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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
DiafolEternal Offline
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Going Nuts - December 27th 2018, 02:24 AM

It has been a long time since I have been on TH but currently I thought it might be a good chance to ask for help. This is from mobile so sorry in advance for typos or autocorrect that make no sense.

But I am convinced I am going crazy, I have been both passively and actively suicidal for longer than I can remember. Swapping between the two. I'm roughly 200 days SH free which is an achivment, but I replaced SH with alcohol and I am now a daily alcoholic.

I was fine with this and although the doctor told me the avenues to get help for this I have thought it the lesser of two evils. They also gave me Sertraline which worked at first and deffinatly gave me more good days, more energy ect, it has however caused me to have diarhea for the past 6 months I have been taking it. Which caused me to lose my job since I kept dodging calls and stuff to go toilet.

I have still refused to tell my doctor this as it was the first antidepressant to have a positive effect dispite it being the 4th one I tried . But an effect that has kicked in after 3 or so months of being on it is that I dream now, I never dreamt before or if I did I never remembered them.

I wake up scared and jumping from being attacked, my ceiling is spiders, stupid shit like looking for an item I moved in my dream in its dream spot or interactions I had that never happened. I have no clue what's real and what's not.

Last night I dreamed I finally ended it all, woke up and assumed it was a dream cuz obviously I woke up. Then started getting messages from people on discord and text asking if I can see this and had a legit panic attack and started to believe I was dead. And while 100% awake was convinced I had killed myself or at least tried and ended up in a coma.

I am not expecting help from posting this, just wanted to write it and do not keep a diary or anything. Sorry for wasting anyone's time and I hope you had a good Christmas x
   
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Re: Going Nuts - December 27th 2018, 05:14 PM

Hi Craig,

You're definitely not wasting anyone's time. I definitely know the feeling of feeling constantly suicidal. That's amazing that you're 200 days free of self harm, you should be so proud of yourself. I'm wondering if the alcohol might be triggering the thoughts that you're feeling. Alcohol is a depressant and can also cause a state of psychosis. Psychosis can cause delusions and hallucinations that might have part to do with the way you were feeling when you woke up and felt like you had succeeded.

I feel as though you should consider finding something else to replace the alcohol. I know that it's very hard to quit drinking as I've had to before. One thing I personally noticed was that when I was drinking heavily my medications were not working. They were being countered by the alcohol.

I hope this helps a little bit at least and that you had a good Christmas!

Brittany



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DiafolEternal Offline
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Re: Going Nuts - December 28th 2018, 10:35 AM

Hi Brittany,

200 days is doing well, when I first joined this site 8ish years ago that was unthinkable for me. and although my flesh shows all my failures... the fact its not worse than it is is testament to my successes, few as they are.

I am not saying alcohol is not doing me more harm than good, but it is doing me more good than SH i think... I really cant tell these days.

Psychosis is defiantly a word i would use to describe myself right now and a "trick" a friend taught me a few days ago is to habitually touch my thumb to each of my fingers and count the four. I am unsure how this will help but I am doing it regardless.
He says it is how he has enabled "lucid dreaming" but all of this dreaming shit is new to me and I hate it all... I never feel like I have had the "down time" i used to have. idk if thats just me or a thing?
idk

Anyway thank you, I always try to refuse asking for help as I always feel as the burden
.

Thank you x
   
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Re: Going Nuts - December 28th 2018, 04:24 PM

Hi Craig,

I was in the exact same boat as you, I couldn't even picture going more than a day without SH, but eventually I made it to a year. When I look at my scars, I try to think of it as battles I have survived.

Try not to feel like a burden asking for help. That's what we are here for.

Keep your head up!
Brittany



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stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.”


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Re: Going Nuts - December 28th 2018, 08:44 PM

i think i would benefit you to talk to your doctor. to be honest i thought i was going crazy for a while to. now i can't say i know whats right for you since i am not going through what you are. but if your not honest with your doctor they can't help you. tough truth but thats how it is. hope you get the help you deserve
   
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Re: Going Nuts - January 1st 2019, 08:25 PM

I think you should find the strength inside you to handle this problem and I believe in you
   
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