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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Counted Heart. Offline
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Coping with reality. - October 2nd 2018, 03:53 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

What do you do when the seemingly irrational thoughts caused by your mental illness turn out to be true?

When I was in high school I struggled with a lot of things - depression, anxiety, self-harm, self-worth issues, etc. It got to the point where I almost ended my life, and even while I was recovering from that low point I was plagued by thoughts: What if my friends don't care about me? What if they can't or won't support me? What if I end up alone?

And here I am. My parents are dead, my sister pretty much abandoned me, and even though I reluctantly put my trust in my friends, none of them came through for me. The past year, I've been more alone than ever. I just... I needed someone, anyone, to step up for me. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when your friend is struggling? You don't just say I'm here for you or Tell me if I can help. You just do it. You help them even if they pull away, especially if they pull away. If one approach doesn't work, you try something else. You don't leave them alone for months because you're unable to recognise when they're struggling or unsure how to help. They shouldn't have to specifically say I'm hurting and here's how you can help me. It shouldn't be their job to tell you how to support them. You should keep trying because you care. Because you love them. Don't you?

I don't know. I reached out as best I could. Tried to explain my feelings, tried to make plans, but nobody followed up and eventually I stopped trying because there was no point. Even now, when I'm literally spelling it out, nobody gets it. I'm still the one putting all the effort in, even though I don't have anywhere near enough energy for that, but if I want to keep my friends I guess I have to push myself to feel better, to be better, because nobody was there for me when I was at my lowest. When I needed support the most. When it was beyond damaging to be left alone.

This is how I felt in high school: alone, unloved, hopeless. Except this time it's real, and I don't have to wonder anymore. I don't have to consider whether my friends care or whether they'll be there for me. Because I know the answer now, and it's just like I always thought. My friends don't care enough to keep trying to help me; they don't love me enough to actually be there for me. How do I keep going under the weight of this certainty? When I'm living out my worst fear and looking ahead to a miserable, lonely life like I always thought I'd have? Especially knowing that I tried as hard as I could to avoid it and I still ended up here? Everything seems really dark right now, and I just... don't even know how I'm supposed to continue, let alone why.

let no science fix our path
if only numbers make its math.
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Re: Coping with reality. - October 2nd 2018, 08:08 AM

Wow, I am so sorry you went through with all this. I can see why it's a struggle, as death and abandonment can hit you hard. I wish I knew how to help, but I highly suggest you see a therapist or counselor nearby. There's also ones online as well. If you need to talk, I am here.

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Re: Coping with reality. - October 5th 2018, 07:53 PM

I'm so sorry to hear how unsupported and unloved you feel by your friends, especially when you lost both parents and don't have much of a relationship with your sister.

Difficult times can sometimes be a 'make or break' for friendships. And depression in general can make us see the world in a negative way. So it's super hard when these things collide and what started out as thoughts of friends not caring seem to become a reality and when you look to the future and see loneliness.

But there is hope. It doesn't seem to be much to hold onto, I know. But you don't know what the future holds. I have been the friend that left another friend alone during a dark time because I didn't know how to support them. We took a break from each other, and then re-connected. I learnt more about mental health, paid more attention when my friend was disappearing and made an effort to check in more. Sometimes people can surprise you and step up, other times it's sad when friends don't do this but it doesn't mean you will always be lonely. There are people out there who would stand by you...it may just be that you haven't met them yet

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Re: Coping with reality. - October 20th 2018, 09:52 AM

I just wanted to thank you both for your replies. I'm about to start therapy again so hopefully that will help, but it's just... been rough for a while, I guess.

let no science fix our path
if only numbers make its math.
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