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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
RatherBeFlying Offline
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I Need Somebody. - June 2nd 2009, 04:57 AM

Hey, I'll try to describe my situation that wont earn me a "TRIGGERING" thing in front of my name -I've never liked attention, no time to start now.

I'm currently in my Junior year of High School. I play Football although there is no social reward on my behalf - I'm still "un-cool" which is quite fine with me. Two things I love in life - Writing and Aviation; beyond that not much else matters to me. I spend my weekends at the airport and I write while I'm there as well - It really clears my head.

This past year has been horrible. My keen interest slipped away from school and girls and I began to focus on the above-mentioned passions. Ever since I was young, I have developed a substantial self-image issue. I'm rather overweight and everyone at my school seems to be too superficial to give the "big boy" (my nickname) any thought (Like I said I don't mind, its just that it would be nice to talk to a variety of people).

I guess it all started with my AP classes which I found overwhelming. 6 hours of homework a night got real old...real fast - and that was just for AP History. What I'm trying to say is that after trying so hard in my classes, and still getting sub-par grades, I began to give up. It is at this point that my parents - mainly my mother - started chewing me out, telling me I had to apply myself and what not. I shut down and my grades continued to slip.

I'm regularly engaged in bitching contests with my mom - she screams at me while I just take it. Maybe that's my problem...I've always conformed to what other people expect me to be/do...I guess I finally got fed up with it. Thoreau would understand...him and I laugh at conformity...I wish he was still alive; we can learn from what he says.

Lately my engagements with my parents have become more verbal...and each time I get kicked to the ground it's harder for me not get up (not literally, of course). They have started comparing against my sister - a stand out student, Junior at a good college, future Lawyer (following in my Father's footsteps). It makes me feel like shit...like I'm not worth much to them...that they would rather see her succeed. I want to be a pilot, and to them that's not the bread winner and doesn't have the same pedigree as being a lawyer. I'm not good enough. I'm not doing well in school, and now my mom is telling me that I should give up on my dreams and not waste their money.

Over the past few weeks, I've been really distant, so I've been spending a lot of alone time in my room writing and thinking. My mom decided to do a room raid and she found my notebooks - mostly describing my hate for life. This week I have finals and I just don't want to show up for them...just stay by myself. Thoreau said that spending time alone is better than spending time with others - I agree because other people contaminate your own thinking process.

Sure I have thought about suicide before...but I'm too much of a coward to actually do it. I know of a few people who care about me, but maybe the reason I don't think about it more is because society finds it "Selfish". I disagree because no one knows how hurt I am all the time. I'm always the "big guy" with the big grin pretending everything is okay. I just wish that someone else can feel my pain...my sense of disconnect. I've thought about ending it either tonight or tomorrow. It would be so much easier than going through life being overweight and sad all the time. No more nervous break-downs during finals (Today I cried during my final and no one seemed to care...again, too absorbed in conformity (school is the only thing that matters to them, etc))

For those who spent time reading all, or just a part of this post, thank you...it means more than you know. I just want this all to be over with...to run away...to live in the woods without any connections to the outside (like Thoreau). I don't want to deal with the pressures of life anymore...it's pointless.


/*Jon Cotter*/

MAD WORLD
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday - happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen - sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me - no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me - look right through me
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
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Re: I Need Somebody. - June 2nd 2009, 05:14 AM

Hi Jon,

first off, welcome to TH! And sorry to hear that things are so stressful right now. I understand the homework thing - AP's kind of ate up my waking life (and usurped the time that would have been spent sleeping, too) for a while. Well, two years. And I definitely understand AP history frustration - rather glad that class is over with.

And I'm sorry to hear about the strain with your mom - but while I'm more of an Emerson person myself, please remember that you don't have to be who anyone else wants you to be. You matter because you are (okay, that's more Des Cartes, but whatever), and you get to decide who you want to be and to do so in a way that makes you happy. You deserve to grow according to self-discovery and self-composition, not just according to what someone else's idea of who you should be is.

And I'm sorry that people aren't paying more attention (like, the good type of attention, the "recognition" rather than "I'm-going-to-stare-at-you" type of attention) to you. You deserve to be cared about, too. But please know that things can and will get better - communities like the one you're in right now can wake up and mature, and not everyone out there is like the people' you've met so far; there will definitely be people that you'll "click" (but not clique) with more.

Please take care of yourself. You seem like a really cool person, and there are definitely ways of dealing with what's going on that aren't so permanent. Trust me, even though things can feel really unfairly overwhelming, you'd miss out on so much by giving out because of things that can be overcome. There's a quote by Robert Frost, "the best way out is through."

And we're here to help getcha through this and anything.

Hang in there


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
RatherBeFlying Offline
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Re: I Need Somebody. - June 2nd 2009, 05:24 AM

First off, thanks for the reply.

