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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
DanniHeartsU Offline
Danielle
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Exclamation My depression won't go away. D: - June 3rd 2009, 10:40 PM

This is my first post.

I'm only thirteen and I've suffered from depression for years. YEARS. It's so hard, I feel so alone. I don't want to do anything anymore. Nothing interests me. My music doesn't sound the same, my photography isin't the same, my writing isin't as great as it used to be. I can't find interest in any of my hobbies or games or any television shows or movies. I feel completely lifeless. I cry all the time too. During the years I've almost comitted suicide several times and I've attempted cutting.

-My real biological dad did drugs, didn't want me, and I haven't seen him in eleven years and never will.
-My new dad adopted me when he married my mom, then they divorced.
-We almost moved out of state, sold all of our clothes and furniture and stuff, and slept on the floor for three months.
-My new stepdad is cruel to me. Tells cruel jokes and makes fun of everything I do. Calls me a three year-old for collecting dolls and liking Hello Kitty.

I had a journal I wrote down everything in. How I've attempted those things, how life made me feel, and sad poems, to express myself. My mom read it and they threw everything at me one day I got home from school. My step-dad yells at my mom and makes her unhappy all the time. I wrote I felt she deserved better. He yelled at me for writing that. They do anything they can to make me feel guilty. And my mom's like, why don't you talk to me? I say, "I don't and can't talk to you because you make me feel guilty all the time!" Her reply? She goes into defensive mode and says she has a right to make me feel that way.

They think I'm all better. That argument? I lied my way through it. I'm a firm believer in first impressions last a lifetime. I feel so alone, so lost, I'm about to cry right now. If I tell a counselor, it'd be the school one and my last day is tomorrow. If I tell my mom, nothing will change. If I ask her to see a counselor, she'll pry anyway she can to see what I said, and then make me out to be a liar.

I'm so scared one day I'm going to go too far. Something bad will happen that I really don't want to. I just need help. Please, anyone?


---Danni :]

"Let peace live and fill the air,
Feel the wind run through your hair,
A message sent down from above,
Instead of hate let's learn to love,"

-An original poem by me :]
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
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Re: My depression won't go away. D: - June 3rd 2009, 11:02 PM

Hey there Danielle,

*hugs* I'm so sorry to hear about all the stuff you've had to go through, honey. And I'm so proud of you for sharing what's been going on! It's really great that you're trying to reach out for help.

First off, don't ever let anyone make you feel guilty for feeling how you do. How you feel is perfectly valid. You're perfectly valid. And honey, you and your mom shouldn't have to put up with verbal abuse like that. Anytime you need to rant, need some support, anything like that, you can definitely come here.

I would suggest going ahead and talking to your school counselor. Letting her/him know what's going on can help just in terms of your being able to get everything out, and your counselor should be able to help figure out what to do about your situation, including finding an outside counselor to go to. Your meetings with any counselor are confidential unless there's worry about you getting hurt, but beyond that your mother shouldn't be able to pry, especially if you let your counselor know that you're worried about that. And counselors understand how parents can sometimes try to do that, and will know that you're not a liar.

So, how does that sound?

By the way, I noticed the poem in your signature - you're a wonderful writer!

Hang in there, hun. And feel free to PM me anytime!


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Christinaa317o8 Offline
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Re: My depression won't go away. D: - June 3rd 2009, 11:05 PM

Hey Danielle,

I just want to tell you first that you're so strong for finding the strength to find help. Depression, to me, is like a war. And half the time durring this war all the battles are lost. Its just not fair. Nobody deserves this pain. And thats something that will always remain true for whoever feels like this.

You've only lived thirteen years but yet you've dealt with enormous obstacles. You have to remember sometimes that you didn't plan out your life and that none of this is your fault and it never ever will be.

You said your biological dad didn't want you. He didn't want to be a father because he was too busy with drugs. This is not your fault! You were two when he left your life, you didn't have an opinion.

Theres nothing wrong with writing in a journal, its great that you did and you shouldn't let anyone or anything from stopping you. What your current step dad is saying to you is not okay. He's only bringing you down, and it seems to me that your Mom is in denial. When people get deffensive, they confuse the truth with their denial. You are entitled to an opinion. Your Mom invaded your privacy and read those things on her own, thats not your fault at all for the way that she reacted.

I want you to know that its never to late to tell. I told my biggest secret to my doctor today. After keeping it in for 10 years. Its never, ever too late. I promise. If you chose to tell tommorow, it might be the best thing you've ever done. Once you get in that office you'll find the strength you didn't even know you had by opening your mouth and speaking of how much pain you're in.

You're not alone. Sometimes you just have to look around you and realize that behind closed doors, there are tons of people who feel the way you do. I care about you because you have a heart, and you have spirit. I don't know anything about you besides this, but I know you deserve to live. And I don't want you to go anywhere until you do live. You're alive but you're so upset and depressed its not the same as living. Its not what you deserve. Its not your fault. You can only control a small fraction of your feelings. If you could chose to live anyway you wanted, I'm certain it wouldn't be this way.

