I want to die but cannot die

[Thinking]

Now I finally know what is "rational depression".

Even robots can feel depressed too, now I know why.

It really means being depressed even after you exhaust every part of your brain and still can't find a way out of it, and tried to ignore every negative feelings.

And yet the problems are still there and makes you worry/depressed every single day. Yes I cannot die, I must live, but it is no better than me saying I want to die.

In fact it felt much worse, just that I don't express it anymore and try to suppress it with rationality.

What is there to my life at all? I have nothing for myself and I can only sacrifice everything for others, so called "loved ones".

Moreover, what is joy to life at all? What is there this world can offer to me? I am not that self centered and I don't believe there is anything this world can offer to me, the world could choose many others instead, not just me.

I can only contribute to this cold loveless world. I don't want to. I hate this world.



I will take a few posts before this and refer to all the advices I have received so far in TH.

However:

>> People might not always understand or know how to help, but they will still care and want to support you in some way.

- What can they do to support, if they don't understand the situation? Yes I am a cold person, and hence I don't see how a few "heart-warming" words can help me feel better, when the lifelong problem is there permanently.

>> Asking for help is never a waste of time nor selfish

- If they can't help me, then I should tell them so so that they won't waste their time. If I keep asking for their advice while knowing they can't help at all, then its selfish to waste their time just to hear a few nice words.

>> I hope that you learn that it is okay to lean on others and ask for help when you feel low

- Okay, but as I said if they can't help then what is there to even lean on them for?

>> There will be ups and downs and moments where you feel you aren't getting anywhere.

- Ups and downs in life.. it sounded as if it will be better when you are at the bottom. But no one knows if they reached their bottom. What could go worse may not go worse, but what's scariest is the things that you least expect to turn bad, went horrendously.

>> There will always be people who want to help you, just have to ask the right person.

- Okay, what is the percentile of such "good people"? Even if they exist, there is a limit to their patience before they give up helping. They are only humans after all and is imperfect, and especially unpredictable when they use their feelings. Practical advices are better and that's why doctors exists, but they couldn't cure it either.

>> People want to help you

- So? Can they help? No.

>> Trust yourself and everything will work out for you

- Even if I am perfect, problems that exists won't disappear just because of faith. If I don't know how to resolve it, then it's delusional to trust myself that I know how to resolve it. Trust should be earned, and I don't deserve that for myself yet. In fact from what "professional" doctors telling me, the problem/disease is uncureable at the moment. Who am I to claim that I can cure it then?

>> Ending your life is not worth it.

- Yeah it isn't, but the alternative is worse. The worst part is I must choose the worse alternative and mustn't die. Neither options are worth it but I don't get to choose something that is more worth it.

>> If you feel lonely, try to spend a bit of time every day video calling or phone calling family or friends

- I suppress loneliness instead. Its my only option because what is family and friends? Family are legal burden and obligation. Friends is a completely useless system as they can come and go at any time - in fact they are meant to be so, as they build their own lives.

>> Staying in contact with other people might help get you through the days a bit more.

- It doesn't. The end.

>> I am here for you and chat with

- No thanks, what is there to chat about?

>> The development of communication means and technology and the pace of life that's now faster than ever. The relationships between people have become shallow

- Yes, I imagine in a few hundred years to come, everyone has their own private enclosed bubble, and that's where they live their entire life inside this bubble alone. They feel "happy" though because everything they need to satisfy their so called feelings, can be obtained virtually within that bubble. They are happy, zero friends & family, and just pure enjoyment.
Just that its virtual.

>> I know you've got certain interests. How about you tried to find people similar to you?

- What is interests? I have no time for that. Maybe that's why I am depressed. There is never time for myself. What about I become more selfish and ask for my wish to die to come true?

>> From my experience, there are always some people hanging around alone on gigs, so that's a great way to meet new acquaintances.

- From my experience, I will only stand there and not say a single word while people talk among themselves. I observe them talking and got bored and left after a few minutes.

>> I'm completely sure you'll find some good friends - just maybe somewhere else

- Where? How can I be sure of it? And even if I am sure of it, what's a good friend for?

>> Do you have a doctor or therapist/counselor you can talk to?

- Medication for depression? So are we going to create happy pills in future? When will these doctors realize that it will never be cured until the root cause is fixed? How about putting everyone in a bubble, and create a virtual world for everyone and make them happy living inside the bubble, and feed them with happy pills whenever they are depressed?
It doesn't work this way. Problems that caused the depression must be cured to its roots.

