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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Chaotic_ Offline
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I don't want to do this anymore. - December 16th 2017, 05:04 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My brain won't shut up ever.
It keeps telling me I shouldn't bother, why are you trying, it doesn't matter, you don't matter and it's just sooooo exhausting.

I know that none of these are true but they feel true and it really hurts.
I want to say that I'm stuck in my "casually suicidal" like I think about it and what it would be like, but it's not like I'm planning it. I also think what would happen if something were to accidentally happen. It's not like I truly want to die, I just want these thoughts to go away.

I've been seeing a counselor and he knows that I have these thoughts every now and again. It's just always hard to bring them up when they're happening due to a bad experience with the counselor I had prior to the counselor I'm currently seeing now. My current counselor have never mentioned hospitalization (which I'm so thankful for) but the one I had before him constantly through over my head for things as simple as cutting. So it's been really hard to talk to my current counselor about it even though he's proven to me that he's a trustworthy person.

I'm just always scared the more detailed I get the bigger the chances are he could do something like my previous counselor. And like I said I don't want to die, I just struggle with intrusive thoughts of "why does your life matter." and it's getting exhausting not sharing these thoughts with anyone else.

Plus I have a bunch of people in my life who are pulling me in all directions. Consistently needing my help, to vent, to hang out, to do something.
And I'm over here drowning but piling more of there stuff one me because I don't want them to suffer through what they're going through alone and I don't want to be a bad friend and cancel on my friends, even if it puts me at risk of not getting what I need from life.

It's all just a hot mess right now.
I have one more counseling appointment before Christmas and then I have to wait two weeks to see him again (I go once a week) and that kind of scares me as well. Because he's been my safety point, I can make it a week as long as I have somewhere safe to check in. I'm not going to have that over Christmas and that worries me.
   
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Smile Re: I don't want to do this anymore. - December 16th 2017, 05:24 PM

Heyyyy,
I recognize you from a few other threads and from what I've read you give great advice and you're very supportive.
I think just as you take time to help people and your friends, you should take some time to focus on yourself... because your mental and emotional health is just as important as any other person.
I am a person who can relate to what you feel and the best advice that I can give is to cling to thoughts of people and things that you love whenever suicidal thoughts cross your mind think about all the people that love you and how sad and hurt they would feel if you happened to die.
Always remember their are people that love you and care about you, and that you have a great purpose in life and you make great difference in the lives of many, here on TeenHelp

pm me whenever you feel like talking
   
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Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: I don't want to do this anymore. - December 17th 2017, 06:45 AM

Hello!

I do think that your life does matter... but I also think that there are certain events in your life or some past pain or loss of meaning (Same thing as what I am going through right now.. ever since I lost my best friend ) . But you have to know that your life is important. You can question your existence, but you can never question the fact that you're important, precious and loving.

Rather than thinking about life and what does yours mean, perhaps you can think of it as "I can be whoever I want to be,and I'll achieve whatever I want to achieve."That might help.

Also, feel free to take a break off those people who want your help.Sure.. it's good to help people. But when you're overloaded, you need some time to yourself to relax and calm down too.

Hope this helped.You deserve happiness.. an infinite amount of it.

Much kindness and warmth,
Darren


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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