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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Offline
Beauty and Bedlam
Jeez, get a life!
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Name: Eli Quinn
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The Waiting Game - October 7th 2018, 10:29 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been depressed (this time around) for six weeks now, on the tail end of a three-year-long depression. Things got better for a few months earlier this year, then they got bad again this summer (due to BPD, though, not depression); I was fine for about two months, but then this depression started, and it's deep. I can barely get out of bed. I'm not able to go to school anymore. The only time I can remotely function is when I am with my family, especially my partner. They can inspire me to get out of the house and do things. But by myself I just stay in the house, doing nothing, because I can't concentrate on anything due to the depression. I just stare at the wall and talk to my partner on Facebook.

I can't live like this. I'm not suicidal most of the time and I don't have any access to methods of offing myself but sometimes the suicidal urges are really strong and it still sucks. My psychiatrist is basically having me play the waiting game. She only changes one thing at a time, and yesterday she didn't even change anything. I feel frustrated and unheard. The pills aren't working; SSRIs make me manic and agitated, even with my mood stabilizers increased. I want to try ECT again, but I don't think the doctor in charge of it at the hospital will let me because it didn't work last time. Since that didn't work I want to try Ketamine infusions, but my doctor doesn't want me to do those because I have problems with dissociation (or used to, anyway), plus it may not be covered by insurance. And TMS doesn't generally work if ECT didn't.

I'm running out of options and it makes me feel hopeless, like I'll never get better. I feel like nothing is ever going to work and I might as well die. I'm stuck in this loop where I have a few good months and then I'm back to crippling depression, and I don't want to do it anymore. I'm not sure what I'm asking for. Maybe I just needed to get this out there. I don't know. But thank you for reading.

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Green Yoshi Offline
The screwdriverneedsgas!
I've been here a while
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Re: The Waiting Game - October 18th 2018, 06:20 PM

Just think about it this way:You've got out of this once. You can do this again. You're way stronger than you think you are. A lot better and determined, too.

Just think of it as a road you've trod down before. You know the way out, do you? Just keep walking that road again until it's second nature. Also, while you're at it, fill your life up will more positive things. You need the positiveness right now, more than ever.

I'm always here if you need someone to rant to.

It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.

rant to me if there's anything!



As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
raget Offline
Welcome me, I'm new!
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Age: 24

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Re: The Waiting Game - November 7th 2018, 08:31 PM

I understand you, sometimes I have such thoughts, sometimes I get bored.
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game, waiting

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