I Just get to a point where I laugh at everything around. Grades for instance - they don't really matter in the grand scheme of life. They are just a mark on a piece of paper that may or may not get you into a prestigious college. I realize this but no one else seems to. I tell my teacher and people I know that I didn't do my homework and they look at me like I have worms crawling out of my nose (or something similar). They are just robots and they don't realize it...society has taught them to like school, like doing the homework, and feel like shit if they get a "C" on a test. I'm the odd man out and it seems like everyone is against me...I just want to...vanish. I've thought about what people would do if I moved along; it's highly unlikely, that besides a few people, anyone would care.


/*Jon Cotter*/

MAD WORLD
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday - happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen - sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me - no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me - look right through me
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
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Re: I Need Somebody. - June 2nd 2009, 05:35 AM

No problem. Anytime

Okay, so while I know that there are things way more important than grades, I still liked school But I think my high school (currently waiting for college to start...) was maybe more awesome than most...

Being the odd man out doesn't mean you should disappear. In fact, it means that you're that much more essential to your community, and to the world population in general. Okay, big statement, but true. But I do understand the "not fitting" feeling - it sucks. But it won't always be that way. There are people out there who'll appreciate your views, probably share a few of them, and care about what happens to you.

And you'd be surprised, how important the connections, however ephemeral-seeming they may be, really are. What happens to you probably does matter to some other people. And yeah, I know that I'm a random person, but it'd matter to me. I tend to care


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
RatherBeFlying Offline
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Re: I Need Somebody. - June 2nd 2009, 05:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by dancer View Post
I tend to care
I'm glad to hear it.
Idk...recently I've thought of what my funeral might be like if I were to find the balls to do it. Who would be crying, who would be there, would they feel like shit -feel my pain I've experienced for the past 3 years? I just don't know.


/*Jon Cotter*/

MAD WORLD
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday - happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen - sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me - no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me - look right through me
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Gixxers rock Offline
should now be "VFRs rock"
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Re: I Need Somebody. - June 2nd 2009, 06:07 AM

If I were you, I'd get the exams out of the way first. They're just adding un-needed pressure to a very tense situation. If you can't seem to study because your mind is on other things, promise yourself that you will think on these things later but that the most important thing you can do this moment is your best at the exams. Not that you must get straight a's or what ever it is your parents are expecting, because no matter how much they squeeze all you can give is your best. And believe you me, studying is much easier when you try not to hate the subject and pretend to enjoy studying for it. This is from a 3rd/4th year engineer student, cause I've been there. Anyway, as soon as that's over with, you'll have some breathing room.

Concerning your career choice and your parents... Since you're still in high school, they shouldn't be giving you crap about wasting their money, because it is their duty to make sure you get atleast a high school level education. If they are refusing to support your career after high school, then it is their choice and your best bet would be to get student loans. Since that's what most kids do, you wont be stuck in a spotlight. When your parents see how passionate you are about a career in aviation and going your own way, to the point of you risking your own (not their) financial wellbeing on it, I'm willing to bet they'll be quite impressed. Remember, it's your life, you should be planning it (easier said than done, I know). I think that would count as giving it your best shot, and you can never do more than that.

Cheers!


I am the Stig's brother in law.


Race me on Gran Turismo 5 Prologue! My nickname is patrakoffman-64
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I Need Somebody. - June 2nd 2009, 06:13 AM

Hmm... well, I've found that considering how tough it can be, it actually takes more courage to live. That's the hard part. But ultimately, it's way more worth it.

Probably more people than you think would be crying. But hey, maybe think about all the people who you wouldn't get to meet, the shoulder-clasps and waves and random hello's or smiles from passers by, all the words you still have to write and the person you still have to become. That's what I'd mourn - not having the chance to become him. 'Cause he seems like he'd be really cool.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I Need Somebody. - June 2nd 2009, 06:34 AM

well you shouldnt end it becasue time heals. and i know it dosent seem l like it right now and it may be hard as hell to think that something could actually happen but it will. well i can understand your wanting to be alone then be wiht others its realzing and better sometimes then being surroudned by poepel that are alwasy happy and cant really see you. but i read your entired message and i know you may not belive me but i would care if you did something or hurt yourself. and like you said you have peopel who care about you and you will soon have more. but please please please dont do anything stupid and wieght dosent really matter becasue we are all peopel and we all have feelings. but if your ever feeling weird or something and you need to talk you can alwasy pm me i will reply


"i wasn't very much fun to be with anyway"
- Slipknot

   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
RatherBeFlying Offline
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Re: I Need Somebody. - June 3rd 2009, 04:04 AM

Thanks guys...I seem to be better now (even with finals tomorrow). I just feel really down and sad one moment and the next I can be perfectly okay. Does something specific cause this? Chemical imbalance in my brain due to diet?...Who knows, but I get sick of going up and down all the time.


/*Jon Cotter*/

MAD WORLD
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday - happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen - sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me - no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me - look right through me
   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
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Re: I Need Somebody. - June 3rd 2009, 04:46 AM

Glad to hear you're feeling better!

And good luck on finals tomorrow!

Emotional roller coasters are not so fun. Could you maybe try talking to your doctor about what's been going on? She/he might be able to help point you towards something more specific...


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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