>> Your life is very, very important.

- Lies. Everyone is normal, only a handful few are exceptional, and a handful few are miserable. Good life must be earned with my own hands, if not then I can expect a miserable life. It is never important by default. Moreover my life is not a single bit important to everyone except my sister and my parents because they need me.

>> You're so kind and caring and you genuinely aspire for really amazing things.

- So what if I am? Then I deserve good things?
So what if I am cruel and cold? Then I should die?

>> I think you have a lot to offer, not just to others but to yourself too.

- I don't want to offer anything to this world, I prefer keeping it all for myself. Does that give me a choice to die? Why must I be kind so that I lose this choice to die, all because "I have so much contribution awaiting to provide"?

>> In the meantime, remember that you are your best companion, and no one else will see through all your days with you other than yourself.

- This is the first good advice I heard. I concur. No point feeling lonely about it as it won't help anything.

>> It's difficult when you have look after family, but someone should be looking out for you too.

- Should? Is there such a thing as "should" in this world? If its a "should" there would be someone there already.


Anyway, these are all of my questions/replies to the advices I received.

In short, I am depressed and I cannot die. Thank you.

[Astro04]

Depression is a really bad animal to make it go away, and probably will never go away. The only thing to do in this cases is to talk about that with a psychoanalyst, but sometimes just talk with another people will help to feel a little better. Just talk.

I might differ from the rest of the pack here, but there is a film I like where a character is at her lowest and she tells her doctor that she doesn't see the point of anything anymore, including recovery. He tells her something I find important: he says that there is no point.

And there's not.

We don't get to decide why we live, or why we die, or why the world is the way it is. What we CAN decide is to create our own point. And honestly if you're gonna say there is a "point," it's that.

I don't know you, and I don't know your experience. Depression sucks, a lot, and it sounds like you're pretty low. You also seem like a pretty rational person, which I gather from the fact you decide to list advice you've gotten before on here, or perhaps elsewhere, and formulate a response. It's handy to ensure maybe you don't get repeat advice, but it also shows me you spend a lot of time thinking and ruminating. It also tells me you're probably pretty isolated, and isolation and rumination can worsen depression.

Feelings are a part of life. They serve biological imperatives, all of them. They are why we have survived as a species. Even the most logical person experiences emotions, and suppressing them will only screw you over in the long-run. I don't know why you're choosing to suppress them, but I am telling you it will end badly.

I'm not going to given you optimism, because it doesn't seem to work with you, and it honestly doesn't for a lot of people, including myself. So I'll give it to you straight-up: you have chosen not to die. Personally I feel this is a good choice, because I do believe everyone deserves to live a life they find worth living, and to experience all that life has to offer to the fullest. That point aside, that is your choice. If it is, I think acceptance would be most beneficial.

When someone has been in the position you appear to be in for so long, it's not easy to just start accepting and letting yourself feel your feelings. So instead, accept that you are choosing not to die. That's just that. You have chosen to live (again, the better choice out of those two options), so move forward and start building a live you find worth living. Make your point.

What you are doing now is not sustainable, so it will require change. Change is not easy, but it is essential to get out of your current predicament. But you cannot spend life simply existing, breathing and consuming and expelling nutrients and waste. No one can. So do something different. Even just a small thing. It will require challenging yourself, and probably challenging these emotions you are currently suppressing. But stop sitting and thinking. Rumination, like I said, is dangerous, and you obviously do a lot of it. Think less, and do more, even if it's a small thing. Doing is what will help you create your point, not thinking. If you're gonna be here, which I think you should be, make your time worthwhile.

As an addendum, talking with people and "happy pills" are not bad things. We need other people to survive; it's how we have survived as a species for so long. As for happy pills, they are simply synthetic chemicals that your brain is deficient in. That's it. Your brain is lacking the proper serotonin or dopamine, and they restore that to the normal levels you need to function. It helps, not harms, your body. Just like any other medical condition. If you're diabetic, you take insulin, for example. If you have thyroid issues you'd take something for that. Hell, even a healthy person needs to take vitamins to supplement their diet and nutrition, as most societies' current diets lack the proper range of nutrients. Ergo, it's okay to take medications for depression.

Basically, everything doesn't have to be terrible. You don't have to sit paralyzed in some purgatory where you don't want to live, but don't want to die. There is a way to live. You just have to make the choice to embrace it.

[Thinking]

Thank you for your reply.

