Not enough reasons to live to keep suffering this much

[Tigereyes]

That's basically it. I think about ending my life several times per day. I don't have resources or enough support. I can't get resources or more support. I have more than zero reasons to live, but so so so SO much trauma and even more reasons to die. It won't get better for probably decades. If I'm lucky. It will probably get worse every day for months to years. How much worse depends entirely on the US government.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello,

I'm truly sorry that you are having a hard time with this. I hope that you will be okay soon. You are so sweet to talk to and I wouldn't want to see anything happen to you. I know that you feel like giving up and I understand that feeling, would you be able to try talking to someone about how you are feeling right now, a family member or friend and let them in. Sometimes it can be hard opening up about how we are feeling, when we are able to let one person in, it can take a little of the hurt away. When we are talking to our friends or family member it can be hard when they are not helping. Or try putting on music and listening for a while or a funny movie or TV show or reading or drawing or going for a walk. This article is on how to help yourself too, if you would like to look at this when you have time. It is, https://www.helpguide.org/articles/d...depression.htm I hope that you will be okay soon. Sending you lots of Hugs.

[Tigereyes]

Unfortunately my family is unsupportive and can't even support me financially right now. This is not new. They don't even believe in mental disorders and encourage me to push myself until I get so sick I need to be hospitalized (not with that intent, but they deny that even my physical illness does not make me disabled and think I am 100% normal and healthy). As far as friends, I lost nearly all of them because I was too poor and too depressing. "Just ask your parents for money," they say. My parents don't have extra money. My partner can't handle all my problems on top of all theirs (they have had daily crises too), and I shouldn't only go to them for support anyway. But I have no one else in real life. And a pandemic isn't the best time to meet new people as my state still is only getting much worse, and I'm high risk. Depression isn't new. I was doing pretty good until the pandemic ruined my life. Now I'm powerless until the government does something to not make me likely to come into contact with COVID. If I'm going to die, I don't want to die like that. And I don't want to survive it with worse disabilities and even more debt (from hospital bills). I try to enjoy good moments and do hobbies, but it just doesn't outweigh the fact that I'm jobless and unlikely to get a job before my savings run out. That I don't have enough support and can't get more. That I'm choosing between enough food and healthcare. That I can't afford a single $3 Walmart candle or used book because I might need that $3 for food or gas or utilities. I try to avoid running the AC much even when it's 100-110 degrees outside because it's expensive. Not to mention, my untreated chronic fatigue (as a result of crohns that is treated) is not a clinically concerning symptom, so I don't get treatment for it. So even watching a TV show is exhausting and takes valuable, limited time and energy away from job searching to actually fix the money problem.

[Tigereyes]

I got denied unemployment, so my life is ruined more forever. I can't hold on for nothing, no hope. There is no other way out.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

I'm so sorry for all of this and I wish that all of this would go away for you and you would be okay. I'm sorry you're family is not able to help you out with this and how you are feeling. Are you able to talk to any of the people who you we're working with and see if they would be able to help you out or to just listen to you. I understand about money and I hope that you are able to find another job and you will be okay soon. Sending you hugs to help you.

[Tigereyes]

TW: food restrictions

My work team was very small, and I don't get along with the only coworker who wasn't a supervisor-type. So not really. Talking won't help anyway. It doesn't pay bills. It's highly unlikely I will be able to get a job before I run out of money. I'm trying to reduce my grocery bill by reducing food intake because that's the only way I can save money. But cutting $10/grocery bill twice per month won't pay $1100/month rent...

Also my state is still very bad with covid, so there are no jobs. Not likely I will get one quicker than last time, which took 5 months. And was very bad for me physically and mentally. I need therapy.. in a few years hopefully. I will have $0 to my name come mid-December. And likely no income. That's the biggest issue. I have zero reason to believe it will work out. Never once in my life has anything worked out.

Maybe I should've gone back to work to die. Just like everyone said.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

I'm truly sorry about how you're not able to talk with the people who you have been working with. Maybe when you have time try and Google depression support groups near you or online and see if you can sign up and talk with other people who are going through the same thing as you are. Sometimes when we are talking about what we are going through with other people it can help us some. You can become friends and talk more if you wanted to.

