thing is my counselor believes in repetition and such, so we're constantly talking about the same things which usually is helpful. But I sent two e-mails these past two weeks because I had issues (OCD related) that I never brought up and my self harm urges and depression haven't been getting better. I really want to talk in depth about these issues with him, but I feel like I can't. I feel like I always draw talking points up in the e-mail, and we just go in circles. I need to learn to be vulnerable, to be able to tell people when I'm hurting, what I'm thinking, it's gotten to the point I can't even cry anymore. And who better to start with than my counselor? I hold him in such high regard and he's helped me the most out of anyone. I just need things to be a little different during our sessions, but I don't know how to tell him. Also, should I mention the jealousy issue I had about the patient he brought up? Because part of me feels like it's really important, but my fiance thinks it's normal and I shouldn't run to my counselor with every little thing :/

All of this is making me wish I was so damn high functioning. I think my anxiety prevents me from throwing it all away (apparently it's good for something) I don't cut out of fear of disappointing people around me, but I really want to because I want to show my counselor how much I hurt too, it's ridiculous, and I know that but I need to get my feelings out. I want to just stop everything. I wish I wasn't anxious about responsibility but in the end it's the anxiety that is making me work two jobs. It's the anxiety that isn't allowing me self-harm, it's the anxiety that won't allow the suicidal thoughts to become more than that, thoughts. It's anxiety that's allowing me to be as high functioning as I am....which just dawned on me as I'm writing this.

I really want to write an e-mail to my counselor.
I really just don't know what to say.
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Aaron, Offline
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Re: I Want It To Crash Down - November 1st 2017, 12:33 AM

I would tell your counseler anyway. Thats what theyre there for right? And everythings confidential. Just tell him/her like you would your fiance. Sure you'll be fine. (:

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Re: I Want It To Crash Down - November 1st 2017, 03:18 AM

Hello Cass,

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I also think that if you are having a hard time then you can tell you're counselor about what you are going through right now. Write everything down in an email and you can get all out of you and ask for help with this. You're counselor knows you and what you're going through. Please don't be ashamed to ask for help everyone needs help with something every now and then. As soon as you're able to ask for help you will be able to get help sooner. The more you keep it inside of you then it's harder for somebody to not help you with this. I know that it's hard to not ask for help sometimes and you don't also want to, but if you want to ask for help you can do this.

Also you can try going for a walk or putting on music and a funny movie or TV show to help pick yourself up. I hope that you will be ok soon. Lots of hugs.
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