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Thinking Offline
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I honestly don't know how to feel about this. - January 11th 2018, 03:17 PM

Before I start, please, please dont hate me or think that I am writing stupid stuff or anything... I honestly had nowhere to ask for help anymore since no one is understanding... And I know it sounds bizzare since many people thought I am crazy.

(I honestly thought it would be better to use HelpLink but i think it would be faster to get replies here?)

So my A level results were out yesterday, and I got 4A*. So with this hopeful feeling I went to ask my teacher how I did (the actual scaled scores), and turned out to be 94 92 93 90 for Maths Physics Chemistry and Further Maths. I can distinctly remember how dissapointed I felt when I saw the scores. I even expected a 100 for Maths and Further Maths.. I actually resorted to the scores hoping to apply for scholarship, and this is not a even a decent score, and I dont even think I need to try applying for scholarships anymore.

I just want to cover my ears and not listen to what other's saying.. I feel ashamed and humilated. I know I am horrible and twisted, but i feel worse when they congratulate me. I know they dont mean it but it sounded like salt on wounds. It was more than 1 year of studying up to midnight every single day.. yet the results still dissapoints me. Depressed, I went home. And right then I received an email.

I got into Cambridge's Trinity College. I re-read many times. It wasn't my dream.

I honestly can't believe it and for MANY years I had never, never felt this happy before that I could almost in tears. My parents are soooo happy for me, and this time the congratulations feels real and I am genuinely happy. I had a good sleep, like after so many years.

..........

But the next day was horrible, so I went to school to get my provincional results, and idk how everyone knew I got 4A* and were congratulating me. They even wanted to interview me (which I awkwardly rejected them). I was reminded on how bad I did in the exams again.

Yet I had to be okay with this. I can't tell anyone that I feel sad. They will hate me even more and worst, to say it directly if I say so. I would rather to have them fake it by congratulating me. Honestly it felt worse than yesterday in school. I am just trying to remember that I got the Cambridge offer, but even that I am doubting myself even more and more. Its hard cruel fact that I did badly and literally lost the shot for even try to apply for scholarship. Without it I am bound to stay in my home country again (because its deadly expensive)

I really, really want to treasure that happy feeling yesterday and I dont want to forget that. I don't want to ruin it with what happened today. I don't want 10/1/2018 to be remembered with my A level results. I know if I keep on getting depressed this is bound to happen, but I don't know how anymore.

Right now at some point I am questioning myself am I really worthy of this offer.. Why would they give the offer to a person who did badly in their exams.. Or possibly I might not even catch up with the university even if I attend it, and worst would be to drop out of it without graduating. As I thought of this I feel ashamed of myself again.

I am sorry. Maybe I shouldn't even have write here at all. I am sorry.


Do my best at everything I can to live a happy, perfect life.

Happy life won't come by being happy everyday. Struggle and always work hard.

Forgive other's imperfection, they will work hard about it once I point it out to them, just like what I should be doing.

On the other hand, never tolerate with my own mediocrity. Never slack and always strive improvement.

Never settle. Never give up.
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Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: I honestly don't know how to feel about this. - January 13th 2018, 11:29 AM

I get the feeling that you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself... You might have messed up on one or two questions.. but what about the other 38 you did well on? You're not giving yourself enough credit.

But I do think that they should probably not talk bout your results so much... and frankly its probably good that if you let the talk about results slow down.. because I know how people compare results. It puts pressure on you.

I also think that you're worthy. And you're worthy of anything you want , because you're a talented, nice individual who fights for his dreams.

Stay strong.. things will be okay .. for you.

Much kindness and warmth,
Darren


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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