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NickMoscow Offline
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Unhappy Why should I go on living? - March 24th 2018, 09:38 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My name is Nick, I am 23 y.o. living in Russia. I have a decent job, heavy workload but it pays off. I rent an apartment and I eat healthily, travel a lot and so on. Sounds like my life is normal but it's not true. Nobody knows I am constantly nervous, although I seem to be very confident and nobody knows I am gay. I realised it about 6 years ago and I still can't accept myself. No one will understand and it's huge shame in Russia, I might lose my job and people I know will turn their backs on me.
I don't have many friends, I have just one friend but I can't share lots of things with my friend. My parents want me to get a girl, get married and have kids and I feel like I disappointed and failed them. I will never be able to let them know as it's like a crime and death in their minds. My father hates such people.
I tried to commit suicide 2 or 3 times but I failed to do it. Now I am thinking everyone has goals in life, they motivate them. I used to have goals in life but I did not think it would be that much difficult to live. I don't see any points to live longer as I'm stuck at the dead - end job, no one cares about me (my friend and family probably do but they will live without me just fine), I have to keep this secret for my life and I need to make excuses for the fact that I don't have a girlfriend and so on.
I don't know how to live without any goal in life, keep on working and basically live every day.
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Svisttt Offline
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Re: Why should I go on living? - March 27th 2018, 05:03 AM

Hello! Sorry it took a bit for you to get a response!

I know it can be a major struggle when there are high expectations put on you, and no real goal to push you forwards. This might sound a bit cheesy, but ironically, staying alive to find a goal to keep you going is an amazing reason to keep holding on.


Reading through some of these posts have helped me a lot, and while most of these things are minor, sometimes the little things make life special.

It's very, very hard to lose sight of the love around you. Even if it's from one person, there will always be someone around who cares about you. There will always be someone who misses you. I understand that these are just words, and I don't know very much about your life, but keeping that in mind has helped me through many things.

I'm sorry if I haven't been able to help out very much- I mostly just wanted to let you know that there is hope and if you need anything, feel free to come back!

"hold me
whatever lies beyond this morning
is a little later on."
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TraitorBaby Offline
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Re: Why should I go on living? - March 28th 2018, 12:22 AM

That seems like a really big burden to bear. And it also sounds like a very toxic environment. I just think you should know that it's ok to be this way. It's ok to be gay, to not have a girlfriend, and you shouldn't have to feel ashamed or like your a failure simply for something that you didn't have a choice in. If it's who you really are, then theres no way you can change that, but at the same time there's nothing wrong with it either, it's just who you are.
A lot of the depression is steming from this, right? Nothing is really going to change if in the end, you don't accept yourself. Trust me it only makes things harder. No one else will be able to accept you for who you are if you don't.
But I also understand the stigma around it, too. I've heard horror stories about the homophobia over there. You speak good English, maybe you. Could move somewhere else? Maybe then you could surround yourself with people and a society that are accepting and supportive. It might be a fresh start for you, and a good reason to live....
Whatever you do, just know that you've done nothing wrong, and its alright. I hope you feel better...
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