Also try looking into fast food jobs if you can, because some of them are not letting people come inside to eat, so you are taking the orders and handing out the food and you have a big window from you to them so only you're hand is out and you have on gloves and a mask. I hope you will be okay. Hugs to help.

[Tigereyes]

Free support groups have harmed me so much. Because they don't understand. I wouldn't be depressed right now if life was okay and I had sufficient income because I've done all the work for depression. Doesn't get me money.

A fast food job would wreck my body and I can't afford to see a doctor. I am too ill to do that with untreated chronic fatigue. Pushing through could put me in the hospital for a crohns flare up. I don't have money for that. Stock at a grocery store last spring also caused permanent joint problems in both my wrists in less than a month. I haven't been able to afford treatment. And my state is OPEN except gyms and bars. Restaurants are doing indoor and outdoor seating AND carryout. It's honestly scary how we just keep going up 2000+ confirmed cases per day, every day. I'm high risk. If I get covid, I will definitely kill myself because it would be faster. I can't afford hospital bills for that anyway, so I'd just die at home, slowly and painfully. It would likely take months to get a job like that too, and it won't even cover 3/4 of my rent, let alone anything else. I can't get out of my lease, even if I die.

[Tigereyes]

I need to end it. Shit keeps going more wrong, and there's no way out. This is too much pain. It's not worth fighting so hard with so little energy to fight for a life that is irredeemably horrible in a body that doesn't even function. Suicide would honestly be showing myself mercy at this point.

[Mallika]

Hi there,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I'm so sorry that you've had to undergo so much.

I see that you and Emma have been conversing about this already and that a few suggestions have been made. The pandemic has aggravated things, frustratingly so.

Seeing that support groups, family and friends have not been helpful, perhaps you might want to contact a crisis text line/hotline? I know you mentioned that you need therapy and that it will take you some years to save up for it, but there are organisations/NGOs out there that provide suicide and depression counselling for free. Have you tried searching for any in your area? Usually the crisis hotlines/text lines will be associated with such organisations.

Take care!

[Tigereyes]

A crisis line will just commit me to a hospital I can't afford, swamping me in tens of thousands of dollars MORE debt from my existing $30k of debt. And expose me, a high risk person, to covid. Finances is why I feel this way. I don't think free therapy exists in the United States. Sliding scale does, but I don't qualify, and that's still like $50-75 per session with an intern. I don't have that. I didn't make enough for that when I had my full time job with regular overtime. The only way to get "free" therapy is by being a student and paying thousands of dollars of tuition per semester. The general counselors are usually students, and they have caused such bad harm in a few sessions that I could not return. I mean, I nearly attempted suicide later the same day when it wasn't planned because it went so bad. Support groups led by random people are sometimes free, but have often caused me similar harm.

[Tigereyes]

Apparently I now randomly owe Student Loans an extra $2,500 in 3 weeks even though I shouldn't, AND it's supposed to be on pause til Sept 30, not Sept 2! I don't have that.

[Tigereyes]

I think it's time to go. I'm sorry.

Literally the only employer who would hire me last year was completely okay with me dying to barely cover bare essentials working constant overtime. Why would this time be any different, if I'm lucky to even get a job like that again before I run out of money?

[Tigereyes]

I am so fucking done with life. There is no hope at all. No reason to suffer any longer. One person wants me. But they don't need me. So I have no reason to make myself stay. I stand no chance. At least if I end my life before my phone interview today, I won't have to suffer from that anxiety and failure too.

[PSY]

Hi there, Tigereyes!

First, I want to say that I'm so sorry you've been struggling, both before and during the pandemic. I'm located in a state that has increasing COVID-19 cases as well, and it's scary. It can be hard to find hope when you see how some people disregard basic safety precautions, or how government officials fail to take timely action to support those who are unemployed, at higher risk due to medical conditions, etc.

I know a lot of ideas have already been suggested, and you've already tried a number of them in the past (to no avail). I do want to point out that at least three people have shown they care through TeenHelp. While that certainly won't erase all of the pain and suffering you've enduring up until this point, I do wonder how that pushes back on some negative beliefs you may have about your future. Can you really say that NO ONE cares about you? That you don't have ANY resources? Because clearly, that's not true! If that's the case, then what other negative beliefs might prove to be wrong over time?

