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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Why bother? - October 6th 2018, 02:30 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

TW: suicide, addiction, grieving
I really don't see the point of suffering through life anymore. College is too much, but I'm in too much debt to quit. I'm supposed to graduate this semester, but I'm not sure that'll happen because all of these classes are beyond impossible. 85% of the entire semester is essentially due in the next 2-3 weeks and I'm way behind, and I have such low energy from pushing myself so hard in school that I can't get caught up. Not to mention, the grief of losing my cat is still weighing me down constantly, but I don't have time or energy to address that. Or to address all the other recent trauma. And however hard I try, it's not enough. Recovery is about the same; everyone's disappointed because I haven't made enough progress, and I have no one to reach out to anymore, so why bother trying anymore? I hate sobriety/being clean because I just suffer instead of getting even temporary relief. If I don't kill myself, I will probably relapse. I don't see another way. I'm just so tired of everything. I don't want to try anymore because I just end up hurting the ones I love. That's all I have time and energy to write now, and I don't want to waste too much of anyone's time.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.
   
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Re: Why bother? - October 7th 2018, 07:42 AM

It sounds like you are in a ton of pain and maybe feel like a burden, but I want you to know you are not wasting anyone’s time. WE are here for YOU. I completely understand how low you can get regarding school, especially with trauma and the passing of a beloved pet. But I really want to encourage you to see how close you are to making it through. I believe in you. Please, reach out to someone to talk to and to help encourage you. Whether it’s me, or hopefully a friend or family member. You CAN make it through this, I promise you 100%. Please try, please reach out to someone to talk to. I am available, I’m sure plenty of people on TH are available. This is NOT the end all be all of situations. I have been through severe depression and I absolutely know what it feels like to just not want to keep going. Where the energy just to get up and shower is almost too much. Don’t give up. We are here.


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Re: Why bother? - October 9th 2018, 12:06 PM

I really don't see any other way out, and I don't have the support I need because I'm too much for everyone to handle... I don't have energy to keep trying anymore. I don't want to keep trying anymore if it's only going to get worse, which is all anyone tells me now. "You think it's bad now? Welllll wait til you get to the REAL world."


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Re: Why bother? - October 10th 2018, 07:06 AM

So take a break. Don’t keep pushing yourself to meet expectations that wear you down. Who cares if a few things get pushed back? School is not more important than your life. This IS the real world, you’re living it on a daily. Fuck what everyone else says. If you’re too tired, then take a break. Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t kill yourself. But take some time to let yourself de stress. We can get so bogged up in our heads with responsibilities that we don’t come out of it or we don’t remove ourselves from the pressure. Of course I’m sure if I knew more about your life I could help target my words more but try to apply it. Dying is not the answer. Dying gives everyone else your pain. It truly does. You don’t need to have energy or to try, all you have to do is keep living. And keep living until one day you do have energy. Because that day will come. I don’t want to tell you cheesy stuff or anything but I’m telling you my personal truth.


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Re: Why bother? - October 11th 2018, 06:22 AM

Is there a counselor at your college you can talk to? Helping you isn't a waste of time. You are capable of doing anything.
I think you raise your expectations too high. Sit down, relax a little, and write down small, realistic goals. Say, you have a D in English and you want to reach an A. You start slow, and make a goal to reach a C. And elaborate like: I will study for two hours and get help if I need it. (Some colleges offer free tutors).
Life definitely has ups and downs. But, you can live through this! I know you can. Take breaks, allow time to recover, and find healthy coping mechanisms.
Debt can be stressful, but I believe a college counselor can guide you in finances as well as emotional and academic support.

If friends think you are too much to handle, they aren't friends. Is there close family that can help you too?



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Re: Why bother? - October 11th 2018, 07:38 PM

I can't take breaks.. I'm so far behind and nearly everything major for the entire semester is due in less than 8 days (and it would be a hell semester even if I had until December). I need to pass. I can't handle yet another semester and more debt if I don't. If I don't get it all done in the next week I will actually fail multiple classes and not be able to graduate.

I've talked to my addiction counselor--she's the only counselor I'll talk to at all because she actually understands where I'm coming from. But I don't have another appointment until 2 weeks from now. It's a big university, so I'm lucky to get an appointment every 3-4 weeks.

I don't have energy or time for healthy coping mechanisms. Or even unhealthy ones for that matter. I need a couple years off, but that's not doable. I need a month or two to just sleep and nothing else. And my family doesn't believe in mental illnesses and think that addiction is a choice.


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Re: Why bother? - October 12th 2018, 04:47 AM

Okay, real soon you will experience burn out and may be burned out now.
Next class in every class, talk to your teachers. Ask if they know of any study groups and even if they say no, ask around the class.
If you are unable to find a single study group I recommend this.
1. Relax, take a deep breath.
2. Measure out the amount of homework and how big it is and how difficult it is.
3. Or, at least separate by class.
4. Take an hour on each subject or assignment at a time. Plan what you'll do the next day.
5. Ask your teacher if they can extend the deadline. It won't always be successful but hopefully at least one will allow this.
6. Find free tutors. Most can be online.
7. At least a one minute break before you go insane.

This feeling won't last forever. Get through it. Once the semester ends, find some coping methods and take a day off if possible.

Good luck!



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Re: Why bother? - October 12th 2018, 12:42 PM

I got burned out last semester and didn't get to rest before this semester. Study groups won't help with these papers I don't have enough time to research and write. There's just not time, even if I rush through everything. Time management is easy, provided I have enough energy to follow my plan. But I don't. I just can't work on a ton of difficult school work for 15 hours per day, 7 days a week, but I need to (at the minimum). I got behind from trying to rest and not work more than 8 hours per day, 6 days a week. Now everything's due in a week. And the profs have said no extensions. Some deduct points off your overall grade for asking.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.
   
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Re: Why bother? - November 11th 2018, 04:33 PM

I am very pissed off studying, I am very annoying at the moment .. I am already tired of cursing with teachers and with my parents. But I can’t do anything with my studies. I'm lazy.
   
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