I'm taking a guess that you're in 8th grade? In eighth grade I went through a phase of depression but it didn't last for years. I don't know how it started and I don't know how it stopped. All I knew was that I wasn't done living because I hadn't even started until today. You deserve hapiness. You're not alone, I promise you that.

We lie when we're afraid of the truth, we lie to protect ourselves, we lie to protect others. I understand why you lied, but you don't have to lie to yourself by ever telling yourself things wont get better. Its hard to find a bright side in all of this, but when you find it it'll be the best thing ever. You just have to know you can make it through this.

I know you can. You want it. Thats why you asked for help. And for that you deserve so much more than what you've been dealing with. Keep writing, and taking photography. Try not to try so hard, sometimes we try so hard we forget what we're even trying for. Just know you can do it. You don't have to know how you'll get to the hapiness part, but just know that you can get there.

Self Harm (cutting) is a terrible habit that some of us get caught up into by mistake. You're so strong by pulling yourself away from those things. I really mean it. You can do this.

If you chose not to tell tommorow, it'll still be okay. You're ready, its your time to live. Its great you're looking out for yourself. You should be proud of yourself. You have me and a lot of others on TH behind you.

If you ever need to talk, just send me a message.

Welcome to TH by the way.

I hope you're okay,
-Christina


Love is all we need. :]
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
xCoralinex94 Offline
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Re: My depression won't go away. D: - June 3rd 2009, 11:08 PM

Hey welcome to TH and glad you posted this and say you want to tlk/ get help with this, its really good you realize you want and/or need help with this. If i were you id go ahead and talk to your school counselor tomorrow, it could really help to talk to someone. Depending what you all tell the counselor and where you live they can talk to your mom about this but since you say she already nos then i dont know. And how you said if you ask your mom to see a counselor she will pry. What do u mean by that? If she does allow you to go and you talk to a counselor i dont think they can tell her everything that you said but im not sure you would have to look that up on google or somewhere. But my advice is to go ahead and talk to your school counselor tomorrow it could really help. Feel free to message me anytime sorry if i wasnt any help.





380 days SH free
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
justan Offline
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Re: My depression won't go away. D: - June 5th 2009, 10:26 AM

Depression is one of those disorders which most people face in there life as some stage for one reason or the other. If it's children the pressure of studies gets over their head and if it's adults the pressure of work attracts depression. Rather than going on drugs, one should look for the reason behind there problem . Keeping yourself busy and changing the schedule also helps sometimes to get over stress and depression.
The best way to get over stress, depression and anxiety is to take a break from your regular schedule, go out, and take good sleep. This helps in clearing the mind and try consulting a specialist who can suggest you as how you can get over your problem. There are various prescription drugs to get over anxiety and depression, but these should only be used in accordance with the instruction of a physician and going on anti depressants should be the last option.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My depression won't go away. D: - June 6th 2009, 04:15 AM

No one should make you feel guilty for how you feel. Have you tried talking to your parents? If they won't listen, I'm not sure what to do, but know that you can always post here.

And dolls and Hello Kitty kick ass, and anyone who tells you differently is (insert derogatory adjective here).


myspace.com/lonesome_fish for poetry. I like feedback sometimes. And I like smiley faces .
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
DanniHeartsU Offline
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Re: My depression won't go away. D: - June 6th 2009, 04:34 AM

Thanks everyone.

I had no time at all to talk to the school counselor. I'm not sure what to do now..
I also feel very lonely during the summer. I live on the outskirts of town, far away-ish from my friends and it's always a pain meeting up. I can only call, text, or email them. I very rarely get together with them. And so I ask my mom all the time if she wants to play a board game or something, and she always puts me off. She doesn't do anything with me. I sit in my room all day sometimes and she doesn't even care. That's one big thing that's been getting at me. Now summer is here, I'm away from friends, school, and people. All I have is the internet.

If I ask my mom that I want to see a counselor, she'll say, "What's wrong with talking to me? Aren't I good enough?" Again, with the whole making me feel guilty thing, and I don't know how to explain I just want to talk to someone else sometimes. Or she'll think I'm hiding something from her.

It's all very confusing.


---Danni :]

"Let peace live and fill the air,
Feel the wind run through your hair,
A message sent down from above,
Instead of hate let's learn to love,"

-An original poem by me :]
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
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Re: My depression won't go away. D: - June 6th 2009, 05:39 AM

Hey Danielle,

*hugs*

Sometimes counselors and teachers stay at school for a week or so after school gets out, so you could maybe check in to see if she's still there at all.

I'm sorry that things can get lonely. Any way you could maybe try to schedule like one definite day each week that you could meet up with a friend? Or even once every two weeks? At least it's something to look forward to.

I'm sorry that your mom isn't being more understanding. Could you maybe try explaining to her that you're really grateful that she is there for you, and you appreciate all the things she does for you as a mom, but that, being your mom, she doesn't also have to be your counselor? Or if she's really set, maybe you could try calling a helpline? They might be able to help you work something out, and if not, they're always there to listen and be someone you can talk to. I personally really like Hopeline (1-800-442-HOPE).

Hang in there, hun


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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