You seem to be focusing a lot on the financial aspect of your struggles, which is totally understandable! I'm so sorry you were denied unemployment, but there are certainly other options available to you. I used to work at a non-profit that provided therapeutic and psychiatric services, case management services, etc. to those who were unemployed and uninsured. The clients didn't have to be college students. These types of programs are often funded at the county level, and while there can be a waitlist, it's sometimes possible to expedite an applicant's request based on the intensity of their need. I know you haven't shared which state you are located in, but if you're willing to do that, I would be happy to do some research on my part!

I'll end with this: people care about you. Outside of TeenHelp, you said there's one person who wants you... and while you may believe they don't "need" you, imagine the sorrow they would experience if they knew you were gone from their life forever. I know I would be sad, and I barely even know you! So I hope you will consider alternatives to suicide, as challenging as that may feel today. Sometimes, it really can feel like you're taking things one day - even one moment! - at a time. But I am thankful for every day that you are still here. If you ever want more immediate support, we have a great Chat Room with lots of other people that I'm sure will feel the same way I do! I'd love to chat with you some more and understand who you are on a deeper level.

[Tigereyes]

Money would at least fix 90% of my problems, and money would buy me therapy for the other 10% of my problems. I don't have money for resources. My income the first half of this year was slightly too high for me to qualify for any aid, even though I can't afford my rent anymore and you can't break an apartment lease in my state. For most other resources, you need to prove that you have an income (I don't) and that it is too low. I don't qualify for food stamps yet because I have "too much money to my name," but the cut off amount is literally about one month of necessities because rent is so expensive (which I only have because I saved every extra cent while I was employed). Most food banks don't have food because there is low supply and extremely high demand. I don't want to run all over during the pandemic because I'm at high risk and no one follows guidelines--I don't want to slowly die like that, or worse, be more permanently disabled. I wouldn't be able to be independent at all. And I can't pay someone to care for me. And my parents don't believe in covid being dangerous or that my chronic illness means I'm disabled.

(I can PM a couple people my state; I would prefer not to publicly post my location).

I know that a few people care, but no one can help enough to make my life worth living. I have stayed alive for the past 5 years for the sole purpose of not hurting people I care about. I don't hate myself anymore. I don't blame myself. I've worked hard to accept myself, but that doesn't help anything. I actually don't have a future if I can't get a good job soon and some doctor decides to research why my fatigue is so debilitating, but they won't because it's not clinically significant. So my life is work then crash and nothing else. At 24 years old. There won't be some magic cure for it; I have actually studied this in college and read primary and secondary scientific literature to research it on my own because I have no answers. Science doesn't know. Researchers likely won't get funding to research fatigue in a lab.

TW: alcohol abuse
All the nonprofit counseling I can find in my area is sliding scale that saves you 10-40% of the cost. I can afford -$1000/month (thankfully my partner is helping pay for my food and health insurance, but they don't have a good job either and are disabled too. And would need someone trauma educated and queer friendly (who also believes in asexuality and nonbinary). Hard to find that for free. Bad free therapists have previously made me so much worse that I nearly attempted suicide later the same day when it wasn't on my mind before. And I told another I needed help because I was abusing alcohol to maladaptively cope and they said that based on how much I was drinking (compared to a cis man twice my weight when I have a small female body), I didn't have a problem. I asked if I should come back in a few months to a year after I keep drinking enough to reach that amount. If there's by some miracle someone entirely free though, I'll attend virtually when I can find the time and energy between job hunting, new ptsd from my job I quit because of the pandemic, and multiple new emergencies per day (now I probably need emergency dental work after 12 years of my parents not being able to afford a dentist and i cant get my meds and I'm not sure if I can afford my meds on my new insurance (if I don't get them, my body will likely attack itself and put me in the hospital, which I can't afford). This is unfortunately how my situation is. I am $30k in debt because my parents forced me to suffer through college. Plus student loans are likely due again starting next month, and I'm not sure if they will put me at $0 due since I made money the first half of 2020.