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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Spoons Offline
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Not as depressed right now but still passively suicidal. - December 22nd 2018, 04:38 PM

Either I'm at a dose of medication that works, or it's just temporary because I'm on winter break, but I'm feeling more stable right now by far.

But the passive suicidal thoughts are still there. I still feel like I'm going to attempt suicide one day. Maybe not within the next few months, maybe not even within the next year or two, but I still feel like I'm going to attempt one day.

I feel like I'm going to hit a road block and just attempt. I still can't drive and honestly even driving makes me want to die. But all of the jobs in my chosen field would require a license. And then what if I can't find a job or don't like it after all? The other jobs I've had were all either where my dad worked so I had help from my coworkers who all already knew and liked me, or at CVS and that job destroyed my mental health. So what will a permanent job do?

I've used school as a safety net because it's familiar and I do well, but that's almost over. If all goes well I'll have my Master's in about a year and a half (three more semesters) and will have to enter the real world. And that scares me. When I finished my Bachelor's I got really depressed and I was only out for six months before going for my Master's. And after my Master's, I want a PhD but that won't be immediate... So my safety net is gone.

I feel like at that point unless things line up just right, I'm at risk of attempting suicide. And it's just something I've accepted. I'm going to attempt suicide one day. Eventually I'll give up.

Idk, how do you guys deal with thoughts like that?

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Re: Not as depressed right now but still passively suicidal. - December 22nd 2018, 08:32 PM

Hey Dez,

I'm glad you're feeling more stable right now, but I'm also sorry to hear you're still struggling so much with these suicidal thoughts. It sounds like you've already identified some reasons why you feel like you might attempt suicide in the future - you said you're afraid you'll hit a roadblock that you might have a hard time coping with, and you've also talked about driving, which sounds like it's an extremely stressful experience for you.

I know that all of these things combined can make the future look scary and bleak. Would it be helpful to come up with a plan for what you can do if, as you say, things don't line up the way you're hoping they will? Can you make a list of skills you might be able to use if you find yourself in this position? Similarly, do you have people you can talk to if you're having a hard time? If you have a therapist, could you come up with a plan with them so that you're prepared if you find yourself struggling?

One piece of advice that I might offer, which often helps me, is to break these things into smaller steps and take it slowly. It can be easy to get overwhelmed by the "big picture," but try to stay in the moment (easier said than done, I know) and ask yourself what you can do today to help yourself, whether that's taking some small steps toward your future goals or taking some time for self-care. Try to remember that even if things don't immediately work out, all is not lost. As long as you are alive, there is always a chance that things will improve, and in my experience, they often do.

Even though it's hard, I encourage you to challenge the thought that you will attempt suicide one day, and to not accept it as a fact. Try your best to find hope in each day, even if it's in something small. Try taking baby steps toward bigger goals, as those baby steps will add up to something big one day! When it comes to driving, is there a way you can take it a little more slowly? Don't push yourself too hard in the beginning. Like you, I was an absolute wreck when I first began driving and I honestly did not believe I'd ever be able to do it. While it did take me a little bit longer than others, I can now do it no problem. It might be a long road to get there, but it's definitely possible.

In regards to a job, retail is notorious for being pretty cutthroat. I have worked it before and agree that it certainly does take a toll on you, but I wouldn't necessarily compare that to a job that you might find in Public Health, which I believe is your field. You never know - you might find that you settle into a job in your field quite nicely! But I do understand the feeling of school being your safety net and of being afraid to enter the real world - it's a really difficult thing to think about.

I hope this was somewhat helpful, and I wish you all the best! Take care of yourself.
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Re: Not as depressed right now but still passively suicidal. - December 23rd 2018, 05:47 AM

Hi there! I'm glad that you're feeling more stable - that's a great start. Sometimes, though, it seems like passive suicidal thoughts just like to stick around anyway, even when we're objectively doing better, and that can be really frustrating and disconcerting. I'm sorry that you're dealing with that.

You might consider whether the thoughts feel "habitual" to you or not - do they just pop into your head sometimes, maybe when something goes wrong or even at seemingly random times? Sometimes suicidal thoughts can become kind of a "habit" after a while, and we have them not because we really want to die, but simply because that's our brain's habitual response to something feeling off. If this is how they feel to you, then it can help to just dismiss them on the spot - for example, when one pops into your head, immediately remind yourself, "No, I don't really want to die, that's just my brain being annoying," or whatever works for you - and then move on from the suicidal thought and continue your day. Think about something else. Whatever you do, don't dwell on it and reinforce it further.

If the thoughts feel more serious to you and like they have real intent behind them (like you truly mean them - they're not just habitual), then what I would recommend is taking the mindset of just waiting to see what happens. It doesn't sound like you think you're in any immediate danger of attempting suicide, and it also sounds like you have a lot of things to look forward to! It can be a huge help to just have one or two big things coming up that you know it'll be worth it to stick around for, whether that's getting your master's, or even just a movie or something that you're excited to go see when it comes out. Regardless of what they are, try to find some things that you care about that you can hold onto. It's also amazing how much your life and your mental health can change in just a couple of years, so if nothing else, I think it's worth it to stick around just to see how much better things could get in the very near future! You'll never know unless you're there to find out.

And of course, if you can and if you aren't already, I'd strongly recommend seeing a therapist. Your university probably offers free counseling services, as well as referrals to counseling in the community!

Hopefully this helps, and I truly hope that your situation starts to look up soon! I also think it's very cool that you want to do a Ph.D. - I want to do the same thing. I wish you the best of luck with everything! Hang in there.
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Re: Not as depressed right now but still passively suicidal. - December 23rd 2018, 07:13 PM

Hello Dez, First off I want to congratulate you on the many accomplishments in your life. As someone who is working on her Master's degree I know how hard and stressful at times that can be. I also want to congratulate you on being stable at this time of your life even though you still have those lingering thoughts of suicide in your head. Finally, I would also like to say it is very important that you have also recognized that you see the signs of wanting to commit suicide even if it is down the road and into the future. I believe recognition of those signs will help you in the future. In the mean time I think it is important that you live your life each day to the fullest. Take all that knowledge that you have learned and put it into effect each day. Once you start living for each day and just focusing on each day and simplifying it you may come up with and see many more options staring in your face. You seem like an extremely intelligent person who certainly has a will to strive for larger things. Hell, just completing a Master's degree in itself is a large thing.
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