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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Sadrian Offline
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Name: Adrian
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Location: Northern Ireland

Posts: 1
Join Date: March 16th 2019

Exclamation I live a worthless life. - March 16th 2019, 05:42 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey, I'm Adrian. I don't want to be alive.
I've been struggling my whole life with depression and very low self-esteem, and it's gotten to points where I've attempted suicide, and badly harmed myself. I've been talked down from the ledge by friends on most occasions, and even by a stranger on another occasion. She was even kind enough to drive me home after getting me down off the roof. Despite the efforts from these people to help me, I feel like I'm still sitting on the ledge. I'm depressed to the point that can't look in mirrors without wanting to kill myself; I can't bear how ugly I look. I watch shows where very attractive guys display affection to other attractive guys and it hurts me to watch because I know I can never be like that. And I know anyone who sees those words will just tell me "you're beautiful don't listen to your inner voice" and say I'm not ugly no matter what I look like, but those statements are just... bullshit, for lack of a better word. I'm just purely unattractive and there's no way to fix that. This is what I look like and there's no use sugar coating it. I've never been in a relationship before. The only person I've 'kissed" is my best friend, but it was just some little pecks on the lips. Not proper kisses. And again, I know people will just pour out phrases such as "it's okay if you aren't ready, everyone is different" or "it's okay if you haven't found the right person yet" or various other things people say just to make others feel better. But to that I can say that I AM ready and I've BEEN ready; I'm hopelessly desperate for someone to love me and frankly it's pathetic. I can't look at happy couples without crying and feeling like shit about myself. I'm scared that I'll never find someone who loves me as much as I love them. I don't fall in love easily but when I do I fall hard. I just want someone to hold my hand and hug me and kiss me out of the blue but I'm just too fucking unlikeable no matter how hard I try. I've tried just being myself and when that failed I've tried to be better but there's just no use.
I've used teen help before on previous accounts, but I've truly never felt this lost. I've been on the long waiting list for cognitive therapy for a while and still haven't been called. I've been to the doctor and I'm on antidepressants and anxiety meds but they just make me tired and even less able to do things. I get horrible migraines at night and in the morning that render me crippled in bed, and all of my friends have stopped talking to me except two. The two that are still there are becoming more distant no matter how hard it try to stay close to them and it's really messing with my mind because losing them would be losing everything I have left. My parents have never loved me and I was raped by my older half-brother when I was younger. I've been bullied and beaten for being gay and for being ugly and short, for being strange, for my accent; you name it. My teachers never liked me in school (despite getting generally very good grades) and I was called stupid, unattractive, untalented, weak, pathetic and more by adults I was told I could trust to take care of me. One even said I should be medically tested to see if there's "something wrong with me", because I failed ONE test. Another said I was a bad influence on my friends because of how "depressing" I am, and I was banned from "looking sad" for the rest of my school life. I got sent to the head if I wasn't smiling and pretending to be happy. The same teacher also publicly shamed me for self harming on front of my parents and a group of head teachers.
My dad is an abusive alcoholic and my mum never divorced him because she needs his money and doesn't have a driver's licence. She told me when I was younger that she doesn't love him and regrets ever marrying him, and that's been my example of 'love' and marriage I guess.
My parents nearly abandoned me and kicked me out when they found out that I'm bisexual, and to this day they mock me and abuse me for being myself. I didn't even get to tell them on my own terms, due to social services outing me to them on the phone after I overdosed.
Most of my past friends have abandoned me for various reasons; one even made a blog dedicated to how much he wishes he never met me because I'm such a burden on everyone, despite telling me to my face constantly that he loved me and thought nothing but good things. I have such horrible trust issues that I can only assume was the cause of the downfall of multiple friendships. Everyone always finds someone better than me.
As well as my looks, my weight has also been a major concern in my life. I've been struggling with anorexia for years but nobody takes me seriously since I'm a guy. The doctor told me I'd get over it, my past friends essentially just force fed me and got angry at me, and my parents don't care. I hate my body and it makes me want to disappear.
Last year the only thing keeping me sane was my dog, but he got cancer, and then liver failure, and had to be put down in November. I can't look at dogs the same any more because they just cause me to break down again.
Everything just makes me cry now. I can't do anything without fucking up or having a panic attack and most days I barely move from my bed. I was supposed to be in university this year but I had a breakdown and was forced to take a gap year. I'm moving to Glasgow in August for uni, and even though I'm moving away from my abusers it means I can't see my best friend. He's my life force right now and I don't know what I'll do without him. I'm too anxious to make new friends any more because I don't trust anyone, and I doubt anyone in uni would actually like me anyway.

