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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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magic Offline
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I haven't posted here before, but extremely depressed? - May 29th 2009, 06:28 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

"suicide is selfish" Every morning, I wake up around the same time. Some time between being annoyed at my alarm clock's constant ringing and being aware of my own existence, I begin to feel an extremely heavy weight upon my chest. There's nothing on it, of course, but it feels as if there's a two thousand pound heavy bag on my chest, and there's no way of getting it off. It's like I'm trapped and it feels as though I'm suffocating. The weight is crushing my soul and I don't know how much longer it can survive. There is only one way for my soul to escape, but that would involve me leaving my body permanently. Imagine the apocalypse being proven to arrive in 30-minutes. Imagine the constant coverage on all of the news networks, such as CNN. Would you watch it? You know there won't be anything positive on, it would be one melancholic report after another, you know it won't get any better. Although that's a rather extreme example, that is what my head is like to a milder degree. When I wake up, I do not think about how wonderful the weather must be today, or how I can't wait for my friends to see my new shirt (as most kids my age do). I think of how I will cover up my crying at the most inappropriate times during the school day, how I will avoid embarrassment as I sit alone in the corner of the classroom in every single class, if I'll even bother getting a table or just eat in the bathroom stall again, and I imagine my own funeral. I imagine my own death, something that I planned when I was 12. These thoughts race through my head for a few minutes and I know that the thoughts will only get worse throughout the day. I am not a outcast physically, and I wear normal clothing. I don't imagine death as something completely awful, and I do believe in God. I believe in the afterlife and I believe that death is something peaceful, not something to be feared. However, I don't know if these thoughts that I get will prevent me from ever even seeing heaven. I don't know how to change the way I feel, I did not choose to want to die every single day, I did not choose to be emotionally numb but I know that it is not accepted in this society. I don't understand how people can say that suicide is selfish, those are the same people that tell you to take time off for yourself. When you can't feel all that much joy, no matter how much time you take off, it won't help. Even if you can feel a bit, it won't be enough. Those people telling you that it's selfish aren't enough either, you see they're the exact people who ignore you in the halls and gossip about you every chance they get. They're claiming that it's selfish to end your life, because it will cause them emotional pain. They do not know the emotional pain some people go through every single day, nor do they know how much they have probably contributed to it. Someone you worked with every day for four years kills themselves, you never bothered to say hello to them much less invite them to the work outings, you don't know their last name and you can't even remember where in the office they worked considering it's been a week. Can you really call them selfish? Am I expected to live for the people at my school who never even bother to invite me to sit with them, who ignore me so that I end up doing most 'group' projects alone, the counselors at school that have laughed at me when I came to them with my problems, my friends who have no problem talking about me behind my back, and even sharing the things they talk about with me, or the countless strangers who would probably gossip about me if word got out of what I'd done? I know that I'm only 16 right now so I haven't experienced everything you're supposed to yet, but I don't see a point in everything. There is only so much rejection that one can handle. There are days where I just feel so empty on the inside, where I hurt myself physically to distract the attention. I am called an attention seeker for that on the internet although there is nothing that I hate more than attention. I probably sound extremely stupid right now, but I'm just having a bad night. I've even spent almost twenty minutes typing this. I guess on most days I wish I was never born.
   
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Re: I haven't posted here before, but extremely depressed? - May 29th 2009, 07:12 AM

I'm really sad that you feel like this. It seems like life is kind of knocking you down, and it breaks my heart even though I don't know you. I odn;t know if you know this, but you are a really great writer. You've got that going for you. I don't really know what to say, but if you ever need someone to talk to that understands where you're coming from, my contact info is on my profile, because I certainly feel like I could have written a very similar story. Any time you need, someone, I'm here
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Re: I haven't posted here before, but extremely depressed? - May 29th 2009, 11:50 AM

Hey magic. If your so-called friends are back-chatting then they are not your true friends and it's time you found some that will sit with you and be loyal and stuff. You seem like a great potential friend and rather than make effort with them, find others who aren't such bitches.


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Re: I haven't posted here before, but extremely depressed? - May 30th 2009, 01:26 AM

Suicide is not selfish. The people who say this assume you live just for them.

Stay alive for you. You'll die when you're ready, and I don't think you are. Figure what is causing you agony and purge this aspect from your existence, or find someway to live around it.

Stay strong.


myspace.com/lonesome_fish for poetry. I like feedback sometimes. And I like smiley faces .
   
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Re: I haven't posted here before, but extremely depressed? - May 30th 2009, 10:18 PM

Of course I'd get friends that were loyal if I could. If you can't make friends, staying with people who hate you is better than being alone 100% of the time. Even if you're just with people 2% more.
   
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Re: I haven't posted here before, but extremely depressed? - May 31st 2009, 04:28 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by magic View Post
I probably sound extremely stupid right now
False. While I was reading your post, I actually thought, "Wow, this kid makes really cogent observations."

I'm sorry to hear that the community you're in right now is really unsupportive. They suck. But don't let them get you thinking that you do. I guess the best (and possibly most frustrating) advice I can offer right now is the "stick it out" line. But... that's because I quite clearly remember the years I spent as either a social outcast (because I failed to get myself into a group by sharing their gossip or, when I manage to somehow fall into one, would get myself kicked out by associating with those who weren't accepted) or what I think of as a loosely attached "drifter." It wasn't until rather late in high school that maturity really kicked in and things in generally got a little more accepting. And while things weren't "rainbows and sparkles" all the time, I did actually come to have friends. Real ones So hang in there.

And hey, you deserve to take GOOD care of yourself in the meantime, too. I know SHing can sometimes feel like an "escape," but when things get overwhelming you deserve to be the one to care about yourself. I'm not sure if you've checked out the alternatives list in the SH forum, but there are a lot of other ways to distract yourself there.

And if people aren't treating you the way you deserve to be, don't be afraid to speak up and tell them that it's not cool for them to neglect your dignity. Stuff like that isn't supposed to be compromised. Your happiness and your life are ALWAYS a priority.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I haven't posted here before, but extremely depressed? - May 31st 2009, 05:35 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by magic View Post
Of course I'd get friends that were loyal if I could. If you can't make friends, staying with people who hate you is better than being alone 100% of the time. Even if you're just with people 2% more.
Yeah, but you seem like really social person. Hang with you current friends but don't let them take the piss, because they are lucky to have a great friend like you. At the same time, well, just meet new people. Join a club doing an activity you enjoy just be yourself and people will just warm to you


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