>> What we CAN decide is to create our own point. And honestly if you're gonna say there is a "point," it's that.

- Yes, and hence I am breathing today in hope I can fix the problem. I am depressed because all efforts are not paying off at the moment, and I do not know when, or if it ever will.

>> It also tells me you're probably pretty isolated, and isolation and rumination can worsen depression.

- At least I do not have additional stress and worries from other people. I think most people had bad experiences with others, it would not happen if they isolate themselves a bit.

>> Feelings are a part of life. They serve biological imperatives, all of them. They are why we have survived as a species.

- Love thrives to bring happiness to the people. Romantic love exists which makes us feel attracted to each other and reproduce. Indeed it is why we survived after many generations. Fear makes us alert of the danger of this world and made us actively avoid them. This also serves as our defense mechanism against danger. Just like pain receptors which makes us retreat. These emotions served their purpose that contributes to our survival.

But depression is certainly not one of them. I don't see any benefit letting this emotion survive in my head. If I can kill it I would. I can't, so at best I can only suppress them. This is why I could survive and still being highly functioning till today.

But I don't get to choose otherwise. It's all just to serve my purpose in this world to take care of my family. I can't be just depressed and ignore everything.

And having no choice is even more depressing for me, I don't get to choose.

>> You have chosen not to die.

- I don't get to choose to die. Being alive now is not my choice.

>> Personally I feel this is a good choice, because I do believe everyone deserves to live a life they find worth living, and to experience all that life has to offer to the fullest. That point aside, that is your choice. If it is, I think acceptance would be most beneficial.

- Yes, but it is only if the life is good. And no, some people don't deserve to live a life they find worth living, such as serial killers and evil people. They deserve nothing but death.

And some people who are in need kindness, are homeless, yet where are the people who gave them the warmth they "deserve"? Deserving of something means nothing to me, if its not yours, its not yours.

This is just how cruel this world is.

>> Move forward and start building a live you find worth living. Make your point.

- How? Especially when my life is tied to something lifelong that will hinder whatever I wish to pursue?

>> What you are doing now is not sustainable, so it will require change. Change is not easy, but it is essential to get out of your current predicament.

- Sustainable for life, or not, if that's the only thing left, then that's it.

There are people who served their responsibilities till death and they don't get to choose to abandon it no matter how much they hated it.

It is not a choice. You can be depressed or sickly or suicidal, it doesn't matter. The choice is never on your side and you have to fulfill what you must do before you die.

>> But you cannot spend life simply existing, breathing and consuming and expelling nutrients and waste. No one can.

- But there are such people, and they don't get to choose otherwise. Unless you intend to dismiss such cases, try not to say that no one can. They can, because there is no other choice left. Just like I can be alive today because I don't get to choose to die.

>> So do something different. Even just a small thing. It will require challenging yourself, and probably challenging these emotions you are currently suppressing.

- I am "living a life" on the outside, while in the inside I am waiting for my lifelong trial. Eventually I will have to serve my own prison. That's what makes me depressed. There is no way out of it no matter how "happy" I am in the present.

No matter how good or perfect I try to be, I am still not good enough to know a way to resolve it.

>> As an addendum, talking with people and "happy pills" are not bad things.

- My point about "happy pills" is this: We could have make everyone happy by isolating them in a prison for life, and feed them the pill everyday. They will be happy, but its useless without it. They would realize just how miserable their life is and the "happiness" is nothing but an illusion.

To make someone happy we have to go all the way to the root cause of their unhappiness. Why do doctors can't realize this and make "mental health" a medical issue instead? It is not as simple as "regulating your hormones back". Even if its balanced back today by the pills, it would be unbalanced again the next day, if the cause of unhappiness is still present.

>> There is a way to live. You just have to make the choice to embrace it.

- How? Well, I am not smart enough to figure out a way yet. The problem is unsolved so there is no way to be happy. If its resolved I will be happy the next day.

It is the same as a person who is in prison for life, will have nothing left for them but eventual death. The only thing they can embrace is the fact that they are going to live their life in their cell and die alone. There is nothing left for them, unless they are pardoned to be free.

.................................................. ........

Once again, thank you for your response.

[Thinking]

And about suppressing emotions: May I ask how will it help me, if I let the demon out of the cage, and what it tells me everyday is "I am suicidal, there is no hope in this world, and just die instead"?

It will make me dysfunctional and unable to serve my responsibility in future. It must not happen.