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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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The Darkness Offline
Nothing Began Everything
Junior TeenHelper
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Name: Raphael
Gender: Nonbinary (They/Them)
Location: California

Posts: 337
Blog Entries: 13
Join Date: February 27th 2010

Two things: - April 15th 2018, 08:09 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't want to die. I don't want to kill myself. But something tells me, some sort of feeling within says that I'm going to die. Somehow. I don't know.
I've been hearing voices again. They have names but I don't want to identify them because if i do then it just makes them more and more real. Sometimes I wonder if it's some plurarian thing you know the whole headmate thing? But at the same time it could just be my schizophrenia acting up. They tell me things I don't wanna hear. They say things that I don't believe. Sometimes I could be thinking something and then some voice says something about what I'm thinking or even doing that seems so bizarre and not like me that it shocks me. They tell me to kill myself or harm myself in some way, and they tell me somethings I would never repeat or think of in general.
The other thing that's been bothering me is that I've been going as Raphael for a while now in the irl. Everyone has been super positive about it, accepting about it and respecting my name and even my pronouns. Except one person: my housemate. They keep referring to me by my now deadname and I have strong evidence to believe that it's intentional. No matter how many times everyone else and I say it, they still use my deadname. The thing that bothers me the most is that they call themselves the biggest trans advocate out there but they don't support me, someone who falls under the trans umbrella, and my name. Sometimes when they and my other housemate are talking I know they talk about me but they use she/her pronouns instead which is so messed up wtf. They've been acting like I shouldn't be in the house and they even say things like come to my house instead of our house but only when they are referring to me, never when they refer to my other housemate. It's like I don't belong in the house. The other day when I finally got the guts to tell the whole group about my name update, they were talking to some freshmen and said about how next year they'll be living with one of our other friends and how great it'll be and everything (the whole thing was "me and (other housemate) are currently living with (my deadname) but (deadname) has to go away so it's just gonna be (friend) and (other housemate) it's gonna be great") basically making me feel like I'm just gonna disappear or smth. At first I thought they just forgot about my name for a second and it slipped, but it's been like 2 weeks since I announced my name change and still nothing.
I'm too intimidated to say anything because of the whole thing I dealt with last year with friends. It's just an awful time because of so many things with that housemate and how disrespected I feel. I can't say how I feel because I just know they'll use that to their advantage and call me a bitch or find some other ways of messing my reputation with the others. I keep thinking i should just tell everyone in the group about what they've been doing to me but that's petty and I dont wanna do that anymore. It's bothering me so much, and also
Omg I feel this post is so long because so much has happened in such a short time I feel so overwhelmed and the voices are saying things and i dont know I just feel so attacked it's like why is god doing this to me is it because I reject my legal given name and reject my legal given gender identity is that it like if i was born this way why am I struggling this way?

I don't know I just don't want to die and I feel like it's coming soon whether I like it or not.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
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