At this point I really don't know what to do. I'm lost and there's nothing to help me. Nothing can 'fix me' and in truly at the end of my rope. After years of being strong, I can't do it any more.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Latte Offline
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Re: I live a worthless life. - March 16th 2019, 01:50 PM

I am so sorry about everything you've been through. Reading your words, I can empathize with your pain. I can't imagine anyone being "ok", whatever that is, after experiencing so much betrayal and abuse in their life. Of course you'r struggling, and I am so sorry.

I'm sorry that being depressed has affected your friendships. This has happened to me too; it's hard when you depend those relationships to feel better, but I also have the benefit of hindsight and know how hard it is to have mutually beneficial relationships when you're deeply depressed. I am sorry that your friends solution was to withdraw from you instead of trying to help you (e.g. helping you find a therapist).

I'm sorry that your parents have ridiculed you for being gay (or bisexual, I think I saw you say both). I hope you know that spaces like TeenHelp are LGBT+ positive and that you are safe to be who you are here, you're welcome here as exactly who you are. I'm sorry they're also abusive in other ways and that you saw a really disfunctional unloving relationship in them.

I'm sorry that you've been treated badly by other adults. No adult should be making you feel unwelcome at school or anywhere else. Honestly, that's on them for not considering the impact of their words on a young person. That's terrible and unkind. I know you likely aren't able to believe me right now, but it's about them, not you.

Also, I am sorry that you feel ugly and unloved. I just want you to know that loads of people don't have a relationship or kiss anyone while in high school. My husband didn't have a girlfriend until me when we were 22. Another friend of ours was 24 before he met his wife. I'm not saying that it'll take that long; you 100% have the potential to date someone now or later, but just don't build your worth on it ok. (PS, if you're 18, try dating apps, it's helpful, but if you're 17 wait).

I just want you to know you're heard here. The things you've been through suck and aren't the kind of things that help you get rid of your depression. I'm hoping I can help with a few suggestions though.

First of all, please don't die. I know it sucks now, I've been there, but there's a light on the other side that you just can't see right now. You can get there too ok. Please call 911 if you feel you're at serious risk.

Secondly, I think you need to let your doctor know how severe your depression is. Some antidepressants, for example, can worsen suicidal thinking (it's a side affect) and you might need a new medication if the ones you're on are producing problematic side affects. That's a conversation to have with your doctor though.

Third, you need a therapist. Therapy is amazing and worth it. You should be looking for a therapist who is trained in therapies like CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy), EDMR, DBT, etc. -- there are a lot of therapies. CBT is particularly effective for a large number of people, so if in doubt, start there.

Fourth, if you can, move out of your parents. I would do this under the supervision of a therapist, ideally. Moving out might lead to you feeling further isolated so I would want you to be able to check in with a therapist.. Ideally, you can get a roommate who you'll get along with because that'll help with reducing isolation while also leading to a healthier situation by getting you out of a space that is abusive.

Fifth, you need to try to implement some healthy coping mechanisms for some short term relief, in addition to the meds. My therapist gave me this thing called ABC Please Skills - it comes up on Google for me and the one I have is from the Sunrise RTC. It has a lot of great advice about how to build up positive experiences. Things that help me include reading, rock climbing, running, meditation, going out for dinner with a friend (where we talk about things like movies, work, school, NOT our mental illness cause I want to try to have fun), also getting a good grade, or learning a new computer program is fun to me. So please check that out and try some stuff out.

Most of all, please remember that you matter and that the world wants you here. Please try to hold onto that. Please call 911 for help if it gets really serious.

Since it sounds like you've attempted suicide a few times, I feel like more drastic measures might be needed short term, but I honestly don't know what to recommend there.
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